Monday, May 30, 2011

Summer Whine...

Dear Helen Hartman,
         Oh no! While I was busy being a good housewife summer snuck up on me! (Not unlike my husband, Howie, that horndog! Not tonight dear I have a fridge to clean under!). I don’t even know where to begin to get ready for summer – would love to know what you do to prepare!

Dear Loved One,
         You are in heels and a dress on your hands and knees with your behind in the air jamming a broom behind the fridge (something Helen would never do -- unless she dropped her last quarter down there and the ice cream truck was coming) and you’re asking ME where to begin?

I’m just sayin’… its space age technology, people, what more could you possibly want? You have the testimony of Mrs. Aarrgghi, after all (Yes, I'm aware that can't be right but Helen isn't wearing her reading glasses and she just isn't convinced the small print here is worth the frantic hunt to find them - they'd probably just be under the tiger skin rug and that lady doesn't look like she'd be easy to move.) 

Is it just me or does Miss Trim Jeans (Jeans? Really? That the word they went with? Not Trim Trousers or Puffy Pants?) look a little like a 1971 version of Snooki?  Helen can certainly imagine the reality tv 'star' in this get up, only with a larger bump… in her hair, of course, and an oranger shade of tan. Speaking of tans - this fantastic breakthrough: from  May, 1952
So much wrong about this and yet, Helen longs for one... you follow the sun... while lying around all day...oh, the luxury!
It has ever been thus, Loved Ones, that what women are really saying when they ask how to get ready for summer is – after all these winter months of vodka, pasta and Oprah, how can I look like Annette Funicello’s beachier, bikini-ier BINGO-Bab-a-licous-ier sister. By next Friday?
Mom's thoughts: It's so tiring pretending to read and gazing at myself in my girlie mirror and slathering toothpaste on as suntan lotion (hey, it's what ended up in the bag and I am not wasting a second of my 19 minutes of kid free summer to go back and get the right stuff, so deal with it)
 Well, You can diet:  

Is she dancing in salad? Is it like the time Lucy stomped grapes? If this is what slimming and trimming one's self looks like, Helen will pass.
And you can exercise: 




Want a bike LIKE yours? Heck no, I'll just take yours, since you've already sold all the greeting cards to win it and I've been shaping up by dancing in my salad wearing trim jeans.
 



And you can get some sun:
What's with the head gear and cape? Beachwear for the active Nun in the Sun?
 Maybe you prefer to try camouflage (as Helen often says of the saddlebags of cellulite otherwise known as her thighs: If you can’t beat ‘em, hide ‘em!)
I understand that body issues are often passed from mother to daughter, but the same should NOT be true of ugly head wear. Please, let it stop here.
From the same magazine article, this beach 'robe' - instructions provided - made from an actual beach BLANKET. You have to supply your own guy who is more interested in a picture book and hugging his own bouquet than in disrobing you.
However, when I think back about the amazing women who have populated the summers of my life I never once thought – if only they were prettier, tanner, slimmer or better dressed, THEN everything would have been perfect.

Perfect is boring (which is why Helen sometimes falls a little short of the mark because boring is one thing she never aspires to be) So diet, exercise, dress things up or better yet, swallow your pride and admit it’s a not ALL about you (some of it is, naturally because you ARE fabulous). Get moving, get dancing or just get out of your own way. 


Laugh it off, lap it up, do something wild, be someone unexpected – 
YOURSELF!


FYI - having an Open House Link Party Friday, June 3rd (will put link up late Thurs night). Helen isn't keen on rules, so it's basically just a chance for people to drop by, leave a link, leave a comment on what their blog is about and if you are the 'plays well with others' type, invite people via your blog to do the same with a link back to Dear Helen Hartman. Please come back Friday - the link party will be open all weekend.

Linking around at Coastal Charm Nifty Thrifty Tuesday  
and Type A Anything Goes Link Party
Coming late to Wow Us Wednesday at Savvy Southern Style 
and Vintage Thingie Thursday at Colorado Lady
and Simple Pleasures at This and That

20 comments:

  1. "I've been shaping up by dancing in my salad wearing trim jeans"

    And THAT is going on a tshirt! Also LOVE the pom pommed beach cardigan.

    Sarah xxx

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  2. I think I'm going to slather a little Man Tan on one side and a little QT on the other (just to be politically correct and unisexually fashionable) and lounge in front of the tube till I'm gloriously orange.

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  3. LOL, y'all. I Really do want one of those canvas tanning lounges. If I had one I would lie there all day, eating sandwich loaf and making clothes out of towels and blankets.

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  4. I'm with you on one of those canvas tanning lounges, I want one. It's such a hassle having to move your deckchair when the sh=un's shining.
    That mother and daughter combo is rather alarming. xxx

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  5. Hello Helen:
    Of one thing we are absolutely certain. And that is, winter or summer, spring or autumn, fair weather or foul, you, dear Helen, are NEVER boring.

    Nor do we imagine your little 'get together' on June 3rd. will be. What fun all of this is!

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  6. Hey Ma had those blow up pants! I think the only way you lost any weight was from the work out you got squeezing the blow up thingy to fill them! Oh the things we spend money on:@)

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  7. What a fun blog you have here! Thanks for visiting -- I'm following now!

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  8. I am loving your blog and I am your newest follower!

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  9. Lol!! I need some of those Trim Jeans! Scarlett x

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  10. I will dance in salad! I was hoping to get a freakish bony back like that! ;) SO happy you are having a link party! Hooray!

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  11. Where do you find this stuff!!! Pure genius. Can't wait to check out the link party. Yippee for a short work-week!!

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  12. Jessica and Laurie - your blogs are a treat! Thanks for coming by. Jori - I KNOW the back, the weird position, I think it's an interpretive dance saying "Help, I have tomatoes between my toes!".

    Kim K - for some of us weird is just a way of life!

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  13. I love this post! :) You had me chuckling the whole way through. Heading out to the kitchen to dance in my salad...

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  14. That first contraption reminds me of a Madmen episode! lol!

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  15. Underbart inlägg som fyllde mig med skratt! Önskar dig en helg fylld med skratt! Zinnia

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  16. I bet you could make any type cleaning a fun job. Neat post.

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  17. You made me la-augh this morning! (So much it needed two syllables)! I simply had to become a new follower after that! I would love it if you came over and checked me out at Greetings From the Asylum. ;)

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  18. I also need the trim jean gimmick,lol

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  19. What a GREAT blog - I think I actually owned that orange beach towel thing in the 70s! My Mom made them, and probably from that free pattern. Happy Thursday - you've certainly made mine!

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  20. Tanya - how can I resist??? Will be over to say hello in a sec.

    Bead and Needle - am thinking of trying the one (not shown) made of sheets - it's just so convenient for us lazy folks who like to sleep in our clothes!
    Thanks for visiting y'all!

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