Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Deck the Decorator!

Dear Helen Hartman,
I’ve been putting up, adding to, fiddling with Christmas decorations nonstop since the day after Thanksgiving. Today my husband took our bulldog – dressed in reindeer a suit made from an old fur coat and candy canes taped to its head for antlers  - out of my hands and told me: “ ENOUGH!”
I am beginning to think I am the only one around this place with any Christmas spirit. Love to know when to stop decking the halls.

Dear Loved One,
If you’ve taped candy canes to you dog, it’s time to stop. I mean, really, they are candy canes! Think! You can lick them and they get sticky and dogs have fur, so... You’re welcome.  

Donut the brown nosed reindog!

You have definitely overshot the runway on this. You need something to light your way.

AHH-Ahh-AHHH…(Imagine a heavenly host singing) 

Behold the power of a light kit and a basic ceramic class!
That's it. Helen is out of ideas. Luckily, she's not out of references!
 1958. 10 cents. These days it might cost you twice that for this kind of Christmas insight.

 Maybe you should look at decoration for Christmas the way you accessorize an outfit.  

Merry people? Is that a code word for drunk people? In retrospect Sam wondered if it was smart to have told Shelia she could lop the top off the Christmas tree and wear it to the party for all he cared.
 Okay, maybe the way OTHER people accessorize. Walk away, turn around fast and take away the first thing that catches your eye. Or just start de-decorating HERE: 

What, the Santa holding his nose was sold out? Sure to draw comments, if you don't mind people saying, "How often do you think they wash that thing?"
  Yeah, that has to go (preferably before your guests have to go!)

Once you’ve stopped spending your every waking hour decorating you can move on to other holiday activities
Like making cookies.

Get it RIGHT, Darlene, or you'll end up flattened and decorating the walls with the other screw ups!

Or making a treasure.

Sadly these stockings will one day become fodder for the psych couch later. Poor Jane, forced to be 9 forever to substantiate her mom's claim of never being over 30.  And how could anyone refute Chris's concern that he was the less loved child? Look at the size of his stocking and while Bobby gets a horse and sneakers, Chris is haunted by images of a shaved teddy bear and a ghost snowman.

Or a family member cry.

Jane: Isn't it funny how Chris still thinks there's something for him in there?
 If you can do those, then you know the season is well under way!

Happy Rednesday!

Next post will be from the road as once again daughter and I leave the men at home (their assignment - put up the lights outside - am dubious (see today's memory) and head out for an adventure. Meeting my girl cousins for the first annual celebration of Chick'smas! Girls, gab, and goodwill toward malls!

Memory circa 1995 (read or not, no pressure)- or why I don't expect much with hubby in charge of the outdoor display 

The first ever house we actually OWNED. Big Deal to us. A wonderful neighborhood, jam packed with friends all with kids the same age as ours. So we HAD to do lights, not just a few things thrown over the bushes, but an actual light display. On the roof.
Hubby reluctantly agreed. Out came the sketch pad. The house was to be lined with colored lights and then a tree of lights stretched from the roof to the yard. We agreed we'd save Sunday afternoon for the project.

Ladder (check) Lights (check) Local TV Football times (Not checked!) at least not until hubby was on the roof and some 'friend' yelled out: "You should be watching this Bengals game - it's awesome."

Hubby exited the roof instantly - no he didn't jump or fall, though you wouldn't know that to look at the display which he left with 3 feet of lights tacked up across the 6 ft porch, the rest literally left dangling. He said he'd finish after the game. You know it was too dark after the game. No matter, all the better for me to go out and plug in the pathetic display. Which I did every night for the next week until he FINALLY finished it.  (I didn't mind all that much because I knew it would be a great story... one day)
Any other lighting disasters out there?


  1. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who tortures animals with festive garb. Your images are just awesome. I don't have light stories for Christmas but we regularly blow fuses at Halloween with our light displays.

  2. You'll probably call me a Scrooge, but I am a notorious no-light-putter-upper. Always have been. I used to decorate the inside of the house to the hilt with a funky tree in every room, but I don't even do that anymore. Over the years, I've cut down my decorating to a 2-foot aluminum tree on the credenza and a couple of Christmas candles on the mantel, if I get around to it. Man, it's an easy clean-up after the holidays! I have a feeling I'm going to have to raise the bar considerably next year, because by then the grandsons will be old enough to expect a big production!

  3. Oh what a fun post! I love that "lopping off the top of the tree" hat!!
    I've given up on the outside lights, saves me a lot of stress to just not think about them! Outside, we're Grinchy.... inside is a different matter entirely!!

  4. Great red presentation with so many different things.

  5. Kim K - I can imagine with your Halloween displays!

  6. Dana - I am so with you on the clean up deal. My decor is decidedly based on how quickly it can be put away.

  7. Sarah - Right now we're outwardly Grinchy too.

    LV _ Happy Rednesday!

  8. I was fussing and carrying on so, trying to work on a "special project" (meaning: cursing) when I decided to stop and catch up on emails. Your post had me rolling in the floor....too funny...vintage Martha Stewart. Thank you for the wonderful break.

    Yes, I do have a story. I refused to put up colored lights when the children were small (or big) on the outside of the house (not to be a total grinch...We did have a Christmas tree with colorful lights inside). A good many of our neighbors, being from up Nawth, loved the colorful big gawdy lights, and my kids thought they were the most wonderful thing ever. One Christmas, when they were teenagers, Bobby G. and I had spent the entire day out Christmas shopping, only to return home after dark, and find hundreds of colorful lights thrown up on the roof, every bush and tree in sight and up and down the front lawn. They finally got their wish. I fell down in the yard laughing....left 'em up for two days, and them tore them down. LOL...someday remind me to tell you about the balloons. xoxo Lynn@thevintagenest

  9. The other day I spent a good 4-5 hrs decorating. I am NOT DONE YET... The rest will happen this evening as I have it stamped in my brain that the house needs to be done by Dec 1 Which really is just HOURS AWAY.
    I need to make a quick trip to a couple thrifts to get to orange christmas bulbs for the vintage electric candles I purchased last week. And I secretly hope to stumble over a lovely bunch of vintage christmas items.... but I woun't get my hopes up. I will buy some old Christmas stuff this spring and Summer at yard sales.

    I lol'ed at the light story!!
    The only story I have is that my parents once waited to take down their lights all the way up till AUGUST!! You would think if you left them up that long... You would leave them up for the next 3 months to celebrate all over again.


  10. Funny, funny, funny!!!!!! You are such a hoot! I can always count on you for a good, hearty belly laugh. Have a great week!

  11. Bless your husband ;-)) I think you go more to town so to speak then we do over here. Although there a few people who decorate the outside of their homes to but its not everyone. Donut looks so cute ahhhhh ;-)) I would love to have a look through that Family circle. Have a great trip, dee x

  12. Gotta love the Brown Nosed Reindog! (Actually, I may have worked with one or two of them:@)

  13. LOVE the story, Lynn! That must have been one welcome home to see all that.

  14. Coconut - hope you find that bulb and some extra vintage goodies to go with it! I agree, once you pass July you're not late taking lights down, you're early putting them up!

  15. Thanks Alycia and Dee! Dee - people do go a bit, um, Yule Happy with lights and displays.

    LOL and Donut thanks you for the compliment.

  16. Oh, you are so hilarious! I'm waiting to see if Darlene gets it right or her "creations" end up on the wall with the other screw-ups. Hahahaha!

    Thank you SO MUCH for giving me a good belly laugh at the end of a rather dreary day!


    A day without scarlet, they say,
    Can color the soul ashen-grey;
    For if there’s no red,
    The soul feels half-dead,
    And has no incentive to play.

    © 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher

    Red blossoms here, red buds here

  17. As always, I love your poem. We all need an incentive to play! Alas, poor Darlene couldn't help goofin' off - you know how she is - so it was the wall for her.

  18. Hi Helen,
    Just dropped by to see what you're doing! I LOVE THIS BLOg!!!

  19. I need a pre-op distraction, and knew this would be the right place. ...hey, you get lights?

  20. I knew there was something I'd missed off my crimbo list....a christmas toilet seat cover! I can sleep easy now tonight - thanks chickadee ;o) Mwah Scarlett x

  21. Hope you are having fun on your trip!

  22. Mom Wald - Get lights? I prefer to get lit!

  23. Scarlett - maybe you can Make one!

    Thanks Karen!


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