Monday, September 12, 2011

Stuck Together so just Stay Out of It.

Dear Helen Hartman,
A friend of mine is about to get married and while I can't say there is anything wrong with the guy,  he's just not up to her standards.  She is elegant and sparkling. He isn’t anything special, very practical and cheap to boot!  I don’t see how she got stuck on him.  It just doesn’t add up.
Love to tell her I don’t think they are a good match.  What would you do?

Dear Love-connection-ed Expert,
For this one Helen does not need to turn to the library of lost wisdom lying on her coffee table. She will turn to the real font of all really useful knowledge – Maxine, her own dear mama. 

What would you do without me? End up in a Guatemalan jail with an empty wallet  and a bad hairdo, that's what!
 Oh, c’mon look at how stylin’ she was -
How could she NOT have all the answers? She had this advice for me:
“There are three things you should always stay out of – direct sunlight, bars by the railroad tracks and other people’s marriages!"

Other people’s marriages?

You want MY advice about what makes a good match? You yapping about your marriage problems and me with my fingers in my ears humming 
"I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener".

I’d like to say it’s a moral high road but really, I’m just not that interested in people who aren't... well, ME.
And staying out of direct sunlight?   

I'm not saying sunlight would cause Helen to burst into flames, but considering how much gin she's soaked in over the years, why take the chance?
Helen only sunbathes fully covered… and when it’s raining.

About those bars by the railroad tracks? Um….

It was the 80s. That's all I've got by way of explanation for the hair and fashion choices. The 80s, people. Look it up, there were far worse things than this being done in the name of style.
That was Helen just over 20 years ago outside of this bar:

Frisco as in the Frisco Railroad Line. It really was a great place We even took Maxine there.

 Eh, two out of three isn’t bad, right? You know what else isn’t bad? Odd marriages.

So, I'm a highly disciplined military man with a hair trigger temper and you're a high-strung Hollywood type who doesn't like to get her hair messed up. As long as we both agree to shoot any family members who try to move in with us, I think we can make it work.
Another Maxine-ism: The only people who really know what is going on in a relationship are the two people in it. And even they can’t agree about it.

He says: "They say if you live with someone long enough you begin to look like them, so I avoided the wait and married someone who already looks like me."           She says:" Except for the mustache."       He says, "Right. when you don't wax, yours is much better than mine."
I’ve been doing a bit of matchmaking that sounds like your friend and her fianc√©. Pretty meets practical. Nothing special meets sparkle. And in this case cheap is a bonus!

Inexpensive glass candlesticks meet super cheap glassware for pedestal perfection!

Pink light shade and heavy glass candlestick form a lasting bond with the help of E-6000 and suddenly a fruit bowl is born!

All this started when I saw a new craze - sometimes called a Redneck Wineglass or a Hillybilly highball or... well, you get it.
Just what I needed as a giftie for this December when all my female family members are heading for Graceland to celebrate our first annual Chick’smas Holiday:

Am putting something sparkly in the candle holder part and a penny 2011 side up to create a memento of the event.

I think your friend's intended is not up to YOUR standards and while I'll admit that coming to Helen means you're a pretty sharp cookie... sharp cookies are often hard to swallow! 
Let me leave you with another Maxine-ism: 

The best marriages are not 50/50. The best marriages are 70/70, when both of you give a little more than you think is your share.

Helen thinks that's true of all relationships. Give a little more than your 'fair' share in all your relationships today - and if you find that a bit difficult to manage with grace and good humor, marry an old fruit jar to a candlestick and pour yourself some instant goodwill. Mine will be Peach Nehi. Honest.

Joining: Making the World Cuter
Mad in Crafts
and Keep It Simple Motivate Me Monday
Thrift Share Monday at Apron Thrift Girl

Anything Goes at Type A
and later: Wow Us Wednesday
(at some point I need to just add these permanently but I remember perms as a kid and they scare me!)  


  1. Sharp cookies taste better after they have been dunked in a cold glass of milk.

  2. I just saw those candlestick/ball jars for sale yesterday at Rural King!

  3. Love the idea of your Chick'smas Holiday! Maxine sounds like one smart lady:@)

  4. The Redneck Wineglass is a hoot! I'm going to make a whole set for a friend of mine.

  5. Have to totally agree on the wine glasses. I want a set for myself!!! (tacky plastic holly E-6000'd around the stems would be just THE touch on the Christmas dinner table with my fake Lenox holiday dinnerware). Oh God I think I'm SERIOUS! Haha!) Great advise all around. Where were you when I really needed you?!

  6. Hillybilly highball!! hehe. Loving your 80s pic too :o) Scarlett x

  7. I have several extended family members who might receive your redneck wine glasses for Christmas. Brilliant post, once again!

  8. Thanks y'all - loved that glass the second I saw it and since we have an Elvis connection going - meeting in Memphis at a hotel with a heart-shaped swimming pool it seemed right to drink our liquor from an old fruit jar!

  9. love your repurposed (sounds more green ya know!) glasses & bowls - you are too funny....and we like that "chick"mas bit...sounds like these sisters need to get a tradition started!

  10. Kitchen Girls - because of the way things worked we decided to pass on a big family Christmas this year so we girls decided to do a shopping and gabbing trip instead so Chick'smas was born!

  11. You were one hot babe in the 1980s. x

  12. Thanks Vix - reminds me of the quote from Steel Magnolias - Time marches on and eventually you realize it's marching across your face.
    Not a vain sort but it's tough to see the sags and bags. Ah well, I have wine.

  13. thanks for sharing this at my party!! it totally made my morning, still laughing, even a little out loud!

  14. Thanks Tammy - love your Anything Goes party!

  15. Insta-comports, easy and an individual gift. Go Helen. Sorry to tell you but my 80s photos are MUCH worse than yours!

  16. " and even they can't agree on it"!! LOL!


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