Friday, July 15, 2011

Reading Something Into This!

Dear Helen Hartman,
       I can never forget my first love, what’s his name. Am thinking of trying to look him up online but not sure if he is on Facebook. Is there a Two-Faced book? Or better yet a SH@#$-Faced Book?
Do you have any thoughts on reuniting with a long lost love?

Dear Loved and Lost and is Thinking of Loving That Loser Again One,
 Helen believes in letting sleeping dogs lie. Not to say that men are dogs or they lie, but… um, if someone is your ex-love maybe there is a reason for that. A reason which Helen KNOWS could not possibly be YOUR fault… unless…. To the 1957 teen magazine advisor-matic!
  Hmmm. Yes. I think these tips may help, from Eight Ways to Lose a Steady. Ask yourself, were you guilty of any of these heinous crimes against your-manity? (Helen is supplying the 'illustrations' and commentary on her own because they didn't do it and well, it's HER blog)

Don’t  wear styles that men consider queer.
You know how those experts say women don't dress for men, they dress for other women? Those experts never met Wanda! (Aren't you glad Helen steered away from the obvious jokes about men considering.... STYLE?)
Don’t  neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in public.
"Dorthea! Did that unattractive sound come from your throat?"  "You betcha and here comes another one... only this time it's not coming from my throat!" ps from Helen - isn't that guy in the foreground looking at everyone's cards CHEATING?

Don’t  fail to answer a man, and promptly, when the addresses you; he may feel slighted.
"The fact that you think this would be long enough to get the job done explains so much, Howard."       There. She responded to him promptly. And yet, he still feels slighted. Men! They are so hard to please.
 Don’t  nag a man. Men flee to the office, club, anywhere but where the nagger is.

Vintage PINK tablecloth of 1950s male doing the mid mod man thing. BTW this is an advice piece for teens... I know they looked liked they were in their 40s in a lot of old movies, but how many teens were going actually to the office and/or the club back then?
  Don’t  tell off color stories. Most men resent them in women.
Lester laughed when Nancy said she knew the best off color stories, thinking she was talking about decorating disasters. Boy was he wrong! He'd never look at her monkey-bread sticky buns the same way again.
Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract attention.
Bite your tongue! Expressing yourself is for boys and tramps. 
Don’t  show jealousy. All men dislike a jealous girl.
Blondes have more fun but brunettes have more pre-nups!
  I can’t believe they left out –
Don’t  take your eyes off the prize, once get your hooks into a rich guy - take him for whatever you can.
Shelia never met a man's bank account she didn't like.
 Don’t  be passive… be passive aggressive!
 I apply my makeup with toilet paper so when he goes off golfing and leaves me with the kids with no more thought than a peck on the cheek I secretly feel like I'm saying "kiss my... "
Don’t  talk about your feelings, repress them.
Press and repress and repress them again until you've ironed out all your issues then pass those issues on to your daughter. She will thank you later... by bringing home a guy named Ziggy who can't keep a job and wants to live in your basement!
Don’t  bean your man with a frying pan, select a fine crystal vase. A heavy, heavy vase that can later be easily wiped clean of all tell-tale fingerprints.
Oh, sweet vase, I couldn't love you more if you were filled with gin. Well... maybe a little more.
 Above all, whatever you do, for heaven’s sake, don’t be yourself! 
Am I trying too hard? I feel like I'm trying too hard. Or maybe not hard enough? Are the pearls too much? I could change into something frillier. Or go blonde. Or...
Of course, this issue also had advice on how to have a happy marriage from Lucy and Desi. Now I adore Lucy and Desi but you can't ignore the fact that they would divorce 18mos later, so...
So, where were we? Oh, yeah... lost loves. If you haven’t done any of these don’ts, the fault may lie with the long lost love. Or maybe there was no fault and you two were meant to be together skipping happily hand in hand through life, laughing and loving and drinking beer. Sweet, sweet misty beer goggling beer.  
Guess which one of these pics this caption goes with? Helen thinks it could be any one of them. (it's the couples playing cards, btw)
Helen doesn’t know the whole story of your lost love… but she can recommend a story that’s perfect for anyone who ever fell in love and wondered what might have been…

Beth Harbison is a brilliant author and a great friend who’s latest hardcover Always SomethingThere to Remind Me – a story filled with laughs and longing and lots of great 80s nostalgia comes out Tuesday July 19th!

Don’t miss out on this great read!
Joining PinkSaturday at How Sweet The Sound because it’s the pinkiest place to be!


  1. Such practical, pink advice Dear Helen. Isn't that what we all live for? To please our man...even if he does cheat at Euchre. Love all your vintage pics on here. :) Nancy

  2. I was just about to close down my laptop before I hit the door from work and decided to sneak a peek at my Google reader. Oh my goodness. This has got to be one of my all-time favorite posts. A perfect way to end my week. Brilliant prose and pics. That pink tablecloth is just about perfect. Have a lovely weekend!

  3. Oh, Miss Helen! You do make a girl titter demurely behind her fan.

    Only because I can never remember if guffaw has one F or two.

    Simply hilarious!!


  4. Hello Helen:
    As always so absolutely witty and very, very cleverly put together with vintage illustrations which are almost beyond belief. For us, the perfect nightcap!

  5. *giggle Oh excuse me that may have been a noise coming from my throat. Hilarious as usual!
    Happy PS
    Wags, Niki

  6. Thanks Nancy - you don't happen to know some good off color stories do you? ;)

  7. Kim -happy weekend to you too!

    Rachel - don't be a guffawer, men do not like guff!

  8. Jane and Lance - always a welcome visit from you.

    Thanks Niki!

  9. thanks for the giggles! and for visiting French Lique Texas!

    I may have to go back and get those pink candle holders... everyone loves them!!

  10. Dear Miss Helen, If I had to hold close to my heart all of the wommen you guided. I would just shoot myself. Maybe hang myself. or Pluck my eyeballs out of their sockets. Fortunatley we can all find our way anyway. Thx for reminding me that what was then isn't always better than now.



  11. Dear Abby could take a hint or two from Miss Helen, I am thinking...

  12. Thanks for visiting on Pink Saturday. If I had only had your words of wisdom on how to keep a man happy back in the day, maybe I would still be with what's his name...or not...probably not...guess it was the throat noises that drove him away...such a clever blog...I may just have to come backk and revisit and laugh out loud (but not too loud) again. Have a Pink Week.

  13. I find this out NOW, after I've spent the last 50 years perfecting that sound from my throat (and learning to burp the National Anthem)? I must have missed that issue.

  14. LOL thanks, y'all! A so impressed with the abilities here and wondering how the human race perpetuated itself with so many of us not knowing these valuable tips for interaction!

  15. So that's why my first boyfriend dumped me! I did ALL of those things. Especially the throat noises. :) you are always so clever. This was utterly fabulous. I watched the Louisville Pickers episode on Netflx last night. You are so lucky you got to go to that guys house. Awesome stuff! I wanted to drive off in that bus.

  16. A very cute PS post - thank you!

  17. I think I've just found a new favorite blog! Awesome advice...not sure how I've stayed married ten years with all my faults. *sigh* Will try to do better from now on.

    Happy Pink Saturday!

  18. Goodnes me, I'm surprised I've manaaged to hold on to my bloke for so long considering my outlandish behaviour and queer outfits!
    Brilliant stuff, hope you're having a great weekend. x

  19. I am never disappointed when I come for a visit!
    too funny
    xo Tami

  20. Jori - that place is amazing but the guy is a character. If you go to admire, he's your buddy but the second someone asks about buying he gets kinda mean. (we didn't ask so he gave us Billy beer cans)

    Pat - your art is amazing thanks for coming by.

  21. Helen, dear,

    I come here to be edified and illuminated and you never fail me. I'm quite sure that, if I brush up on these helpful hints, Horace will be pleased.

    (You crack me up!)

  22. Awesome post, you are an incredibly imaginative writer!

  23. Funny funny!!! The advice on relationships for women back then was hilarious!

    Mom used to tell me that while men dated women more, and couples tended to marry more, men were STILL men and would try to cop a feel in the movies. Yikes! Where is the dating guide book for men?!

    I haven't looked at a recent teen mag in decades... Do you think they are telling 12 year olds how to dance the jiggy now? or is that "get jiggy"? I'm so out of touch!!

  24. Dear Helen Hartman,
    Are we related? This post is absolutely hysterical! You must have fun writing this blog!!

  25. PJ - Horace is a lucky fella!

    Thanks Kitty.

    Get jiggy? Helen is clutching her heart at the very thought!

  26. Judy - I try to have fun doing everything! Right now I am nearly giddy with vacuuming. Oh, all right, with watching hubby vacuum (I am doing laundry so he gets that job).

  27. Dear HH, As always, right on the money! Pinkim from TrulySimplyPink

  28. You are so fresh and original. What a cool blog!


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