Dear Helen Hartman,
I have a big occasion coming up that calls for me to make a toast. Am not ashamed to say this intimidates me.
Love some suggestions for what to do!
Dear Loved One,
Helen sympathizes with you. Ugh. I hate to be put in a situation to have to prepare something for a whole group of people. But don’t fret. As usual Helen has the answers.
Toast. It can be daunting. But let’s break it down. It’s bread, really.
|V is for bread... and they accuse the younger generation of crazy spelling!|
Bread is our friend, right? In fact it’s such a good friend to children that in days past people literally stuffed children with it:
Yes, the toasting can be tricky. Too dark, too light, how do you get it just right? Do not despair – help is on the way.
|"That's right, dear, the best toast I ever tasted was at that tramp Teresa's house. You never know what will pop up over there but you know it will be good and hot. The toast, I mean.|
What? YOU don’t own a recipe book to tell you how to make toast? Your poor, poor family. Forced to go out into the wilderness to forage for toast and toast-like substitutes with no one but grandpa as a guide.
As always, Helen to the rescue. She will share. Not her toast, are you out of your mind? No, some advice about making toast. I know it looks way too complicated for your dizzy little female brains and far too tempting to your manly mind to just poke the toaster with a fork – but don’t do it!
|YEOOW! I put a fork in the toaster and it knocked my pants clean off! Also, it put these ballet slippers on my feet. Um, right, that's how it happened.|
|AH-AH-AH - Behold the power of colorful aluminum to keep factory fresh butter in its natural stick like state!|
Now we are ready – here are the step by step instructions. Do not panic. I know, it gets difficult around step 3 – “Bite into it.” Even our model is hesitant.
|What if this so-called 'toast' isn't everything it's hyped up to be? What if it IS? How will I ever go back to 6 slices of plain bread again?|
So there you have it – once you have mastered the basics the book suggests you try more exotic things like putting cinnamon on your toast and even adding… what? A? Are you sure? It says make a toast? Oh, um… well, if you think Helen is going to go back and rewrite a whole post over a single word, then your brain is what’s toast, that’s all I’ve got to say.
But Helen isn’t unreasonable. Yet. She will leave you with the actual toast that has been her old standby since college days – it might come in handy for you:
Here’s to You and here’s to me
|"I love you, George." "I love this pipe!"|
Friends forever we will be!
And if we ever disagree…
|Yeah, like if you try to eat one of my 6 slices of daily toast!|
To H*LL with you and here’s to ME!