Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Helen Makes List. Does Not Check it Twice.


Dear Helen Hartman,
Christmas is fast approaching and I am still not ready. One thing troubles me especially - Is it too late to get off the Naughty List and onto the Nice One? If not then how do I make the leap? I think if anyone would know it would be you.

Dear Loved… wait did you just tell Helen to take a leap?
And why would you assume Helen knows how to get off the Naughty List? I actually spend most of my time trying to stay ON it.

All I want for Christmas is to wipe that Halo right off your head, sweetie!

This is difficult for moi as Helen is naturally an angel here on earth.

A showcase of vintage angels that watch (and learn) in my household this season

But for other, not-so-heavenly creatures I suppose there are some things you can do. For you, Helen will make her own lists. 

Welcome to Helen Hartman’s Naughty V Nice.

Christmas Eats
Nice: Leaving a healthy snack for Santa

And think, kids, if he drops that peel and slips on it - Wham! You've got the jolly old elf all to yourself!
 
Naughty: Frosting canned cranberry sauce.

It's WRONG, people and putting jellied candy on top does not change that.


Christmas Traditions

Nice: Dressing your kid up and sending them off to spread Christmas cheer.

While Shepherds washed their sheets by night...


Naughty: Dressing your kid up and sending her off to spread ugly rumors.

Remember how we rehearsed it. When Daddy introduces you to his new girlfriend call her by the wrong name and then say "Daddy has so many girls around since he left Mommy I can't keep your names straight!"


Christmas Crafts

Nice: Repurposing fabric scraps and spray painted dish soap containers


Naughty (or should I say knotty?): Macrame Snowflakes

Just say No to Rope
Christmas Around the house:

Nice: Working together

Oh, sweetie, no one will spot those pit stains and think you're blind not to have noticed them. They'll all be looking at me and thinking I'm blind to have married YOU.
Nicer:Playing together

Hurry up with them sandwiches, Ma. We still have time for some red hot lovin' before the guests get here.


Nicest (aka Naughty): Plotting together

First we'll regift those frightful macrame snowflakes that tacky Theresa gave us to the Mortens. Then you make like Santa at the family party - stick candy in their sock and fly. I'll fake a bad case of mistletoe then swing by the liquor store and we'll be home lit up like Rudolph's nose by nightfall.
Best of luck making the shift from Naughty to Nice. Please, do it soon, time is running out and Helen would like as many people as possible to make the move - that will leave more room for me. After all nice people get nice gifts, naughty people get... whatever they want!
Jewels? For me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Oh, yeah, I remember and you're welcome!

22 comments:

  1. How do you think of such amazing clever sayings? Oh yeah...you're on the naughty list!! LOVE this post. Especially the swanky Christmas crafts.

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  2. Hello Helen:
    Never, never, even in your wildest moment, make the leap from Naughty to Nice. We, and all of your friends and followers, would be bereft without that wonderful, caustic, tongue in cheek, let's not put you down [but we will if we have to], refreshingly original and very funny wit and humour. And we, for two, could not live without seeing all your superb images, not seen here since one of our mothers subscribed to the then so modern McCall's magazine in the years immediately after the war.

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  3. KIm K - thought you'd like those crafy ideas. Spray pain covers a multitude of sins. Wonder if they make it for faces?

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  4. Jane and Lance - Life certainly is easier once I learned to love the naughty list! Thanks for the encouragement to be my own bad self.

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  5. Like you, I've always thought that nice was highly overrated. I love the one about dressing your kid up and sending her off to spread ugly rumors. Oh, if I'd only read this post 25 years ago! ;)

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  6. Dana - gossip is the new Christmas cheer!

    Mom Walds - so you're a fellow naughty lister, eh?

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  7. While shepherds washed their sheets by night....
    That is just too hysterical! And the macrame -- always naughty!!

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  8. Frosted canned cranberry sauce... um... I'm speechless.
    Enjoy your bling:@)

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  9. This is fantastic! I am on the naughty list too. It is more fun on that side ;).

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  10. Okay, I started snorting at "Daddy has so many girls around since he left Mommy I can't keep your names straight!", but I lost it at "They'll all be looking at me and thinking I'm blind to have married YOU."

    Jeez Helen - how did you get to be married and still be snarky? I never accomplished even getting married!

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  11. Thank you, I needed that today! So much fun!

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  12. Thanks Sarah - macrame... what were people thinking?

    And dying that frosting pale green? Who thought people would look at that and say "YUM!"

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  13. Betty - naughty women live longer. I don't know that, I am just going to start believing it.

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  14. Barbara - I found a guy who makes me laugh and ignores the snark. It was my only hope.

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  15. You're welcome Sally - and thanks for stopping by!

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  16. Hilarious, my dear, absolutely hilarious! I had to walk away for a while and do some chores, and when I came back I started laughing all over again! The high point of my day!
    SOMETHING RED

    Something cherry, something blue,
    Something scarlet just for you;
    Something blazing as the sun,
    Something red when day is done.


    © 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher

    Desert reds here and here

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  17. Oh my goodness that painted dish soap Rudolf is... well... kinda cute, in a vintage-60's-Goldfinger kind of way!

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  18. Thanks for a much needed chuckle!

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  19. Thanks ya'll!
    MMT another great poem.

    Dawn - it's really no contest, right?

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  20. I felt the same way about the reindeer - totally did not want to like it, but how can you NOT?

    Welcome, Suzy!

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