I can never forget my first love, what’s his name. Am thinking of trying to look him up online but not sure if he is on Facebook. Is there a Two-Faced book? Or better yet a SH@#$-Faced Book?
Do you have any thoughts on reuniting with a long lost love?
Dear Loved and Lost and is Thinking of Loving That Loser Again One,
Helen believes in letting sleeping dogs lie. Not to say that men are dogs or they lie, but… um, if someone is your ex-love maybe there is a reason for that. A reason which Helen KNOWS could not possibly be YOUR fault… unless…. To the 1957 teen magazine advisor-matic!
Hmmm. Yes. I think these tips may help, from Eight Ways to Lose a Steady. Ask yourself, were you guilty of any of these heinous crimes against your-manity? (Helen is supplying the 'illustrations' and commentary on her own because they didn't do it and well, it's HER blog)
Don’t wear styles that men consider queer.
|You know how those experts say women don't dress for men, they dress for other women? Those experts never met Wanda! (Aren't you glad Helen steered away from the obvious jokes about men considering.... STYLE?)|
Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in public.
|"Dorthea! Did that unattractive sound come from your throat?" "You betcha and here comes another one... only this time it's not coming from my throat!" ps from Helen - isn't that guy in the foreground looking at everyone's cards CHEATING?|
Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when the addresses you; he may feel slighted.
|"The fact that you think this would be long enough to get the job done explains so much, Howard." There. She responded to him promptly. And yet, he still feels slighted. Men! They are so hard to please.|
Don’t nag a man. Men flee to the office, club, anywhere but where the nagger is.
Don’t tell off color stories. Most men resent them in women.
|Lester laughed when Nancy said she knew the best off color stories, thinking she was talking about decorating disasters. Boy was he wrong! He'd never look at her monkey-bread sticky buns the same way again.|
Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract attention.
|Bite your tongue! Expressing yourself is for boys and tramps.|
Don’t show jealousy. All men dislike a jealous girl.
|Blondes have more fun but brunettes have more pre-nups!|
Don’t take your eyes off the prize, once get your hooks into a rich guy - take him for whatever you can.
|Shelia never met a man's bank account she didn't like.|
Don’t be passive… be passive aggressive!
|I apply my makeup with toilet paper so when he goes off golfing and leaves me with the kids with no more thought than a peck on the cheek I secretly feel like I'm saying "kiss my... "|
Don’t talk about your feelings, repress them.
|Press and repress and repress them again until you've ironed out all your issues then pass those issues on to your daughter. She will thank you later... by bringing home a guy named Ziggy who can't keep a job and wants to live in your basement!|
|Oh, sweet vase, I couldn't love you more if you were filled with gin. Well... maybe a little more.|
Above all, whatever you do, for heaven’s sake, don’t be yourself!
|Am I trying too hard? I feel like I'm trying too hard. Or maybe not hard enough? Are the pearls too much? I could change into something frillier. Or go blonde. Or...|
Of course, this issue also had advice on how to have a happy marriage from Lucy and Desi. Now I adore Lucy and Desi but you can't ignore the fact that they would divorce 18mos later, so...
So, where were we? Oh, yeah... lost loves. If you haven’t done any of these don’ts, the fault may lie with the long lost love. Or maybe there was no fault and you two were meant to be together skipping happily hand in hand through life, laughing and loving and drinking beer. Sweet, sweet misty beer goggling beer.
|Guess which one of these pics this caption goes with? Helen thinks it could be any one of them. (it's the couples playing cards, btw)|
Beth Harbison is a brilliant author and a great friend who’s latest hardcover Always SomethingThere to Remind Me – a story filled with laughs and longing and lots of great 80s nostalgia comes out Tuesday July 19th!
Don’t miss out on this great read!
Joining PinkSaturday at How Sweet The Sound because it’s the pinkiest place to be!