Friday, September 23, 2011

Just What Chicken Little Needed

Dear Helen Hartman,
 I have a garage sale gripe! I wish people who place ads would get a few things straight – first of all, ‘estate’ is not an alternate term for “BIG” or “Fancy”. Just because you live in a place called Rock-Bottom Back Road Estates does not mean when you drag your busted up kid’s toys and never used treadmill into your yard you are having an estate sale!  And another thing—

Beep* Beep* Beep *  

The Sky Is Falling!  The Sky is FALLING!

If it hasn’t already! 

Over reacting? I always dress like this to walk to my car.

In case you’ve been under the influence 

 God made them sisters. Gin made them stop griping about it.

Or haven’t been able to watch TV

Wouldn't you know it, the dog chewed a hole in his best TV on the one day the shop was closed!

Then you know that sometime today something is going to fall from the sky! (Is it money? Please tell me it's money)

That's right, Kathy, money DOES grow on trees. So remember, if your 'new' daddy doesn't buy you everything you want, he's holding out on you and you should make him pay for it.

Helen has been wracking her brain trying to figure out what to do!

What? Helen swimming for the safety of a secluded island? Did you ever think maybe she was diving for pearls to make a necklace for YOU? Well, you're not getting one now.

Oh, all right, let’s get real – when the world goes to Helen in a handbag she knows just what to do – get a matching HAT! 

So Louise says - "I could never look as good in that hat as you do." and I said, "Don't feel bad - you could never do ANYTHING in this hat as well as I do."

 Not only can it provide some cover for your lovely little head, if you do get conked on the noggin’ and get sent to that great garage sale in the sky – you’ll go knowing YOU LOOK Fabulous. 

If there were things falling from space THIS hat would surely pick up signals even before NASA! Wishing now I'd bought it but it was too much $$$. Still perfect for Pink Saturday.

Or maybe not... 

Yes, I did make my hat and purse from a couple of table napkins. Laugh all you want but don't come running to me at the neighborhood barbecue you have sauce all over your hands and face and all you have are those cheap bargain paper towels that tramp Teresa buys and pretends are 'green' to deal with it.

Of course if hats aren’t for you, Helen has an alternative. Aqua Net!

You’re already wearing enough hair spray to keep it looking perfect in a full frontal gale force wind – just add another layer and you are good to go, girl.

Of course you can stay inside.

Duct taping over windows is so gauche. I use pretty, pretty Contact paper to keep space debris... and the radio waves the aliens beam into my head - out.

Or you can just go ahead and have a great time:

Tonight we're going to party like it's Nine-teen-FIFTY-NINE!

Have a great weekend. Only don’t show up at Helen’s. If the sky falls on her, she is going to go out as she lived:

with a martini in her thermos, her hair in curlers, reading trashy magazines and ignoring… everyone!


  1. Well it sounds like the "Estate Sale" wasn't everything you hoped it would be, but the pink hat is something else (maybe you should go back when they go 50% off on the last day and but it).

  2. Ha ha ha ha ha ha great post ;-)) I haven't heard the news yet this morning so im not sure who or where or which country got landing space debris on their heads ;-)) Have a great weekend, dee x

  3. I'll take that thermos of martinis and keep working on my tin foil hat. With that combo, I should be ready for anything.

  4. Hello Helen:
    Well, one cannot let a few pieces of satellite put one off one's stride. We never leave home without a hat but perhaps, after this timely advice, we shall wear helmets today. Be they say!!

  5. Helen and her Daughters - the hat was at a shop a long drive away, which is good or I'd have gone back for it and spent a crazy amount for it. The estate sale was just goofy.

  6. Dee - I just heard it landed but they don't know where. I'm afraid to look in my backyard.

  7. Dana - use the GOOD foil. Not that cheapo stuff.And don't forget to make it look nice. I mean, thought beams or not, there is no excuse for looking tacky walking down the street with your thermos and silver helmet!

  8. Jane and Lance, you seem the types to always be prepared AND sporting your own personal style, even in a crisis.

  9. Rofl! I'll take that thermos off martinis and the trashy magazines! I heard it landed, I didn't hear any loud noises, so I'll assume it wasn't over here.....

    Here from LBS

  10. You are so FreAkin FunNy!!! I think I need to frame the sisters with your quote. Can I quote you? How about a book, "Everything I ever needed to know I learned from Helen"? Hey, whose idea was it to hide under a desk when you could have a fabulous hat?

  11. OMG - Just stopped by from the LBS Tea PArty and I am dying laughing. SOOOOOOOOO glad I found you. You have a new follower!

  12. I'm still trying to figure out how someone has a "Multi Family Estate Sale"

  13. Rose's daughter - so glad you're safe! Cheers!

  14. Thanks Y'all - Mom Walds - you mean a desk won't save me from nuclear fallout? OH well, more Aqua Net.

    Welcome Nicole!
    LOL Michelle - it must have been a bad week for elderly folks in that neighborhood!

  15. I'm visiting from LBS, and I nearly choked on my sandwich reading your hilarious post! I had the feeling I was flipping through myriad TV stations without benefit of a properly working remote... or tuner, for that matter. What great fun! :-)

  16. Ha! Teased hair and Aqua Net....those were the days!!!

  17. Thanks - can't wait to visit your blog back.

    Sherry - those WERE the days? I love me my hair spray (Aussie FREEZE is my fav)

  18. May I say you had me giggleing with your clarification of "estate sale." Oh my goodness! I don't know if it's the new trend or not, but you see so many women quoting, "This was purchased at an estate sale." I'm left wondering, is that a fancy way of saying "garage sale?" Really! I, for one, love the pink hat! I would gladly wear that, whether it came from an estate sale or a yard sale! Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting! :)

  19. What a fun post. You really went all out on this post. Job well done.

  20. Dear HH, you just crack me up! I just love your sense of humor! Pinkim

  21. Happy pinkness...Happy Autumn....I am so excited for Fall, I know you are too !!It just makes me want to cozy up...enjoy your week-end!
    God Bless You

  22. You are just the best! thanks for brightening up a wet sunday post hangover! x

  23. woop woop!! we hear you....ESTATE sale? Yep...we've been to a few misleading ones 4sure!!

  24. What a delightful blog! New follower from the blog hop!

  25. Hi, visiting from LBS. Some of those hats look like great additions to any stylish woman's wardrobe, especially in the event of a satellite falling from the sky. Not as unlikely as one would think apparently!

  26. Thanks y'all - so happy to have some new blogs to visit and so happy to have some new visitors!


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