Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lemons and other signs of Life

Dear Helen Hartman,
Ugh. The end of summer always finds me dragging. It’s too hot to be fall, but summer activities have ground to a halt. Halloween and Christmas are in the stores. I don’t know what season it is. It just makes me feel funny. 
            Love to know how to get back to my old self.

Dear Loved One,
   Helen can sympathize only in her case she doesn’t feel funny. She feels UNfunny. It usually happens when I try to plan a post rather than just going with what strikes me at the moment.
At one point in time Helen was a motivational counselor – and no, the motivation did not consisted of:


So she has tried running through some of the sayings used to get people going in the right direction again.
Let’s see: If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Family Planning 50's style - try not to have more kids than your bathtub can hold!
 My son pointed out recently that planning to fail was, by default, still planning and therefore NOT failing but actually success. 
Why didn't I go all Mommie Dearest on that kid BEFORE he was 6 ft tall?
Helen is worried what he plans to ‘succeed’ at next, when he told her that.

Then she thought of that saying: When life gives you lemons… make lemonade.
Trivet, cutting board or wall hanging? It's so darn cute I don't care, I had to have it!

First off, what’s so bad about lemons? Sure, they can be tart, but they are bright and squeezable but if you squeeze them the wrong way they squirt people in the eye and make them wince. These do not sound like bad traits to me. In fact, they sound like something to aspire to.

I KNOW you are not trying to argue with Helen before she's had her first cup of coffee.

And if life DOES give you lemons, Must you make Lemonade? Couldn't you find something better to do with them?
Lemons? Why yes, that IS The secret to filling out my bra! Pointy end out for this natural look, of course!

That sounds so much smarter than buying a bust developing system from the back of a magazine from this guy!
Hey, Ladies, don't trusts your busts to just any guy in dark glasses. I gots an ad in a national magazine, that's class.

 Why lemons anyway? Why not, say... prunes – 

When Life gives you prunes put them in cake. That will fool them. Just like the 'no ironing needed' promise lulled you into buying those outfits. You are not the brightest candle in the prune cake, are you?
And why do you have to take what life gives you and try to disguise it? If life gave you Rice Crispies… you wouldn’t do THIS would you? 

Rice-y Spicy meatballs - a name so ridiculous we had to print it twice because even WE couldn't believe we'd used it.
 I’m asking… seriously. WOULD you do THIS?
 Because if you did Helen might just shut off her computer and start drinking right NOW.
No, I WAS NOT sitting here making a martini with a lemon twist from the lemons life gave you. 
I just had this handy from my little BOX O' DRINKS - I am not making that up.

BOX O' DRINKS - Ta-Da! And a yellow ice bucket I couldn't resist. Tres jolie!
Around here Life gave Helen eggplant this week. Helen, in turn cooked it up in olive oil and bread crumbs and gave it to her family who thought they should give the leftovers to the dogs who thought they should give it right back to Helen… on her white shag carpet. THAT is Life.

Summers turns to fall, fall to winter. The seasons change, the consumer machine churns on, guys sell things to gals to improve their looks, Moms cook, dogs barf, carpets are cleaned and on we go. 
As to not feeling yourself? This too shall pass and if not, you can always try some dried plum cake to help it along!

Like Helen on Facebook! Why? I don't know why. Because all the cool kids are doing it, okay?

Joining Giggles, Glitz and Glam Tuesday Glam party.
and Show Me What You Got at Not Just a Housewife.
and probably some more if I get around to it!
Joining Wow us Wednesday at Savvy Southern Style
Share the Love Wednesday at Very Merry Vintage
Rednesday at Sue Loves Cherries


  1. Lemons are also good for something my husband likes to do when he's out drinking with the boys. You get a shot of tequila with a slice of lemon and a salt shaker. Then you slam the shot, snort the salt and wring lemon juice in your eye. This is a one-time-only man thing, obviously, except for one of his friends who managed to do this at five consecutive bars until his nose started to bleed and he couldn't see. But with five shots of tequila, who cares?! The stunt has a name, which I forgot, but maybe it's in your little Box O'Drinks under "Stupid Man Drinks".

  2. Thanks for the advice! I was just about to overfill my bath tub with children. You got to me right in the knick of time!

  3. Your advice is always valuable. It's true - what have these poor lemons done?

  4. Man, nothing like a good prune to make you want to run in the morning.

    And by run, I mean...

  5. Eh - we have 3 dogs and 2 cats, something is always coming out of someone around here!

    Christine - OMG, that really is a man thing. A manly man thing, of course.

  6. Y'all crack me up.

    Eartha - whew! That was a close call!

    Olga - the lemons of the world thank you.

    Barbara - that poor family won't know what hit them!

  7. Whew, Yeah, 105 F here the past few days despite a mild summer for my area. And lo and behold, Halloween candy at the store already.

    That prune cake just burns my ass lol... *blork*

  8. If life gives you lemons, clock the giver square between the eyes with one of them, then kick back with a box of chocolates and laugh about it. That keeps some lemons in reserve for martinis later.

    As for the rice-y spicy meatballs...I can think of sooooo many reasons I'd never do that.

  9. Lemons are good for sticking in a bottle of ice cold Mexican beer or accesorising my rum and coke.
    Prunes on the other hand are the work of the devil and should never be put in any cake. x

  10. Kiddies may be Trick or Treating in bathing suits this year if it doesn't cool off - lol about prune cake!

    Dana - KNEW you'd never betray Snap. Crackle and Pop like that!

    Vix, I really am more of a lime girl but lemons are always an essential of any bar. LOL on Prune cake, it does seem to inspire a strong negative reaction.

  11. So...is the kid with the slingshot going to shoot the prune pits at the photographer when his mom isn't looking?? I mean, what else would they do with all the pits...

  12. Yep...using Snap, Crackle and Pop as meat extenders just sounds wrong on so many levels.

  13. LOL Deb - that has to be the connection to the sling shot!

  14. Great post with a lot of truth tucked inside.

  15. I just let my lemons dry out. Why, I have one on the floor of my kitchen right now. (Don't ask.)


    I am feeling red today—
    Better that than blue, they say.

    Red is such a cheery shade,
    Sweetest color ever made,

    Brightens everything you do—
    Better red, they say, than blue!

    © 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher


  16. How in the world do you connect all these great pictures into such a fun post? My stops here always make me smile! Thanks for linking up to Share the Love Wednesday!

  17. Thank you LV!

    MMT - better red than blue to you too! Another fine poem.

  18. Thanks Mary - I LOVE Share the Love Wednesday. So easy to make connections when you can't think straight to begin with!

  19. Your posts are always the perfect way to start my day or end my evening. Your posts always bring a smile to my face. I'm especially loving the large-than-life martini glass on your lap. Cheers!

  20. Hello Helen:
    We are firmly with you on the track of life [or should that be rollercoaster] that everything is what you make it to be, although we leave the lemonade making to Timea, our housekeeper, who in all matters domestic is our superior!

    We love the giant Martini glass and shall remember to ask for cocktails if we ever should be invited to visit you!! Shag carpet with all your animals........our minds are collectively boggling!!

  21. Kim - Thanks. Found that huge glass at a flea mall and walking through the whole things carrying it. You meet the most interesting people that way!

  22. LOL! Love it! My first smile for the day!

  23. Jane and Lance - well, they are small rugs that we shake out daily and if something happens, they spend the day in the sunshine. My housekeeper is... no one though it might be my hubby because if we ever split HE Is keeping this danged house, I am buying an RV and becoming a gypsy!

    Thanks Diann.

  24. Thankfully I have a small bathtub. I adore lemons!

  25. Thanks Barbara!
    Holly - then whatever bathtub space you don't want filled with kids, store lemons!

  26. Yes, this too shall pass. I think that is my all time favorite saying.

    Hopping over to Like Helen on FB. I so want to be a cool kid.

    Happy weekend!

  27. Dear "Helen"
    Soooo glad you visited so I could find you! You crack me up! Who knew lemons could be so inspiring! I saw this on the web and it fits my moods more often then not, "When life serves you lemons, slice those suckers up and find some tequila"! I am your newest follower and am putting you under my favorites so I can keep excercising (sp?) my laugh muscles, and, right now, that's the only muscle I want to move!

  28. Thanks Karen and Rebecca!

    Working on a new post but life keep rolling lemons at me!

  29. I am heading straight to the store to get lemons for my bra! Genius! ;)

  30. bahahaha! I think some people who live in the estate near me should use the kids/bath tub family planning advise! Scarlett x

  31. I think I gotta go get me some lemons . . . and a box o'drinks!

  32. LOL, Jori - you gotta have the pointy bra though.

  33. Scarlett - or they could get a bigger tub!

  34. Sue - I have had that recipe box for years and just realized it said Box o Drinks on it. What else is around here Bag O Chips? Can O Worms?


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