Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Merry Make Over!

Dear Helen Hartman,
Help! My husband's wardrobe is outdated and boring. Red, white and fur everywhere. He could use a new hairstyle, and I've tried to tell him that the only facial hair really in vogue is that scruffy Brad Pitt look. Frankly, he has also let himself go in the physique dept. He just puts on more and more weight each year. His belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly every time he laughs. I love him, Helen, but how can I tenderly but firmly let him know he needs a new look?

Dear Loved One,
Wait for a quiet moment in the midst of the Christmas hustle and bustle, climb into his lap, whisk the hat from his head, lean in close, put your lips near his ear... and shout "No more Mrs. Nice Guy, Fatboy!"

This year Mrs. S will be giving the gift of canned whoop a$$ (note: empty whoop a$$ can unsuitable for use Christmas craft projects)
If Helen was married to Santa she'd have shaped him up a long time ago. I mean, look at him, he can hardly fit down the chimney!

Up on the rooftop... somebody is going to have to pay to replace all the shingles and bricks you tore up by exceeding weight limits, Big Guy.
And it's not just health concerns about the extra pounds, I mean have you gotten an eyeful of what he gets up to once he does get down there?

First, is one of those gifts a single bowling pin? Second, what the heck is Santa doing here? Napping? Posing? Rolling around making Mmmmmm sounds because he likes the carpet so much? He just went from St Nick to St ICK in Helen's book.

That's right kids. Santa can be bribed. Keep those Cokes comin' and maybe you'll get the rest of those bowling pins next year!

The ol' "Let Father Sugar Daddy... I mean Father Christmas get that for you, my dear" convenient chimney drop
 Let's face it, Mrs. Claus, the Mr. has gone to...

And am I ever enjoying the ride....wheeeeeeeee!
What he needs isn't tenderness it's...

We're laughing because we all just poo-ed in our pants! Thanks, Mom!
I was going to say tough love.

Oh, fine. Get my whip.
Not THAT kind. Just be honest with him. You're going to be making New Year's Resolutions anyway, just nudge him along towards making a few - okay, a few dozen - changes.

Mama Claus can imagine a few changes SHE'd like to make...
Encourage him to join a support group.

My own Santa Clauses Lonely Hearts Club - a small collection of Santas sans mates, usually a salt or pepper
Get the reindeer in on it too if you have to.

Many fine points - yes, the ad was talking about the deer's antlers. The way a Hunter would. Maybe the reindeer need their own support group... and a restraining order.
 It's for his own good. With your help he can go from this:

My new find - yes, if you pull a hidden string his arms and legs -- and eyes -- move. Why did the Santa craze always have to take it one step over the creepy line?

To this:

Oh, Santa Baby!

But could you wait until after the 24th? Helen has a rather extensive Christmas list and she doesn't want anything to go amiss with it.

Is that even legal? Where am I ever going to find that much gin? A vintage WHAT?

  She's wishing you all get everything you ask for... Merry Christmas!

Joining Rednesday


  1. Love visiting and seeing your wonderful Santa post. I truly enjoyed the way you characterized him.

  2. Merry Christmas to you! I think Santa does lose all his weight but gains it back not to dissapoint the kids!

  3. Brilliant! That Santa on the carpet made me laugh out loud.
    Merry Xmas! x

  4. Oh Santa Baby indeed! Lovin' the candle hugger, hope you have the other one too. Merry Christmas:@)

  5. LV - thanks, I know it's tacky to take on Santa but the images from old magazine just tickled me.

  6. Ann - well, yo yo dieting can be bad for you too! I say let Santa lose a few pounds, be a good example to kiddies and be healthier. Maybe if we left apples out for him.

  7. Vix - honestly, you have to wonder what marketing depts were thinking in old ads.

  8. The candle hugger is a loner... that's why I bought it, because it was just pennies and it is so cute I know the lady who had it in her booth just could not bring herself to toss him out. One day I may find partners for my lonely onlies.

  9. What a wonderful collection of Christmas images! And I am still laughing at the family that poo-ed in their pants.

    Thanks for following my blog. I'm happy to follow your delightful blog, as well!

  10. Hmmm - maybe not a bowling pin, maybe a bottle of wine! And I think Santa's had a little nip because he seems to be on a floating carpet with his hat pom-pom hanging off the edge....

  11. Chelise - I wondered if that went too far but given the number of ads for, um, regularity, in those magazines. I thought it gave a feeling for the era.

  12. Sarah - you have a good eye. Santa does seem a bit buoyed by the bubbly!

  13. This is quite the fantastic collection of wonderful Santa images. Love it!

  14. Love it! I have a few Santa ads - he's mainly perving or smoking though. Merry Christmas!

  15. I always know where to come for a good "bowl full of jelly" belly laugh! This was - as always - the pinnacle of hilarity! Merry Christmas to you, too! Keep the laughter coming!

  16. Kim - I was surprised how much Santa got up to in old magazine ads!

  17. Thanks Alycia and Merry Christmas to all.

  18. Another make me chuckle post! Not that you probably need anymore pictures, but Pinterest is a great place...I'm just sayin' =0)

  19. Oh that pin is a little on the scary side - especially if the eyes move!

    I have one of the old ones that if you pull the string his nose lights up or is that from the booze:)

    Merry Christmas!

  20. If Mrs. Santa can get Santa to look like Cary Grant, then I want her to help me with my Christmas list from now on instead of him! Merry Christmas!

  21. Holly - Pinterest scares me, I love looking but can see it would take up so much time. On my list for the new year is starting to use it. I may never be heard from again.

  22. LOL - Leann. I remember those plastic pins that did things like light up or have a ghost come out of a pumpkin. This is actually a small wall hanging and the poor thing looks frantic.

    I'll let Mrs. S know where to go next, Mom Walds.

  23. I love all of the images, but my favorite is the constipation ad. That is HILARIOUS! Have a very Merry Christmas!!!!!

  24. Jori - everyone loves a Christmas potty!

  25. OH, Mrs Helen! You just have too much fun, don't you! Thanks for sharing it with me!


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