Help! My husband's wardrobe is outdated and boring. Red, white and fur everywhere. He could use a new hairstyle, and I've tried to tell him that the only facial hair really in vogue is that scruffy Brad Pitt look. Frankly, he has also let himself go in the physique dept. He just puts on more and more weight each year. His belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly every time he laughs. I love him, Helen, but how can I tenderly but firmly let him know he needs a new look?
Dear Loved One,
Wait for a quiet moment in the midst of the Christmas hustle and bustle, climb into his lap, whisk the hat from his head, lean in close, put your lips near his ear... and shout "No more Mrs. Nice Guy, Fatboy!"
|This year Mrs. S will be giving the gift of canned whoop a$$ (note: empty whoop a$$ can unsuitable for use Christmas craft projects)|
|Up on the rooftop... somebody is going to have to pay to replace all the shingles and bricks you tore up by exceeding weight limits, Big Guy.|
|First, is one of those gifts a single bowling pin? Second, what the heck is Santa doing here? Napping? Posing? Rolling around making Mmmmmm sounds because he likes the carpet so much? He just went from St Nick to St ICK in Helen's book.|
|That's right kids. Santa can be bribed. Keep those Cokes comin' and maybe you'll get the rest of those bowling pins next year!|
|The ol' "Let Father Sugar Daddy... I mean Father Christmas get that for you, my dear" convenient chimney drop|
|And am I ever enjoying the ride....wheeeeeeeee!|
|We're laughing because we all just poo-ed in our pants! Thanks, Mom!|
|Oh, fine. Get my whip.|
|Mama Claus can imagine a few changes SHE'd like to make...|
|My own Santa Clauses Lonely Hearts Club - a small collection of Santas sans mates, usually a salt or pepper|
|Many fine points - yes, the ad was talking about the deer's antlers. The way a Hunter would. Maybe the reindeer need their own support group... and a restraining order.|
|My new find - yes, if you pull a hidden string his arms and legs -- and eyes -- move. Why did the Santa craze always have to take it one step over the creepy line?|
|Oh, Santa Baby!|
But could you wait until after the 24th? Helen has a rather extensive Christmas list and she doesn't want anything to go amiss with it.
|Is that even legal? Where am I ever going to find that much gin? A vintage WHAT?|
She's wishing you all get everything you ask for... Merry Christmas!