Sunday, June 12, 2011

This could get ugly... wait, too late!

Dear Cousin Helen,
      As you know, I recently moved out to a small farm and now my friends and family are making with the jokes likening me to Green Acres Oliver and Lisa Douglas.  I wish! That style, that vocabulary, that hair and Lisa  was no slouch, either!
As you know the women in our family are famous for using their heads mostly as background for running their big mouths, but still I decided to use mine and turn to you to see what suggestions you have to help me use my head as a place to hang my hat. But what hat?
         Love to see what you come up with  

Dear Especially Loved One,
        Flattered as I am to be asked, my first reactions was: We have to do something about her taste!
Except yours, dear, which reflects what's around it - your tacky, out of date, dime store decor.
        Oh, don’t be that way. I mean I have to give some thought to personal taste. While Helen believes deep in the deepest wrinkles of her gi-normous heart (where else would Helen have wrinkles or ANYTHING gi-normous?) that every woman looks good in a tiara, (mais oui!) or a cowboy hat.
Paper doll find - paid too much but red lipstick, white hat and blue rifle - how could you not?
But it takes a truly courageous woman to try this:
Yes, it's a HAT. No, it is NOT a carefully arranged pile of lettuce. What are you accusing Helen of - trying to make her cousin wear produce on her head? If I wanted to do that, don't you think I'd go for a basket of fruit instead? Give me some credit!
  The kind of hat Helen suggests should be rooted in the things you are comfortable with, that resonate with you, that scream -
 Help! I am a victim of my desperate attempts to dress myself!
No, that scream – this is me like it or not.
Guess what this whole get up is made of?  Did you guess paper? You did guess paper. I know you did. You think you are soooo smart, don't you? Did you guess the pantaloons were made of bubble wrap? HA! They're NOT! Not feeling so clever now, are you? Though, Helen has reached an age where bubble wrap underthings have a certain appeal -pffft- that sound wasn't ME, it was my garment!

When I select a hat, I want it to solicit the perfect (as all things Helen does strive to be) response.
She's wearing lettuce on her head and bubble wrap under her dress, I think I'm in love!

Hey Buddy, where can I get me one a them blinder hats for my wife so she don't get distracted by all the shop windows?
This was a "no" as modeled by my daughter - we liked the sparkles but thought if cousin Patje wore it she might get an ass whoppin'. What? No, Helen did NOT use a bad word, cousin Patje has donkeys on her farm and if she can't see she won't be able to tell her ass from a hole in the ground and she might fall over and land on her ass and... yes, obviously cousin Patje has some donkeys in her family as well.
 So, the hunt continues !
 To paraphrase Saint Bette (Davis, for those who think of her as a mere movie star) Fasten your seat belts, this is going to be bumpy ride.

Joining: Collection Share at Apron Thrift Girl 


  1. Hilarious! My grandmother was the Queen of Hats. When I was a kid, she'd let me try them on, and that's still one of my fondest memories. The ULTIMATE hat was a bucket-style made of pheasant feathers. I felt tres chic when I put on that hat, her fur stole and big 50s earrings. :)

  2. LOL! I actually like that lettuce green floral hat. Reminds me of one I played dress-up with when I was a little girl!

  3. A farm a farm my kingdom for a farm how lovley it would be but I havnety got a kingdom so cant get my farm so sad.That lettuce hat is so cugly

  4. Hello Helen:
    We suggest going one better than a tiara. Try a crown. And with the demise of Royalty throughout the world in recent years, there should be plenty knocking around [probably quite cheaply come to think of it].

  5. Dana - aren't hats so fun? Even my grumpy daughter enjoyed looking and trying on. What a fun memory - now what do grandkids get into at grannys? her scruncies and flip flops?

  6. Perhaps the photo improved that green hat? It was a bit squashed but clearly it was a beauty in its day.

  7. Thanks for visiting Nelly, I visited you back and enjoyed your blog.

    Lance and Jane - I am from the South where women will put on a tiara at the drop of a hat... in fact there are hats that incorporate tiaras. Crowns - hmmm, if you come across some lying around where weary monarchs have cast them off, I'm game.

  8. I absolutely love that lettuce hat, my tortoise would be chasing me around the garden drooling if I owned something so fabulous. xxx

  9. I love vintage hats and have them on my Etsy all the time. I can't keep them all. Cute pink one.

  10. Oh now that lettuce (I thought cabbage) hat would be the talk of the town! Needs a cherry tomato lol..

  11. Enjoying the thought of all of you in lettuce hats. The tomato on top idea now makes me want to go buy that hat just to try it!

  12. Your posts always leave me speechless from laughing so hard. All I can say is that hat really does look like a head of lettuce and the blinder hat is sorta interesting!!!

  13. Now I know where to look for my hats - in the produce section. That lettuce look one is simply divine! :) Well, okay, the best thing about it is that it's green. I like the color green...

  14. LOL Karen - Lettuce head to the grocery so our hats will have more a-peel!

  15. Another one for team lettuce....I would actually wear that! or the basket of fruit ala Carmen Miranda of course.

  16. I love you because you make me laugh! I needed a good one today. That lettuce hat just needs a tomato and maybe some croutons...Carmen Miranda wore fruit right? So whose to say someone else couldn't wear a salad?
    Love you girl!


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