Monday, August 1, 2011

Making Up Is Hard to Do -o-o-o-o

 Dear Helen Hartman,
    Did you really find a story about a lady who was able to put on her makeup in only 15 steps? Was I imaging that? If not, please explain how that’s possible.
                  Would love to pare my routine down to something so simple.

Dear Loved One,
            Helen can tell you how to reduce your routine to 3 steps.
1) Paint on a little lip color. Red is always a good choice. It makes your teeth look white and leaves the prettiest imprint if you have to take a bite out of someone. If? Listen to Helen… she’s getting soft, isn’t she? WHEN… when you have to take a bite out of someone.
The red dye in this stuff is so toxic she doesn't want the whole tube anywhere near her even as she is clearly thinking "One day the part of Endora on Bewitched WILL be mine!".
2) Dark sunglasses. Can’t see out of them? Good. That means no one can see IN either.
Yeah, I know, the danger of too dark of glasses is running into people, literally. That's why Helen prefers to stay home and wear her dark glasses to hide from her children
 3) Lastly, develop the kind of attitude that makes people shy about getting close enough to know you’re not wearing any makeup and terrified of ruffling your feathers by mentioning it… ever. You might be surprised how much keeping distance between one's self and others improves one's appearance to others. And one's day for one's self. (Did Helen ever tell you she works in costumer service? Now maybe you understand why she wants to bite people)
See these? These are big girl panties. Put them on and stop yer cryin' or Helen will give you something to cry about... she'll start explaining the whole debt ceiling debacle to you.
 But pity poor Joan Hussey, suburban housewife and…. young… mother of a…

…a 2 year old? Okay, Helen wants to know just what went on back then that made everyone look middle aged no matter how young they supposedly were! Was it the music? The straining to watch the itty bitty black and white tvs? Or were they just gullible and didn’t realize when the media told a fib? (These were the ones who believed a common school desk could save them from nuclear holocaust, after all).
Doing less, that's your favorite, right dear? Just sit nice and close here until your eyes water and I look as pretty as the lady in the little box, 'kay?
Anyway, our intrepid heroine, Joan, lived in the time when men were manly.
Double fisted drinking? Any sissy man can do that. I go for double fisted smoking.  Soon... double fisted coughing and double fisted lung disease! Now that's a MAN's way to go.
 So women were…
 
mother of a 2 year old? Really? Sigh, Okay, if you say so. Let’s peek in on Joan’s well-mannered makeup routine (what, I wonder, were other women’s make up routines? Rude and rowdy? Were they sticking their heads in stranger’s handbags and rubbing bits of left over rouge and eye shadow on their faces and going with that? – Hmmm, Helen can get on board with that – 1 easy step!)
"You know that tramp, Theresa, says she learned to do make up in college." "Yeah, right. CLOWN college"
The first three steps for Joan are cold cream, facial, wash and pat dry. After that – base and while that is not quite dry, rouge. 

Rouge! Apparently in the 50s it gave you the power of X-Ray vision.
 Then comes the powder. SO. Much. Powder.
 Not just one but ‘face’ powder (Helen cannot be responsible for anyone who uses foot powder, though she has seen a few people whose faces looked like a big toe) followed by setting powder. Then bring out a second mirror in order to do you lips...
Maybe if I am pretty enough he'll buy me a bigger diamond. Why else would I be doing all this if there isn't something more than looking like a matronly housewife at the end?
And... Loved Ones, we are only half way through. Spoiler Alert - she looks exactly the same at the end as she does at this point. Only they put her in a rose colored dress. Like she still has the energy to go out after this!
Helen is so exhausted just looking at the pictures she has to go lay down. If she were Joan she’d throw on an awesome dressing gown (like this hand sewn gem found at a vintage wedding store close out for $10!) say I had a headache and stop after the facial. 

Awesome ain't it?
In fact, she thinks she’ll do just that.   Happy Monday Loved One and Joan, I hope you've finally finished that make up session, where ever you are!
      
Joining: Anything Goes at Type A 
And Rednesday at Very Cherry World

23 comments:

  1. beautiful gown....look how tiny that waist is!

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  2. Hello Helen:
    We are quite sure, dear Helen, that you are as pretty as a peach and require no make up at all. However, your 3 steps to make-up heaven are perfect for the woman in a hurry who needs a little help if she is not to frighten small children on her way to the shops!!

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  3. Good way to start Monday.. happy that today I have a 0 step makeup routine. That's what tans are for! Love the xray vision add !! Jules

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  4. Dear Helen. That gown is fantastic...why waste time putting on undergarments...just slip on the gown, fill that cocktail shaker and grab the nearest man and enjoy the day. Sea Witch

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  5. Make up? Stopped wearing that ages ago. One of the joys of growing old. You stop caring what others think of you ;)

    Lovely dress!!

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  6. Sea Witch put it perfectly. Sod the makeup and mix up a cocktail. Work for me. x

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  7. I'm thinking my oldest might be trying the 15 step approach to makeup application with the AMOUNT of time she's spending in the bathroom lately. The funny thing, she's been told she can only use a tiny bit of makeup. Gorgeous dressing gown. $10. Squeal!

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  8. I just love tell it like it is Helen Hartman. Is it true a school desk won't protect from an atomic bomb? Crap - I suppose it won't shield from other man made disasters either...like our congress. xoxo Nancy

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  9. I KNOW Ann- soooo much fabric and such a small waist!

    Jane and Lance - Thank you and you know little children LOVE Helen. She encourages them to behave badly.

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  10. Hmm, no make up, no undies, no problem! I like it.

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  11. Kim - I recall my sister giving me her leftover Yardley of London paint on eyeshadow at age 12 - let's just say when Daddy saw the result I learned the a little make up goes a long way lesson the Hard Way (Daddy's don't scrub faces as nicely as Mommies, btw).

    Nancy - that's a hoot. If only it were so!

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  12. No makeup for me---not since DH said, "Why do you bother with all that?" and went on to say something nice about my complexion.

    But I WILL savor the image of the R&R women rooting for Revlon in other people's pocketbooks. Law Sakes!!

    I DO miss those teeeee-ninecy Avon lipstick samples, though---the little white tubes with the half-inch of pointy pink inside. And WERE WE EVER grown-up when we got our own shiny red snap-box of spit-on-the-brush Maybelline. Good times.

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  13. I had forgotten about those itty bitty Avon lipsticks! Oh how I loved them.

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  14. i always laugh/smile when i read your blog! love the dress. thanks for partying with me!

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  15. Sleep apparently has restorative powers for the complexion. Which is good as I'm just too damn lazy to bother with make-up, unless I'm going out of an evening. Which is counter-intuitive really, considering I wear most when it's dark...

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  16. OH you crack me up! Do people really wear make up when it's this hot?

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  17. Not me, I'm going nekkid faced into the world!

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  18. Gee, you've got me in the mood to call a Avon representative . . . or Mary Kay . . . NOT!

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  19. LOL _ I used to love the Avon catalogue but have gone to enough Mary Kay parties to last a lifetime.

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  20. In most cases, just a dab will do you. It does not take me long, and I have not won any beauty contest, but look okay.

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  21. OMG, that dress!! Swoon! What is costumer service? Do you work backstage at a theater? Or in a Halloween store? ;)

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  22. This has to be my favorite post of the day!! LOVE IT!!! And that dress....oh my goodness! Beautiful!
    Love your blog! I plan to visit often!
    -April

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  23. Laurie - customer service means I help people, cranky, ungrateful people, over the phone :)

    Thanks April!

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