Dear Helen Hartman,
I have a garage sale gripe! I wish people who place ads would get a few things straight – first of all, ‘estate’ is not an alternate term for “BIG” or “Fancy”. Just because you live in a place called Rock-Bottom Back Road Estates does not mean when you drag your busted up kid’s toys and never used treadmill into your yard you are having an estate sale! And another thing—
Beep* Beep* Beep *
WE INTERUPT THIS RANT FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
|The Sky Is Falling! The Sky is FALLING!|
If it hasn’t already!
Over reacting? I always dress like this to walk to my car.
In case you’ve been under the influence
|God made them sisters. Gin made them stop griping about it.|
Or haven’t been able to watch TV
|Wouldn't you know it, the dog chewed a hole in his best TV on the one day the shop was closed!|
Then you know that sometime today something is going to fall from the sky! (Is it money? Please tell me it's money)
|That's right, Kathy, money DOES grow on trees. So remember, if your 'new' daddy doesn't buy you everything you want, he's holding out on you and you should make him pay for it.|
Helen has been wracking her brain trying to figure out what to do!
|What? Helen swimming for the safety of a secluded island? Did you ever think maybe she was diving for pearls to make a necklace for YOU? Well, you're not getting one now.|
Oh, all right, let’s get real – when the world goes to Helen in a handbag she knows just what to do – get a matching HAT!
|So Louise says - "I could never look as good in that hat as you do." and I said, "Don't feel bad - you could never do ANYTHING in this hat as well as I do."|
Not only can it provide some cover for your lovely little head, if you do get conked on the noggin’ and get sent to that great garage sale in the sky – you’ll go knowing YOU LOOK Fabulous.
Or maybe not...
|If there were things falling from space THIS hat would surely pick up signals even before NASA! Wishing now I'd bought it but it was too much $$$. Still perfect for Pink Saturday.|
Or maybe not...
Of course if hats aren’t for you, Helen has an alternative. Aqua Net!
|You’re already wearing enough hair spray to keep it looking perfect in a full frontal gale force wind – just add another layer and you are good to go, girl.|
Of course you can stay inside.
|Duct taping over windows is so gauche. I use pretty, pretty Contact paper to keep space debris... and the radio waves the aliens beam into my head - out.|
Or you can just go ahead and have a great time:
|Tonight we're going to party like it's Nine-teen-FIFTY-NINE!|
Have a great weekend. Only don’t show up at Helen’s. If the sky falls on her, she is going to go out as she lived:
with a martini in her thermos, her hair in curlers, reading trashy magazines and ignoring… everyone!