Ask a woman what she wants and she'll print out an alphabetical list. Heck, DON’T ask her and she’ll leave sale circulars lying around with the things she wants circled in red. Ask a man and he'll say, "I don't need anything."
That would be a great answer if it really meant "don't buy me anything this year -- your ongoing love is all I need" instead of "I don't want to appear to have any preferences because that wouldn't be manly, but you'd better get me something I really want or I'll know you don't care as much about me as you do the kids or your Aunt Nancy."
What I’d really love to know is: why does it have to be so hard to buy a present for a man?
Dear Loved One,
You might as well ask why it’s so hard to dress your cat like a tiny Christmas servant to greet your guests.
|When my kind takes over, you will pay for this. Until then, no couch in your tacky little house is safe.|
It’s difficult because cats believe they are the superior species and one day they will rise up and rule. Men tried that. It didn't work so well for them.
|Keep me in the kitchen will he? Well, I wonder how he'll feel about that when I lock him out of the bedroom? thought Karen as she carefully cleaned each dish then spit on the ones she set aside just for her hubby Stanley.|
Helen does not want to be a man basher. Well, just the one.
|She: One more time, this is the kettle. This is the instant coffee... He: This is my cup, keep it filled, will ya?|
NO, not THAT one.
One day you will turn your back on me, oh man in the electronics department who ignores me when I come in to buy stuff and then… Wham! A 25 inch LED television right over the head.
|And then when the salesman ignored Mommy the second time, she grabbed him right like this and twisted like that and then...|
I don’t believe men think they are superior to women… I mean, how could they?
|Honey, can you come cut me free from the Christmas package... again? (and you thought the image of the dopey Dad was a new invention - images today from Saturday Evening Posts Dec '50 & '59)|
But when it comes to trying to buy gifts for the darlings? (Men, not cats. If you need advice to buy a gift for your cat, Helen can’t help you!) They do make things difficult – and they always have.
|You saved all year to buy me this classy watch? Luckily it says here I can return it... do you remember if the store had any of those "Forever Lazy" things?|
Of course, women have always found ways around them...
|Just lie back and relax dear. Don't worry about sending the cards, buying the gifts, decorating the house, cooking for holiday parties. I have everything under control... now that I have your power of attorney.|
I suppose when buying for me one can always consider the saying – the only difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys.
|A dive bar on New Years Eve?|
|And that electric roaster is the perfect thing for putting some heat under your Christmas turkey - but first you'll have to get him out of his recliner.|
|A whole carton of ciggies? That's too much! Oh, you meant for me to take a pack and pass it on? How did I get to be such a lucky, lucky wife?|
Inspired yet? Then stick to something everyone can enjoy.
|I don't even know what Sputnuts are but look at how much fun they inspire - grab your Spudnuts, do-si-do!|
Hoping your week is full of holiday cheer, or just regular cheer, or as Helen calls it…
|GIN. (You must get the recipe from Gordon, dear!)|
Whatever works. Later this week Helen will be tackling Santa…
That’s not Santa, that’s another man who ignored me at the car dealership. He won’t do that again (esp since Helen has been invited NEVER to go to that place again).