Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ahh, Celebrities. Is there ANYTHING they can't do?

Dear Helen Hartman,
  This past week I needed a few things for myself and my lovely home, both of which, I assure you, are the envy of my whole neighborhood. Of course I would never settle for anything less than the very best but I am not sure how to be confident that I am getting that. 
Love to know how on Earth I can always get what I deserve in life.

Dear Loved One,
   Well, first you ask Helen.  I assure you, she is more than happy to tell people what they deserve! 

You better believe I went all Three Stooges on his ass. Just like this, right in the eyes. That boy scout will think twice before he calls me 'Ma'am' again.
 As to how on Earth you can get the best of the best? Why would you, with such a lofty status, limit yourself? Why not set your sights higher – to the very stars!

How could I not? My astrologer told me there was a bad moon rising in my house and sure enough, when I got home there was my husband with the curtains thrown open and his pants down serving up a pressed ham to the neighborhood.

No, not the horoscope. We’ve always counted on the real stars to guide us…

Dale Robertson, the president of Untied Airlines AND a pretty stewardess want me to smoke? Where's my lighter? BTW how does one sound off for mildness? Mildly, I assume. Well, you lost me there. Mild with no unpleasant after-taste? What's the point?

 It started with product endorsements.

Oh, Eve Arden, was there anything you wouldn't put your name on? Of course, it is FUN to wake up to a radio clock, but not as much fun as waking up to a Chippendale Dancer with a martin on a silver tray.
 And maybe a little recipe here and there

Yes, I DO believe Gene Tierney has a recipe for Tuna Salad Royal, I just don't believe she would actually share it with mere mortals. I suspect she left something out - like having a chef make it... 'on the Riviera'... from something other than canned tuna

And in time even moved on political involvement and to lifestyle advice.

If only I'd listened to those celebrities and gotten a real stripper pole instead of this sad home made one! Maybe then the menfolks would pay attention to ME.
 People couldn’t help it. It was like some crazy power came over them. 

I'm so grateful to have Kukla, Fran and Ollie telling me what to do so I don't have to rely on my family, my friends and my own taste and conscience anymore (what a bunch of nobodies!)
 They just had to do as they were told.  

If Joan Crawford had endorsed wash powder? "You heard the advertisement, wash the sink 97 more times."   
 But these days celebs are no longer content to simply advise us. Now they actually design, create and oversee quality control and distribution of the things we poor mortals need to brighten our otherwise dull lives.
According to the stories told on talk shows they are designers of everything from perfume to pet food. 

I dress like my canary to help me understand what it wants then I experiment with recipes... none of which come from Gene Tierney, she always leaves out the secret ingredients so it never tastes the same. Tuna stuffed tomato my foot.
 Former models are now identifying themselves as Chief Window Designers.

Found on the World's Longest Yard Sale. Probably not a celeb created window design. Window Designer? REALLY? What does that entail? Beyond framework and glass what is there to 'design' and how did a model come by this skill?

And authors. 

When they said a ghostwriter would do all the work, I told them with all the dead writers out there they'd better get me the ghost of a good one. I'm no dummy.

And clothing designers.

Paper Doll heaven! Maybe if Annie Okley designed clothes - I'd wear 'em.
 


But the man in my life might not feel the same way. (I think he'd look darling in this, of course!)


So with all these experts all around you, why ask Helen how to find what you deserve? Ask any celebrity pushing a product… you KNOW you can trust them to get just what you deserve!


22 comments:

  1. Hello Helen:
    But, dearest Helen, you are a celebrity!! Where would we poor mortal bloggers be without your Blogorific advice? For our own part we look to you for guidance on all matters domestic, emotional and cultural. Without you we should be bereft and aimless and should never have discovered the Giant Martini!! Cheers!!

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  2. i need this! what a nice way to get my day started, laughing!!! xx

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  3. Oh my, that Asylum For The Insane sign is so my life at the moment. xxx

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  4. I SWEAR, Sweetpea! I do believe I have that VERY recipe somewhere---though Miss T. would be horrified that we cut OUR tomatoes for stuffing into quarters, with a tee-ninecy bit still stuck together at the bottom.

    A stuffed tomato with Tunafish Salad has been a mainstay of Southern garden-club and bridge afternoons for sixty years---at least until calories were invented, and now nobody eats anyway.

    And the stuff they're putting in Martinis nowadays!! They're hussied up like Santino's underwear, with colors and syrups and little carved fruit gee-gaws (if you're lucky. Those anchovy-stuffed olives have NO place in a clear glass).

    Whoosh. All better now. Thank you---you're always refreshing, your ownself.

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  5. I love your western paperdolls! :-) And I think I need that Insane Asylum sign for my house!

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  6. OMG, you crack me up! :-)

    You've been awarded!
    http://www.flab-to-fab.com/2011/10/versatile-blogger-award.html

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  7. Thanks Jane and Lance - well, life would lack a certain spark without the giant martini, I'll grant you that!

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  8. Thanks for visiting Tammy and Vix - my own life is a bit rushed and can't go out blog visiting until I get a NAP! I wonder if a start can design me a clock with more hours?

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  9. Rachel - you crack me up, girl. I agree with the over done martini - less is more. In face, I skip the olive, the vermouth, even the glass - glug glug glug. Ahhh simplicity.

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  10. Thanks Coco - not even sure what one does with an award but I'm game and honored.

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  11. I could do without the Chippendale dancer in the morning (I'm 53-years-old...what am I gonna do with him?), but bring on the martinis!!!!!

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  12. *Amen* to the chippendale dancer!

    *BAHAHAH* I want to put that Asylum for the Insane sign in my front window!
    I wonder what the pizza guy would think...

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  13. OK, I admit it. I'm the reader with the dark sense of humor. It was the Joan Crawford thing that made me guffaw. That was too funny!

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  14. Lovin' the Asylum sign, it would fit right in here at Casa de CooCoo:@)

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  15. Thanks y'all! It doesn't hurt to look at something nice while one downs one's morning martini.

    Coconut - I think the pizza guy would think - hey I'm in the right place!

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  16. Dana - I almost didn't put the Joan Crawford bit in, but they had on matching dresses.

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  17. I'm back after a break and straight to your page! Yeah ask the celebrities....they're pushing anything and everything here in my country...LOL

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  18. Welcome back Khushi! I just read in an industry newsletter that Snooki got a deal to 'write' 2 more books - no wonder book stores are closing!

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  19. ;-)) I have to say i never read about the celebrities these days i refuse to buy magazines when its never any truth. Give me back real celebrities the older generation ones and then i will take note and advice about life and products etc ;-)) great post, dee x

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  20. Such a fun post, as always! Thanks for linking up to Share the Love Wednesday. Mary
    Mary

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  21. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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