Dear Helen Hartman,
We’re planning to go to a place this summer where we can go to a nude beach. I don’t know if I have the nerve. Maybe I should just try going topless at first? The human body is beautiful, right?
Love to know, have you ever bared it all in public?
Dear Loved One,
Bare? What we here in the South call 'nekkid'? Outside the sanctity of one's own darkened closet? Just reading about the prospect makes Helen reach for her thermos. To actually contemplate it would take a wee bit more persuasion – Gallon’O’Gin anyone?
For goodness sakes, now that I have found the recipe book from Cool Whip
|Well Dressed Deserts... hmmm, guess what they are clothed in? (I only had grocery brand, it was on sale, I dress my food as I do my body - with bargains!|
warning me of this: (it was, in the end, the reference to that 'zingy' scarf that shamed me into action - I want to trot out my deserts in a smashing outfit, as should any well brought up person!)
|I finally understand that why no one cheers my leftover pound cake - wait people have LEFTOVER pound cake? I thought the reason to HAVE pound cake was to eat the whole pound! (Helen is not alone in this - still longing to frequent a nude beach?)|
I don’t even dare let my desert be seen without topping.
In fact, all this has Helen so rattled she is actually attempting to replicate something from the booklet.
The instructions are pretty basic – make a cake mix, frost with Cool Whip, buy gumdrops and roll them as thin and flat as you can, using sugar to keep the stickiness at bay – yes, sugar to make things LESS sticky. If you are like Helen (not that you’d aspire to that, being like Helen is just something that happens to people who keep thinking ‘tomorrow I will attend to the garden of my soul’ then spend the current day shopping, eating poorly, reading PEOPLE and napping) but if you are like me you are asking yourself, how can sweet, sticky sugar make things less sticky. It can’t.
In the booklet they suggest rolling the gumdrops into almost paper thin proportions. Maybe gumdrops have changed since then… I mashed mine, I rolled, I beat them into submission.
The small ones were too hard, the larger ones too squishy – they kept reforming to their old shape. Which makes me wonder – what is happening to these things in the human stomach?
|Goodbye Food Pyramid, Hello Cool Whip Cloud of Artificial Color - have you had your serving of red dye today?|
I did manage to come up with some sort of flowers. They are far too heavy to trail up a cake. In fact, I am thinking of letting them dry and using them as a doorstop.
Of course there is so much more to explore:
|When I hear Brazilian I do not think delicious. Thank you TMI television.|
|What the @*#&^$*!! is in these Kicky Kupcakes that makes them grow arms and legs and actually KICK up their heels? Or is it just something that makes the consumer THINK their Kupcake has sprung to life? Better check that additive chart again!|
Helen has to rest now – these images will haunt my dreams – as I suspect will the images you, Loved One, will bring home should you actually go to a nude beach. As Fran Lebowitz famously said: All God's children are not beautiful.
Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.