Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Case of the Poisoned Paw

Loved Ones, bear with me as I depart from the advice for a day. Helen has found herself in the middle of a mystery involving the fur covered members of her household (No I do NOT mean my furniture) and she can't rest until she proved her husband wrong, um, figures out what happened to keep it from happening again. I am calling it the Case of the Poison Paw.
The crime: Infecting Helen with (dun-dun-duh) Poison Ivy!

YOU see the paw print, don’t you Loved Ones? One clear one, one maybe not so clear? Hubby says he doesn’t see it at all. Just for that Helen is posting this photo of him. Yes, That IS his real hair.

It started with what Helen thought was a bug bite under her chin. Then more bites then… so… much… redness! How did this happen? It’s not like Helen ever goes outside or as if she isn’t always sufficiently ‘inoculated’ (gin is an antiseptic, right?).
And so the nasty little irritant had to have come to her by foreign hands… or paws.
The suspects:
1)      The Snuggle Bunny aka Donut Hammbutt

Of the notorious Hammbutt Brothers (clearly they are not really brothers but don’t tell them that, they each think the OTHER one is adopted but doesn’t know it)
 Snuggle Bunny is, in fact, NOT a bunny at all but an oddly thrown together concoction of Golden Retriever and… Basset Hound? Corgi? Dachshund? All of the above? See, even his origins are murky. But his motives are not. This clever fellow is all about stealing the lovin’ whenever and where ever he can.
Opportunity: Helen says he could be the culprit because he likes to roll in greenery and to rub his muzzle as close to faces as he can.
Husband says SB could not have done it because he never leaves the front yard (not known as a haven for the toxic ‘leaves of three’)

2)Miss Moxie T.
Don’t let her aloofness fool you. She can be moved to almost perceptible displays of not holding her human staff in utter disdain… if hungry enough. Her trademark defensive move: The Paw of Death.
Opportunity: She is the queen of all she surveys (well from the mailbox to the back fence, but not the basement where the dark mistress Kenna the Hissy Kitty rules with an iron paw) and roams freely in and out of the bushes and trees.
 Hubby says she might have done it, because that's just like her.
Helen says Miss T never scratches and Helen sees a paw print and scratches in her rash (hubby says It's just a rash - that deserves another picture - yes, that's his real beard.)

Next: 3)Tallulah Barkhead

Sleek and fast with an uncertain past. Opportunity: The only canine in residence trusted to go about without her leash, which means she sometimes runs into the tall grass chasing the elusive Frisbee, her only known prey. 
Husband says she hasn't missed a catch in weeks, no stalking in the tall grass for her.
Helen agrees, besides, if the Awesome U-yah pawed Helen's neck, Helen would have remembered it.

(You escaped the photo of you in footie pajamas, Hubby, but one day when you least expect it, you will raise Helen's ire and it WILL appear. )
        Last in the Line Up:       4) Bacon D. Hammbutt. The wild card. 
 Cleared of all suspicion. 
Why? WHY? Wook at dat  pwecious widdle face! I ask you, is that the face of a criminal? Only if the crime is stealing hearts. (Also, he is a proper lap dog and the offending ivy fans from behind one ear, shoulder and throat.) 

All had the means.
All had the motive (food and kisses, the two most powerful motives known to petkind).
All had access to the victim.
Who could have done it? Helen is just itching to know. Oh heck, Helen is just itchin’. Period. 
Pssst. I did it and I'd do it again if it got me lunch but if you tell anyone I said that, you're next! Also, I don't have any clue what I supposedly did. I am not a bright girl. But I have claws. Be afraid.
 The mystery may never be solved but hoping the itching subsides by Thursday when Helen heads out for her annual trek along the World’s Longest Yard Sale! (It runs near my house so will be able to post pics daily) Cannot wait!
Let me know if there is something particular you’d like me to snap a pic of and I'll be on the hunt for it as I go along!

Joining Rednesday (if that rash doesn't count - nothing does!) at It's a Very Cherry World


  1. Hello Helen:
    Are you pretending at being a little confused? It seems to us that you are in fact running an animal sanctuary, or even a zoo on the side. We suggest that the infliction which you are presently suffering is the result of a bite from an escapee from the reptile house which you have deliberately not pictured for fear of the authorities catching up with you. Instead you are trying to cast blame on the innocent Miss Moxie T, amongst others. Bad, very bad show!!!

  2. I have no suggestion for the itching, but if the rash isn't gone by Thursday, just wear hubby's real beard, and no one will notice. :)

  3. Jane and Lance - you've got me, but you've neglected to take into account the monkey house and the exotic bird aviary. But, I put it to you, these are places Miss T would be drawn to as well. (I honestly suspect the Snuggle Bunny, it's always the quiet ones)

  4. Dana - Brilliant! Thanks for the laughs, y'all.

  5. Well, "Helen", it's obvious whodunit! You failed to mention the prime suspect in this case: (turning slowly and pointing a finger) it's Mr. Hartman! Yes! That real RED hair and real beard - what else could have given you such an unearthly rash! (Unless it was an alien)

  6. Bwahahaha Sue! And He is constantly in disguise... what is THAT about?

  7. Ohmygod I hate poison ivy! You poor thing! I can't say for sure who did it but does it help that your pets have the coolest names ever? Have fun at the WLYS and take bug spray or you WILL be itchin'!

  8. My husband gets poison ivy every single summer when he works in our woods. You have my sympathy. He swears by Ivarest Poison Ivy Itch Relief Cream (found at Walgreens) to help with the awful itching. Can't wait to see what goodies you end up with at the World's Longest Yard sale! Sounds fabulous.

  9. Can't give you any advice with the rash but I have to say that I absolutely adore every member of your menagerie. x

  10. These precious babies could never do such a thing. I think it was the guy with the funny hair and the beard!

  11. Kim - ran out and got some. It does help. Thanks!

    Vix - thanks, they are family despite their faults.

    Lynn - you are definitely not along with that theory!

  12. Oh, you are so funny! I am so jealous about the yard sale. I have always wanted to go to that but can't because it's ALWAYS the first week of school for my son and what kind of a mother would I be if I didn't stay home and put my family before junk heaven, I ask you. If you can -- please photograph: people's granny carts with pretty liners, McCoy pottery if it's dirt cheap, button jars or tins or boxes full of buttons, and vintage lace/trim/fabric if it's fabulous. Thank you!!!!!!

  13. Oh dear. So sorry about the poison ivy, and the mystery involving your getting it! I got it last year, for the umpteenth time, and I couldn't figure out where I got it, until I found it In My Garden! It's never ever been there before, and now I currently have two patches of it that I'm terrified to go near. All I can think of is that birds are pooping out the seeds in my garden! Ivarest works wonders, and you can find it at most drugstores. Unfortunately I needed steroids last year to make it go away. Hope you find some relief, and I can't wait to see your posts from the road!

  14. Poison ivy is vexing, to say the least!


    For red my affection is great,
    It’s puce and chartreuse that I hate.
    I’m fond of cerise,
    It makes a nice piece
    Of clothing that looks just first-rate.

    © 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher

    Lost Red Spoon

  15. A Rednesday mystery...
    An impending garage sale. Paw prints. Beards!
    Awwwwwww, they're all so furry and snuggable though, how could they be so mischievious!
    Have fun at the garage sale (world's longest...they have those!?!).

  16. Will do Laurie! I will ponder that what kind of mother would you be question - drat that education, what has it ever done for us anyway?

    Carol - Yikes on poison ivy in the garden. We have 2 acres with fields on both sides, so it could be anywhere!

  17. Love the poem MMT!

    Yes Rachel - they actually have a lot of them around here, they stretch along highways, people bring junk into farms and parking lots and churches and in their front yards! This one the 127 stretches from Michigan to Alabama! I just do the Southern Ky part, though and see enough to hold me all year.

  18. Hoping you are feeling better! I think I may have seen your red haired hubby at Kroger...

    Happy yard sale-ing! :)


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