Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What Mom Really Wants

Dear Helen Hartman,
Each year around gift giving times my Mom says the same thing: Your Love is the only gift I want.
            Would love to know what THAT’s about – and what to get my Mom for Mother’s Day!


Dear Loves-your-mama One,
You’re old enough to know the truth now.  Your Mom has resorted to that “I don’t want anything for Mother’s Day (Birthday, Flag Day, Wear Pajamas to Work Day). Just being with you is enough.” line time and again because your mom has seen the things you come up with to give. She has smiled warmly through things like this:
   







Yes, it's cool but it's not for Mother's Day. (Found this like new slicer still with packaging in a consignment shop!)


Batted her eyes and cooed sweetly over this:

Glamour Puss? REALLY? You thought your mom wanted a dress that's "fabulously flip...swinging fun for parties"? Have you see your mom lately? She is not going for the London look. She'd be happy with a nice London Broil.




And that:





 A scale! I know you thought you were being helpful but... A SCALE?
(an estate sale fine Helen adores, btw - but I bought it for myself, not a gift)






Your mom even grinned manically while poking down things like this that you made for her:  

Look Mom, I'm gonna put Jell-O in a ice cream cone -- Just for you! (Behold the wonder that is The Joys of Jell-O Recipe Book)

Your mom KNOWS you and what you are capable of.
Yes, the child climbed into a cracker tin and had to be freed by Mom with a can opener
So when Mom says she just wants to spend time with you, what she is really saying is: “Pipe down. Sit still and keep your hands where I can see them.”
A little peace and quiet (and a nice book and a dreamy romantic hero) is all Mom wants.
This is an ad for furniture, honest!
Frankly your mom is tired. She doesn’t think she has it in her to bluff her way through another gift giving occasion. Give her this:


Or these:


Then leave her alone. 
And stay out of the cracker tin. 
Face it,  Mom is getting too old for prying you out of fixes with a can opener and ironing out life's rough spots for you.  Neither of which you are to give her for Mother’s Day.
 NO matter how temptingly cool the ad makes them seem - that is a drawing of a lady saying she thinks they are wonderful, not a testimony by another Mom - this is a NO. Helen has warned you... after this it's Mom's turn.
Happy Mother's Day!

16 comments:

  1. My Mum would have probably bashed my head in with that tomato slicer had I presented her with that! That cat print dress would have been far more up her street! xxx

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  2. Bless you what a sweet post. We have had our mothers day already here in England and a little bunch of flowers and cuddle from my boys and i am a very happy mummy ;-)) dee x

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  3. Hello Helen:
    Sadly, our mothers are now dead but throughout the whole of their lives [or at least as much of them as we can remember] they were always saying one thing and meaning quite another . This was especially the case with gifts! This made the whole business of present buying and giving fraught. Would that we had been privy to your excellent advice sooner!!

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  4. Thanks for the advice Ms Hartman, now I'll have to rethink all of my plans for Mother's Day... and just when I've found the perfect ironing board cover too! Damn!

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  5. I'm just going to spend the day planting flowers for my 86 year old Mom! And all I want is to spend time with our daughter, who will be home from college. And yet, a bottle of some kind of alcohol sounds really good too....
    Happy REDnesday!
    Carol

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  6. Vix - I totally thought of you with the swinging London style dress from the back of a 1968 magazine (that's why it's not a good photo but too good to pass up)

    dee - every year I tell my kids, no gifts, just let's have lunch or something - that's the best just to hear from your kids that they appreciate you.

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  7. Jane and Lance - your comments always make me smile. I look forward to your blog with every new post.

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  8. Kylie -bwaahahaha about the ironing board cover. Back to the mall!

    Carol - flower planting sounds perfect. But a little vino doesn't hurt either :)

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  9. Fun post! I think I am taking my mom out to lunch then to a used booked store (her favorite)

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  10. Delightful post and I do like the pink scale and the paper dress but when you get right down to it...I'll just take that pound box of Godiva chocolate and call it a day. Sea Witch

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  11. Loved reading your views on mothers. Mine lived in a different world.

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  12. Thanks y'all - I had a lovely mom but she did not suffer fools lightly, so practical and direct is a learned trait for me.

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  13. Too cute and oh so true! Thanx for visiting me over at The Cranky Queen...I am now your newest follower. Tiffany

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  14. I LOVE the pink scale! I mean, I will cause bodily harm to anybody who presents me with a scale, but that is still so cool!

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  15. Jori - the story of the scale is priceless -estate sale in Independence, MO - the home of a married couple of chiropractors full of furs and high fashion and also all this kitchy stuff. Would have loved to have met this lady, she was HIGH STYLIN', I promise you.

    Welcome Tiffany!

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  16. Happy Mom's Day to you. I am not a mom but am a terrific aunt and godmother if I do say so myself.

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