Monday, December 19, 2011

Men! (That's all I need to say, isn't it?)

Dear Helen Hartman,
Ask a woman what she wants and she'll print out an alphabetical list. Heck, DON’T ask her and she’ll leave sale circulars lying around with the things she wants circled in red. Ask a man and he'll say, "I don't need anything."
That would be a great answer if it really meant "don't buy me anything this year -- your ongoing love is all I need" instead of "I don't want to appear to have any preferences because that wouldn't be manly, but you'd better get me something I really want or I'll know you don't care as much about me as you do the kids or your Aunt Nancy."
What I’d really love to know is: why does it have to be so hard to buy a present for a man?

Dear Loved One,
You might as well ask why it’s so hard to dress your cat like a tiny Christmas servant to greet your guests. 

When my kind takes over, you will pay for this. Until then, no couch in your tacky little house is safe.

It’s difficult because cats believe they are the superior species and one day they will rise up and rule. Men tried that. It didn't work so well for them.

Keep me in the kitchen will he? Well, I wonder how he'll feel about that when I lock him out of the bedroom? thought Karen as she carefully cleaned each dish then spit on the ones she set aside just for her hubby Stanley.
Helen does not want to be a man basher. Well, just the one. 

She: One more time, this is the kettle. This is the instant coffee...  He: This is my cup, keep it filled, will ya?

NO, not THAT one. 
One day you will turn your back on me, oh man in the electronics department who ignores me when I come in to buy stuff and then… Wham! A 25 inch LED television right over the head.

And then when the salesman ignored Mommy the second time, she grabbed him right like this and twisted like that and then...
I don’t believe men think they are superior to women… I mean, how could they?

Honey, can you come cut me free from the Christmas package... again? (and you thought the image of the dopey Dad was a new invention - images today from Saturday Evening Posts Dec '50 & '59)
But when it comes to trying to buy gifts for the darlings? (Men, not cats. If you need advice to buy a gift for your cat, Helen can’t help you!)  They do make things difficult – and they always have.

You saved all year to buy me this classy watch? Luckily it says here I can return it... do you remember if the store had any of those "Forever Lazy" things?
 Of course, women have always found ways around them...

Just lie back and relax dear. Don't worry about sending the cards, buying the gifts, decorating the house, cooking for holiday parties. I have everything under control... now that I have your power of attorney.

I suppose when buying for me one can always consider the saying – the only difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys.

A dive bar on New Years Eve?
But if you don’t want to spend that much on a gift you aren’t sure will be perfect, why not take a look at the kinds of gifts men give to women for inspiration?

And that electric roaster is the perfect thing for putting some heat under your Christmas turkey - but first you'll have to get him out of his recliner.
A whole carton of ciggies? That's too much! Oh, you meant for me to take a pack and pass it on? How did I get to be such a lucky, lucky wife?
Inspired yet? Then stick to something everyone can enjoy.
I don't even know what Sputnuts are but look at how much fun they inspire - grab your Spudnuts, do-si-do!
Hoping your week is full of holiday cheer, or just regular cheer, or as Helen calls it…

GIN.  (You must get the recipe from Gordon, dear!)
Whatever works. Later this week Helen will be tackling Santa…

That’s not Santa, that’s another man who ignored me at the car dealership. He won’t do that again (esp since Helen has been invited NEVER to go to that place again). 


  1. Hello Helen:
    A wonderful, irreverent look at men at Christmas which, sadly, contains so many truthful elements!

  2. HI! A lot of information in here is the truth. They can be so difficult. Hope you have a wonderful day! Winona

  3. love seeing the old advertising. and how true!

  4. Jane and Lance - some men are easier to buy for than others. Unfortunately I am related to the 'others'.

  5. Thanks Winona - love your salute to LUCY on your blog.

    Ann - truth in advertising! Who knew?

  6. oh...funny! how to be an idle THAT's a keepers :) You had us curious about will show you where in your state you can get some ~ lol! We even found a recipe, we just might have to give it a whirl...'cause they look like you have so much fun :)
    Have a great week Annie!

  7. Spudnuts...Who knew? I went to the site and found that there are some shops in Texas. I may have to find an excuse to go to Amarillo. It's only 350 miles and 6 hours away!

  8. Wow, you just reminded me that there is a man on my list that I've been putting off buying for. GROAN.

  9. WOW - who knew Spudnuts were such a big deal in California? Thanks for the website. Potato donuts the perfect gift for the man who has everything, except taste buds.

  10. Dana - report back if you try them!

    Eartha - good luck with that!

  11. But, BUT!! you only had one exclamation point behind MEN!!!!!

    Merry Christmas
    TTFN ~

  12. Back in the day, when men had it good. My husband always tells me not to get him anything...I might just do that this year... I should pay him back for those pots and pans he bought at Dollar General a couple of years ago...then the next year, he tried to make it up to me and spent hundreds of dollars on some chintzy jewelry...I hated it. I cried. I told him if I had known he was going to spend that much on me, I would have told him what to buy. It was HORRIBLE... MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. I want one of those electric roasters. (It looks awsome.)

  14. Marydon - my mistake!!! Probably because it was early in the day and I hadn't had to interact with one yet.

  15. Gwen - I do believe you've found the correct amount of exclamation points!

  16. My Mom had that roaster... she dragged it out once a year for Thanksgiving. That was like the sign of the holidays coming.

  17. My husband and I have eliminated the age old problem of what to buy a man when he says he doesn't want anything and what to buy a woman when she wants everything. (Everything EXCEPT a roaster, a toaster, a dicer, a slicer, or anything else that is "useful"!) We simply don't buy each other gifts! :-) Great post again! You really have a way of putting it all into perspective!

  18. Thanks Alycia - my husband and I do the 'no gifts this year' every year. He knows better than to actually try it, though (men aren't the only ones who cause these problems, you know.)

  19. I'll have a Spudnut with a chaser-thanks for the Christmas cheer:@)

  20. Love it. I bought my husband a coffee pot. I wanted it and he said he didn't need anything. He is lucky I didn't buy him a pair of frye boots =).

  21. Brilliant. Everything about this post screams what I've been feeling the last few days. Having an extra house guest around the holidays has been "interesting". My to-do list has suddenly gotten a bit longer while the men find ways to stay entertained. Cheers!

  22. Hmm, do I detect a wee bit of bitterness?

  23. I think Spudnuts might be what your eat AFTER a few gins.

  24. Betty - you are a clever girl!

    Kim K - Think they are taking that idle idol thing a bit too seriously?

  25. Mom Walds... there is a fine line between bitterness and wisdom where dealing with others is concerned! ;)

  26. ;-))) Im saying nothing on this post ;-)) Except have a wonderful christmas and a very happy new year. Thank you for all your lovely comments, dee xx

  27. Really glad my husband's name isn't Stanley. Unless of course, I had power of attorney...

    Oh, btw, saw Spudnuts on sale at Kroger today. They are on the cereal aisle right between the Sugar Hoops and the Captain Shrapnel. (The latter is the nickname hubby and kids gave the other Captain cereal.)

  28. Helen, you're a nut! I just found out what a Forever Lazy was and had to crack up when I read that :) Thanks for the lovely Christmas cheer this morning!

  29. LOL Dee!

    Karen - REALLY? I know what someone in my family is getting this year!

  30. I love this, I posted in on our facebook page!


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