Dear Helen Hartman,
Some people say grumpiness is a sign of getting older. Since I refuse to do that, that can’t be the explanation for my rotten mood of late. I normally have a very sunny disposition, so fork up some advice for improving my outlook, will ya.
Dear Forked Up One,
Helen has no doubt that you usually have a sunny disposition – in as much as people who aren’t careful in your presence get burned.
Once again in a stroke of amazing coincidence I just recently got this from Cousin Patje with the note: This is how I feel lately.
Helen found herself wondering – did she mean like a grumpy kitty or like doing interpretive dance on the beach (something Helen is always up for as long as everybody keeps their clothes on). She says the kitty's expression says it all.
So off to the library of useless pamphlets from days gone by! Of course, this is an issue already addressed by our ever vigilant to make sure everybody acted, looked and felt the same way fore bearers.
|Do You Grin or Do You Grouch? Quiz Yourself. You needed a pamphlet to know if you grin or not? Was there a mirror shortage?|
answers one seeks at the local office of the Red Cross. Unlike Helen, who suspects one might find more interesting answers in a bottle of Blue Nun.
So with that in mind, I will share the quiz with my own ‘correct’ answers provided.
|1) Hair Dye:|
|"Never dyed a thing? Are you kidding me? She's a natural blonde like, well... I am!"|
2)Turkish Bath, preferably with real Wild Turkey...ish:
|Ahhhh, bourbon. One tub full and all the grouchies go away!|
3) More sleep. You didn't say a job that starts late did you? That's so funny. A job!
Pequot. We put the P in your sleep!
"Somebody get me marketing, I don't think we thought that slogan out properly."
4) Vacation. Always pick vacation.
"Hmmm, okie-dokie then. I stopped the milk and the paper. Forwarded my mail to my mother's. Burned all of my cheating louse of a husband's clothes and turned over his second set of books to the IRS. As soon as I figure out how to fold this map, I'll be on my way to Reno with Raul!"
5) A sympathetic Boss
|"A nap? You have a lot of brass for a woodwind, you know that, mister? No matter what caption was put here, I bet you would read it in a Paul Lynde-esque sarcastic voice in your head|
6)Glasses, as long as they are as FABULOUS as these!
Oh and as for that foul mood, Loved One, well Helen hates to be catty but… oh, who am I kidding? Helen LIVES to be catty as evidenced by the gift I found to send to cousin Pat in return for her sour puss statuette:
The subtext being, of course, If I had ONE dead mouse, you’d be out of luck. If I had NO dead mice… well, you’d better hope YOU don’t taste delicious with catsup on toast points.