Wednesday, September 14, 2011

This Chick is Toast

Dear Helen Hartman,
   I have a big occasion coming up that calls for me to make a toast.  Am not ashamed to say this intimidates me.
                     Love some suggestions for what to do!

Dear Loved One,
Helen sympathizes with you. Ugh. I hate to be put in a situation to have to prepare something for a whole group of people. But don’t fret. As usual Helen has the answers.

Toast. It can be daunting. But let’s break it down. It’s bread, really.

V is for bread... and they accuse the younger generation of crazy spelling!

 Bread is our friend, right? In fact it’s such a good friend to children that in days past people literally stuffed children with it:

Yes, the toasting can be tricky.  Too dark, too light, how do you get it just right? Do not despair – help is on the way.

"That's right, dear, the best toast I ever tasted was at that tramp Teresa's house. You never know what will pop up over there but you know it will be good and hot. The toast, I mean.

What? YOU don’t own a recipe book to tell you how to make toast? Your poor, poor family. Forced to go out into the wilderness to forage for toast and toast-like substitutes with no one but grandpa as a guide.

"Grandpa, this doesn't look like toast!" "Aww, be quiet. You young whipersnappers and your fancy white bread in mechanical machine-ified bread cookery gadgets wouldn't know wild toast if it bit ya. As you can see, it bit me. Put up quite a fight, it did."

 As always, Helen to the rescue. She will share. Not her toast, are you out of your mind? No, some advice about making toast. I know it looks way too complicated for your dizzy little female brains and far too tempting to your manly mind to just poke the toaster with a fork – but don’t do it!

YEOOW! I put a fork in the toaster and it knocked my pants clean off! Also, it put these ballet slippers on my feet. Um, right, that's how it happened.

Stay calm. Perhaps you could start by cooling your brain someplace dark and cool - go to the fridge to get some butter, it isn’t the first time you’ve been told to stick your head where the sun doesn’t shine, is it?

AH-AH-AH - Behold the power of colorful aluminum to keep factory fresh butter in its natural stick like state!

 Now we are ready – here are the step by step instructions. Do not panic. I know, it gets difficult around step 3 – “Bite into it.” Even our model is hesitant.

What if this so-called 'toast' isn't everything it's hyped up to be? What if it IS? How will I ever go back to 6 slices of plain bread again?

So there you have it – once you have mastered the basics the book suggests you try more exotic things like putting cinnamon on your toast and even adding… what? A? Are you sure? It says make a toast? Oh, um… well, if you think Helen is going to go back and rewrite a whole post over a single word, then your brain is what’s toast, that’s all I’ve got to say.
But Helen isn’t unreasonable. Yet. She will leave you with the actual toast that has been her old standby since college days – it might come in handy for you: 

Here’s to You  and here’s to me

"I love you, George."     "I love this pipe!"

Friends forever we will be!
And if we ever disagree…

Yeah, like if you try to eat one of my 6 slices of daily toast!

 To H*LL with you and here’s to ME!



  1. Thanks, Helen! I'll never look at toast the same way again.

  2. The older I get, the more I like to streamline my activities. I eat bread straight from the wrapper and just pretend it's warm and buttered, and I skip the niceties and just say "Here's to me." It's all part of that "When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple" thing.

  3. Laughing with ya Karen and Dana - Dana, I can just imagine you doing that. Me. I just stick my finger in the butter and forget the bread.

  4. Ah, Helen...I can always count on you for my wake-up giggle!

  5. Six slices of bread a day, now that's what I call a diet:@)

  6. I was doing fine until the toaster caught on fire lol

  7. I decided my body craved yeast. I love bread. I actually stopped buying it so I would not eat so much.

  8. You've got me craving toast now. x

  9. Mmmmm toast! Wow 6 slices of bread! That sounds about right! :)

  10. Thanks y'all! I'd forgotten how much I liked toast until this - have banned my ugly toaster from the counter top. Being a kid of the 60s I do recall Mom putting butter on bread and putting sugar on it as a 'snack'. Am sure she thought it was nutritious!

  11. I was wondering when you were going to get to the TOAST! Thanks for a great laugh today, Helen, m'dear!


    I’ve nothing to give but my heart and head;
    No colors have I but yellow and red.

    Please take what I give as tokens of peace:
    And with these small gifts may your joy increase!

    © 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher

    Red Temple Altar

  12. What's toast without butter? and Jelly... just to add a few more yummy calories! Love all your cool retro pics! Thanks for linking up to Share the Love Wednesday!

  13. MMT - increasing joy is always the way to go! Thanks.

  14. Thanks Mary - I'm a a butter purist. Jelly tends to be too much. Or honey - toast and honey is pretty darned good.

  15. Dear Helen Hartman, I must say reading your post this morning with my cuppa was the perfect way to start my day. I just love your blog, and I am now your newest follower. Raising my coffee cup and "toasting to you".
    Ellen a.k.a. Hedda Hoppa

  16. I had to send this one to my hubby! He loves butter...and needs that butter dish! So much for LOW carb! lol Very fun've done it AGAIN! ♥

  17. That was absolutely adorable. Maybe I'll go eat a piece of bread now. If children need six pieces, surely us grown-ups need a whole loaf! I could just use the recipe I made up as a child...snack bread--take one piece of bread and pour on about two tablespoons of sugar. It's crunchy, chewy and sure to put you in a diabetic coma. Only a grandmother would let you get away with such a snack.

  18. Only you could find a red butter dish!!! It makes me feel all "toasty" inside!!!

  19. Kelly Mac - good point. We probably should be eating bread round the clock!

    Thanks Sherry - I don't even know where it came from, just one of those things I've had forever.


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