Friday, September 2, 2011

Labor Day Pains

Dear Helen Hartman,
 I am fuming. I have a three day weekend and want to get some things done around my house but the home repair people I've called do not want to work all weekend because, get this, it's LABOR DAY! Duh! When did people get so DUMB? That's what I want them to do - just some general labor. Sheesh, would love to go back to a simpler time when people said what they meant!

Dear Loved Labor Days Lost,
You called Helen's place of work this week, didn't you? You did. I know it. There were at least three people who had this very idea and tried to get their way by being ugly. A short talk with Helen changed their minds.
We don't like to use the B word around here but sometimes that's exactly what we're talking about -- and we also use it to mean a female dog, too.
  First off, I feel compelled to defend things that aren't what they seem. Those are the very things that often make life interesting!

And old find and a recent one - the pink glittery one clearly once held a roll of note paper but the dispenser was long ago glued in place - so I use it to prop up business cards. The other - not sure what it was supposed to be, but I have run a cord through the holes and use it as a cell phone charging station.
My Only Pink for Pink Saturday today!!
 As for those good old simpler times... did you forget Helen LIVES in a simpler time? It is oh, so handy to grab, let's say Better Homes and Gardens from August 1950. And... you're right! 

What is this hard cold stuff in your drinks, Betty? Ice? You MUST give me the recipe!
 It was a simpler time -- when men were men

We wasn't arranging these flowers and listening to Mantovani while discussin' African fertility art in dis dimly lit room, doll, I swear. We was cussin' and fightin' like REAL men.

...and women were... spoken to like children.

Please Mommie, won't you please remember to feed us bread? We're so tired of eating peanut butter and jelly with our hands!

And everything was completely clear and in the open. For example:Our cigarets are well made. 
What else could this ad have meant with the tag line 'So round, so firm, so fully packed - so free and easy on the draw', hmm?
No, really, this is NOT a photo of Helen lounging around on a late summer evening -- but I can see why you'd think that!

 And what's this? Can you guess what they are selling here?

Silly me, when he asked if I wanted to ride his magic rocket to the moon, I thought he meant sex!

That's right - it's an ad for Oldsmobile! How could you not have thought big old gas guzzling car when you saw that? So I get how you could resent people NOT laboring on Labor Day just for you.

Hello. I am an official representative of The Universe and I'm here to let you know that you are mistaken.We do NOT revolve around you.

 As for me, my own weekend plans do not involve any kind of labor - unless some poor lady gives birth at the mega flea market at the fair grounds. It could happen! Flea markets are full of things that are often lovely to look at, odd and sometimes scary. A regular breeding ground for children of the corndogs!

At the Flea Market:  I've never in my whole life seen anything like that, Aunt Myrtle-Mae, have you?                                    Seen one? Honey, I have it in every color and one in black leather with leopard print trim! 

 Of course Helen is all for being clear. A lot of problems can be avoided by not being afraid to tell people exactly what you want.
I guess I should have been more clear when I told the designer I wanted he bathroom to be a cozy place to "do our business".

 The colors in that photo are mind boggling enough but did you see that angel? It has its arms out like its saying Ta Da! The very thought has Helen flushed and in shock.
So I'm saying - enjoy your weekend, plain and simple.  And if you want someone to work through a holiday weekend... call someone ELSE!

Helen Loves to push people's buttons but can't get one to work on her blog so click here to like Helen on Facebook!


  1. I LUV labor day... It marks the end of summer yay!!

    One last blast from the mariachi music behind me, the final gasp of BBQ smoke pumped into my house at full bore and bad talk radio from the guy next to me, and the neighborhood kids are finally back at school instead of thinking it's cute if they let their dog relieve itself on my front lawn. :)

  2. I am SO stealing that "ice" ad for my blog!!! And my god, that bathroom...frightening!

    I'm so glad we have you around!

  3. Have a great weekend and here's to no dogs!

    Barbara - enjoy the ad - send people back over here for that recipe (I think I have it!)

  4. Ha!
    Hilarious Helen!
    You made my dog drool!

  5. That was a fun read! Love the glittery typewriter/card holder.

  6. That was a great post. The cigarette ad and the car ad .... true testaments to great time in our culture, but I wouldn't want to return to that again!

    Have a great Labor Day weekend ..... and stay away from very pregnant ladies!

    dana :)

  7. :-) In the midst of a Mad Men marathon. In love with all MCM, except the bad stuff. LOL!!! HPS!

  8. Super post!

    Thanks for stopping by to see my painting!

  9. Thanks y'all - I've been visiting your blogs if you are new to me - y'all are some amazing and inspiring bloggers.

  10. We don't know how you found us but we are glad you did! We are also one of your new followers! We are loving your humor, you keep it fun and interesting.

    Have a lovely weekend
    Laura and michele

  11. It was lovely to see your visiting card left at LAWN TEA today, and I hope you'll return soon.

    And if the wall behind the bikes looks familiar, it's the side of a 50's RANCH---ours, complete with orange burlap/chrome breakfast chairs, venetian blinds, narrow hardwood floors, and a red-palm-tree juice set.

    When I looked at that open-the-door picture, I saw one thing, but on enlarging, it was different. Is the guy in the hat holding a gun on the other guy, and if not, why does the guy have his hands up? Also, it seemed that the third guy might be robbing the place, but he's just admiring the coffee-table decor, as Joan Crawford, more stony-faced than the statue, stands in the doorway. Only Lawrence Dobkin could do justice to that story.

  12. I loved the ice and car ads and also the cigarette tag line...hilarious. I am going to quote it on one of my pages...:))

  13. Hello Helen:
    Every day is non-labour day as far as we are concerned and we get rather irritated when some work gets in the way of our amusement. So, we fully support your shrugging off your power shoulder pads, kicking off your killer heels and entering into a wi-fi free zone. Just pour yourself [or, even better have someone pour for you]a giant Martini and enjoy!! Happy Weekend!!

  14. Vintage Bettys - found you from a comment you left somewhere, your names were irresistible!

    Rachel - YES, he is holding a GUN, told ya they were doing manly stuff!

  15. Khushi - I remember my day quoting that line. Should have mentioned it was the tag line for Lucky Strikes cigarettes!

  16. Thanks Jane and Lance - I JUST learned what's in an Arnold Palmer. half lemonade, half iced tea, a bourbon! How did I miss that? in my days of youthful indiscretion - ie having way too much fun - as a bartender? That's what I plan to drink... only not at the flea market, that might be too much even for Helen.

  17. ----ohhhh, this was superb. So glad you stopped by my blog so I could savor yours. I'm subscribing, baaaby :) x

  18. I am one of your followers but I haven't been by your blog for a while and I have just berated myself for not coming by sooner. I shall now have to spend the afternoon here catching up...what a hoot you are-Loved the labor day letter! I have thoroughly enjoyed being here again.
    So sorry to have neglected you - I shall make it up to you though ;)

  19. I do so enjoy your humor and always look forward to you new posts, I did "like" your facebook page. I have one also, check it out if you haven't already.

  20. Goodness, just the very word "labor" gives me pains. I try to avoid even thinking about it.
    I kind of like that bathroom, you really would have a seat of power, don'tcha think?

  21. Hope you're having a great Labor Day weekend. The photo of that bathroom so unnerved me that I think I'll spend the rest of mine recuperating on the couch!

  22. Helen and her daughters - I LIKED ya right back! I need to like more FB bloggers but I keep forgetting.

    LOL Francie - a gal could rule the universe from that bathroom!

    Dana - then it might set you back for another day if I tell you this was an add saying this bathroom was the way to SELL A HOUSE because people do NOT LIKE neutral bathrooms!

  23. I love the old ads! Im off to get myself some bread ;o) Scarlett x


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