Thursday, June 30, 2011

If I Had 2 Dead Mice...

Dear Helen Hartman,
  Some people say grumpiness is a sign of getting older. Since I refuse to do that, that can’t be the explanation for my rotten mood of late. I normally have a very sunny disposition, so fork up some advice for improving my outlook, will ya.

Dear Forked Up One,
          Helen has no doubt that you usually have a sunny disposition – in as much as people who aren’t careful in your presence get burned. 
Once again in a stroke of amazing coincidence I just recently got this from Cousin Patje with the note: This is how I feel lately.
Helen found herself wondering – did she mean like a grumpy kitty or like doing interpretive dance on the beach (something Helen is always up for as long as everybody keeps their clothes on).  She says the kitty's expression says it all.
So off to the library of useless pamphlets from days gone by! Of course, this is an issue already addressed by our ever vigilant to make sure everybody acted, looked and felt the same way fore bearers.
Do You Grin or Do You Grouch? Quiz Yourself. You needed a pamphlet to know if you grin or not? Was there a mirror shortage?
Predictably, they did not provide the correct responses but suggested one might find the
answers one seeks at the local office of the Red Cross. Unlike Helen, who suspects one might find more interesting answers in a bottle of Blue Nun. 
So with that in mind, I will share the quiz with my own ‘correct’ answers provided.
1) Hair Dye:
"Never dyed a thing? Are you kidding me? She's a natural blonde like, well... I am!"
2)Turkish Bath, preferably with real Wild Turkey...ish:
Ahhhh, bourbon. One tub full and all the grouchies go away!
"Mommy, what's an exercise machine?" "That's something that lazy tramp Theresa uses to keep her behind trim so's her dim bulb of a husband doesn't get wise that she has a maid come in to do the house work, which is all any God-fearing housewife really needs to keep her shape, don't you know. That and them little pills Doc Bremmer gives me. Now, bend, one, two... tuck, one, two."

3) More sleep. You didn't say a job that starts late did you? That's so funny. A job!
Pequot. We put the P in your sleep!   
 "Somebody get me marketing, I don't think we thought that slogan out properly."

4) Vacation. Always pick vacation.

"Hmmm, okie-dokie then. I stopped the milk and the paper. Forwarded my mail to my mother's. Burned all of my cheating louse of a husband's clothes and turned over his second set of books to the IRS. As soon as I figure out how to fold this map,  I'll be on my way to Reno with Raul!"

5) A sympathetic Boss
"A nap?  You have a lot of brass for a woodwind, you know that, mister? No matter what caption was put here, I bet you would read it in a Paul Lynde-esque sarcastic voice in your head
6)Glasses, as long as they are as FABULOUS as these!
Any of these answers is fine. I would have also accepted - An agent to oversee her career as a supermodel and a stern lecture about starving children in China but only this answer had a great image - Oh, Spank-O-Matic, where were you when I was whaling away by hand on my disobedient offspring?
Oh and as for that foul mood, Loved One, well Helen hates to be catty but… oh, who am I kidding? Helen LIVES to be catty as evidenced by the gift I found to send to cousin Pat in return for her sour puss statuette:
 The subtext being, of course, If I had ONE dead mouse, you’d be out of luck. If I had NO dead mice… well, you’d better hope YOU don’t taste delicious with catsup on toast points.
Don’t suffer from ill moods, Loved One, enjoy them! (But stay away from Helen with them… I mean it… I have a very pointy pin and no dead mice) 

Joining Thrifty Things Friday at the Thrifty Groove
and Pink Saturday at How Sweet the Sound.


  1. Oh dear Helen, you never fail to make me laugh.
    That kitty has the grumpiest face ever, I think he need some of Mummy's slimming pills. xxx

  2. Forget the pills! I want the diamond glasses!

  3. For some reason Ann Southern (that IS her in those fabulous glasses, isn't it?) always looked great in glasses. As for kids not finishing their food, for some reason back in the 50's my mother was always referencing the starving children in India, not China. Then if that didn't shame us, we got spanked. Hard. Nothing like trying to finish your dinner when you're sobbing and being told to "stop that, or I'll REALLY give you something to cry about!" Ahhh, youth's sweet memories . . . You're a hoot, Helen.

  4. Thanks Y'all - Christine - yes it IS Ann Southern. The article was that they had allowed her to design the kinds of glasses she thought every working girl needed! We got the opposite - food to stop crying, can't cry and eat at the same time!

  5. As always, your advice makes me laugh out loud, dear Helen. Your timely comments, my thermos of gin (possibly the BEST bit of wisdom you have imparted) and the fact that Grumpy is already asleep make my evening so much more pleasant.

  6. Dear Helen, Your advice is not only's sound!

  7. LOL I am loving the "Lazy tramp Theresa and her trim behind!" Fun, fun post Helen! Thank you for joining TTF and I hope you and your family have a wonderful hi=oliday weekend!

  8. Thanks Sunny - Diann, same to you and yours!

  9. Oh what a darling post!!!! Wishing you a Happy 4th of July!!!

  10. Dear Helen Hartman~
    Thank you for making me laugh YET AGAIN! I love and miss Paul Lynde. . talk about funny! Loved the Hollywood Squares - always so funny. You made my day. You go girl (aka Helen Hartman).

  11. OK I'm not sure if I want to live in that time or in your head! LOL Have a safe and happy holiday.



  12. What a fun post...dontcha know. Happy PS!
    Your Lexington "neighbor" ~Niki @MaisonMutt

  13. Happy Pink Saturday Sweet Helen...
    Oh another beautiful post and such laughter this evening. I so enjoy coming to see you.

    Love those glasses. I would so adore a pair of these. The ones with the terry robe for me please. They make me think of Please Don't Eat the Daisies. Oh I love that one.

    The young girl making the bed along with her Momma in that delicious pink room. Oh my, were those the days? Love the candy stripe sheets as well. I don't believe I ever had an apron to do housework in though.

    And Helen sweetie, go ahead and be catty. I loved it. You are SO stinkin cute.

    Have a glorious weekend and Happy 4th of July sweetie. Many hugs and much love, Sherry

  14. Happy Pink Saturday!
    greetings from Holland!
    with love,

  15. I'm back after a break, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading do know how to say it Helen (with a pointy pin and no dead mice)!

  16. Thank you for your comments y'all. How I love all your blogs, it reminds me of how when I was a kid and my mom would go shopping and end up having little visits with all the women out and about, catching up, laughing.

    Holly - have you checked out Paul on youtube - he's still funny!
    LL- I don't think I'd live in that time (again) unless I could live it as it seems in my head!

  17. Thanks Niki - hubby and I may go over to Lexington for the 4th Parade this year!

    Sherry - I know that apron for housework is a bit much, isn't it?

    Ineke - thanks! and khushi- what an amazing, compelling post you have today on your blog!

  18. Oh Dear Helen Hartman - I so needed a dose of practical DHH advice. Blue Nun? Perfect for our Patriotic Holiday. I hope yours is filled with family, friends, food and lots of Blue Nun. xoxo Nancy

  19. LOL!....
    ...and I'm still laughing.
    Have a pinkishly beautiful Independence Day weekend.

  20. Annie, Helen Hartman is a riot...fabulous writing! I like the picture of the girl making the pink bed. And how true it cardio workout begins with plugging in the vacuum.

    Have a glorious 4th,

  21. Oh Marianne, Helen is all for plugging in the vacuum, as for running it? Isn't that what kids are for?

  22. I'm going to be digging a tunnel through beach sand and dirty laundry for weeks. It's good to be back online so that I can get caught up on one of my favorite blogs. Have a lovely 4th!

  23. I found you through Pink Saturday. Great post. Very funny, and the pictures are great. -Lola at Dharma Killed Dogma Buddhist Blog

  24. Thanks Kim K - Lola off to visit it sounds just like my kind of blog!

  25. I loved this, but I can't follow you---you seem to be suffering from that disappear-into-a-black-hole which has befallen all my OWN followers for the past month or so.

    Off the Earth, I tell you, and I MISS them. No way to encourage any new ones to take that long step into the void, either. Perhaps they'll all return, refreshed and renewed, from a nice long lunch together, with martinis.

    Or from some odd, sterile place with white walls and steel doors. I cannot tell, but I'd brave even that, to add my name to your list.

    Will return soon, if the breadcrumbs hold out.


  26. Ha ha I always got the "starving kids in India" deal too lol...

  27. LOL Rachel - well I followed the breadcrumbs back to your blog and your followers were back at least for now... so joined up quick.

  28. Well, Thank You and Bless Your Dear Heart, Miss H! They are STILL invisible to ME, and since I still cannot view YOURS, either, and nothing happens when I click on your word, "Followers," I'll just have to admire in spirit and join when the door opens again.

    I'm so pleased that you dropped in, and will be back soon for more of your lively W&W.


  29. You are too funny amor, love the kitty though and the crazy glasses.


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