Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Blah to School... or maye NOT!

Dear Helen Hartman,
    It’s that time of year again! Time for kids to go Blah to blah. Blah blah blah shopping for blah and blah blah. Love the smell of blah and blah but blah blah blah blah…. Helen? Helen! I get the sense you’re not listening to me!
          Love to know what’s got you so distracted!

Dear Blah-bl… um Loved One,
 Helen tries to be interested in the whole mad back to school crush.

But after that first year she didn’t have a supply list to fill and she broke down crying in Target, Helen filled her little red thermos with an apple-tini for the teacher and staggered moved on. 
Vintage thermos ($3 World's Longest Yard Sale) and my very own actual Kindergarten Report Card (actual comment: a very good talker... was that a dig?) and childhood blackboard
It’s not that Helen is hostile towards education or teachers (did you miss that part that she made an apple-tini for one?). If anything she feels deeply for them and all the non–tini  based apple objects they are given year after year.

Okay, these are darling. My set of pyrex-ish apple dishes. And I'm not even a teacher!
If I was a teacher, though, this 1962 Howard Holt apple dish would make whoever gave it to me teacher's pet.

It all started with an estate sale. One cute little pyrex apple. Never seen one like it. Then suddenly they began to 'find' me so I had to set some rules. They have to be in great shape and be $5 or less. Why? Because one day it will drive my kids nuts trying to figure out what to do with them. Yes, I am planning to be a problem to my loved ones even after I'm gone.


Helen does like kids. Cute, innocent, sticky, why-does-that-fat- under-your-chin-wobble-when-you-talk asking kids. I can’t get enough of… you know, kid, if you weren’t so short you’d never even SEE that itty bitty pad of flesh under Helen’s chin. Maybe if you’d grow up a little and… did I mention Helen loves kids?

Here's to having the house to ourselves until 3 pm!

But there is more to think about each September (as shown in the Sept 71 Woman's Day)  than school and kids and... 


SEX? (They KNEW about that in 1971???) 

Oh, my, yes, dear, we were so wild that even us moms were happy hookers!

Of COURSE as soon as I got over those candle holders I turned directly the article, purely as a means of furthering my… WHAT? Torn out? Helen cries censorship! 
Illustration by Hilary Knight from Peg Braken's I Hate To Housekeep 1962

As opposed to what she cries (to be precise it was: “What the…?”) when she finds the continuation of the article, titled WHY MEN MARRY a few pages away.



Yep, you read that right – That’s what men are looking for. Those 4 things (4? Really? THAT many?).

"Woo-hoo! Hey baby, I'd really like you to validate my need for individual identity!"

It starts with the idea that there is one thing women should be feeding their men to drive them wild. Hint: you’d never find it in Helen’s thermos. Have you guessed?

I thought this was an early reader about nutrition but turns out, maybe it should be on the banned list!

Suddenly that old saying about a man not buying the cow when he gets the milk for free takes on a whole new meaning!

See, I'm a not a tramp, I'm your friendly neighborhood milk maid!

Cream in his coffee to milk chocolate cake, the sex doc says feeding this to your man will have him eating out of your hand – which he also says is an important way (he calls it hand feeding, honestly!) to make her man ‘docile and submissive’.

"Here, dear, have ANOTHER glass of milk with your cream of cream soup and stick of butter while I describe all the cute new furniture you're going to buy for me."

The last three 'needs' are summed up in a few short paragraphs that basically say – do what you’re comfortable with and find ways every day to tell him how super terrific he is. 

You know, my wife is right. I really am one fantastic hunk of man.
 If you do that and live in 1971 then you will be sure to get an A+ 
If none of those apply? 
Well, Helen says - never stop learning! (For example she learned today that she can no longer look at a gallon of milk without thinking -eeewwww)


Joining Wow us Wednesday at Savvy Southern Style
Share the Love Wednesday at Very Merry Vintage
Rednesday at Sue Loves Cherries
Thrifty Thursday at Tales from Bloggeritaville

25 comments:

  1. "Woo-hoo! Hey baby, I'd really like you to validate my need for individual identity!" - ha!

    I had no idea about milk. I never have trusted the stuff.

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  2. Wow, I love that Holt apple! It's amazing. I have never seen those Pyrex apples!! Never!! But then, I don't normally pay attention to apple stuff, because it reminds me of teachers, who are not my favorite population today, and don't get me started...

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  3. PS I love your blog's new look!

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  4. Eartha - I don't trust this doctor's ideas about milk!

    Laurie - hope you and teachers work things out soon and Thanks!

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  5. Wickedly funny as always!!! Love that Hilary Knight illustration!!

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  6. I remember well my happy hooker days. I must have made a bazillion shag wall hangings, mostly in shades of brown, orange and yellow...LOL

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  7. Hello Helen:
    A wonderful post! For us September means that we delight especially in the fact that we are no longer in any sense governed by, or concerned with, the start of a new school year. It is really bad luck for those who are!

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  8. Hahaha..."neighbourhood milkmaid"!! Drink milk...ewwww! Oh I thought only my kids would be stuck with apple bowls...:)

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  9. Bah! I still have all school uniform to buy. We gave the teachers marmalade at the end of the last school year - if I had any of your apples I'd be keeping them for myself!

    I'm a tad concerned about my infants looking to to fulfil their sexual needs with me - I guess that's what all the wild giggles and shouts of 'mummy got boobs!' at inappropriate times are about. I knew about the milk thing though. Enough macaroni cheese and my husband can't get up to stop me rifling through his wallet.

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  10. It has taken me all this time to realize that all men really care about are boobies. Maybe that's because I never had any until I had kids. Who knew?!

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  11. Judy - she is fabulous. She also does the Eloise books.

    Dana - I tried. I really tried but don't think I ever hooked a single hook.

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  12. Jane and Lance - ahhh, it is nice not to have one's life segmented into a school calendar.

    Khushi - the love of stuff our children will one day be forced to deal with knows no boundaries!

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  13. Lakota - thanks for the laugh! It might ease your concerns to know that this very 70's psychology seems to be based on an idea that if it feels good, it's sexual and all issues lead back to Mama.

    Mom Wald - you mean those sailors weren't just trying to be better individuals???

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  14. Oh you really are the most clever person, I could never make my vintage sound so interesting-every single time!

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  15. Oh, yes, we knew about sex in 1971. We were the baby boomers who were shoved through the sexual revolution.

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  16. I agree, never stop learning...:)

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  17. So.....how many gallons of milk (or perhaps cows) for a new kitchen - you know gutting it and starting over? Just wondering....and dying laughing from your post :)

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  18. You could drink your apple-tini from those cute Pyrex apples...BTW if you need another one for your collection, I have one in my booth!!! :)

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  19. Your vintage thermos is awesome! I have a couple I'm going to bust out for Christmas decor. Love,love your new blog design!

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  20. Thanks Kitty!
    Retro - Oh, yeah, forgot about that!
    Karen - I try to stop but everyday brings a new challenge!

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  21. OOO, I know Kitchen Girls - if we use milk paints to decorate husbands will be totally helpless always!

    Hmm, Sherry - what color is it? I keep finding those green apple ones.

    Jori - thanks so much. Can't wait to see your Christmas thermoses.

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  22. When I was still teaching, I could have used one of those apple-tinis!
    Maybe several!

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  23. When I taught there were never appletinis in those plaid thermoses!......just about-to-go-off milk.

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  24. Pondside - those were the bad old days, then, huh? My thermos never really kept milk cold, as I recall.

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