Friday, January 6, 2012

Helen Tells You to Take Your Problem and Stick It.

Dear Helen Hartman,
January must be the dullest month. The decorations are down. The onslaught of people trying to buy my affections with fabulous gifties won’t pick up again until Valentine’s Day. I can’t get up to any trouble because of all of those New Year’s resolutions. Not mine but the ones other people made and are still struggling to keep. Can’t they see how their selfish quest to make their lives better is making MINE harder? Be a love and give me some ways to help my friends break their resolutions so I can have fun again.

Dear Hard to Love One,

Helen has no sympathy for your petty complaints. Helen has her own petty complaints urgent issues and they take precedence over your wanting to manipulate your friends and acquaintances for your own benefit. I mean, really, WHO would do that?

"Don't think of it as stooping to cheat at golf, Gordon. Think of it as stooping because it's the only chance you may ever get to look up my skirt."
 Dang right, Helen WOULD. But I have a good reason -- looking at a whole weekend on my knees, hunched over in the bathroom, cursing and weeping. 

"In other words, the same way she spends every Saturday night."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     (What the heck is going on here? Which one of these kids is L and which is G? And is that pendant over the pink potty supposed to remind them of there happy time at Camp Wee Three Tee Pee?) 
No, Helen doesn't have a virus. Nor a broken heart. No, not even a hangover. What Helen will be doing in the bath is worse that all of those put together…
Well, we all know you're not going to be in there cleaning. (Very funny. These people are no longer invited to my parties - they will NOT be missed)
Helen will be attempting (da-dah-duuuh) DIY Home improvements! 

It's really not so bad once you let the fumes take you away! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
 It started with a week long hunt for the perfect vintage desk... why a desk?

This business gal always whips out the sewing machine to do a little light stitching at her desk, don't you? By the way, what 'business' is our housewife in? Is she an amateur butcher?  

Unlike her I plan to put things like this on my "new" desk should I ever find it:

MWaaaaH! This week's thrifty find. Who can resist blonde angel in red lipstick?

After failing at desk finding 101, I had to do something to get my housewife business in gear. So when I remembered that the guest bath needed new flooring, I grabbed a 1954 Home Magazine and embraced the promise that a new floor was better than a whole home makeover.

Alice might live in a bamboo hut in the middle of nowhere but, damn it, her floors were to die for!
So tomorrow all there is to do is get a box of vinyl tiles, haul them home, measure, cut, peel off the backing and... stick it. 
Before you know it the place will be ready for this:

I didn't buy it. It clashes with the floors. And any sense of decorum or decor that I have ever had. Oh people from the past, your bathrooms must have been like heaven on earth. Or at least they sounded like it.

How hard can THAT be? We’ll find out this weekend.
Be at my house by 9 on Saturday.

BTW – Try this with your friends vis-a-vis resolution breaking, Loved One. An hour into a home improvement project I defy ANYONE not to have reverted back to at least ONE vice. 
You’re welcome.

Joining Pink Saturday, as usual - go take a look!


  1. Will there be coffee and donuts?

  2. As someone perpetually stuck in home improvement projects I must agree with your closing statement! Good luck on the flooring.

  3. I'll be thinkin' 'bout you...down on your knees...peelin'...and-a-stickin'... huffin'...and-a-puffin'...gruntin'...and-a-fartin'... I feel ya'...and I'll be thinkin''bout ya' will..yer here!

  4. are so funny! That stuff about the business gal doing a little light stitching had me rolling!! Thanks for making my day Helen!!

  5. Dear Helen Hartman, this is so funny! I don't recall my mom having a business gal's desk, but she certainly spent a lot of time planning menus for her bridge parties!
    Happy Pink Saturday.

  6. Thanks Debbie - it is its own kind of, um, fun, huh?

    Loretta, when you put it that way, I may hire someone else to do it!

  7. Thanks for stopping by "Laurel Leaf"

  8. Ok, I'm just going to be the boring one here who, with each post just lays my head on the keyboard & L'sMAO. What more can be said? I must say though, of all the tasks, I'll take the close-up one with the fumes (hey, I grew up in the 60's & some habits call back). And really, it makes all those horrible, "easy" (HAH!), inexpensive (HAH!) projects much more do-able. Thank you dearest Helen - you make life make so much sense :- )

  9. OMG! I have that radio toilet paper holder! I never thought I'd ever see another! Nothing like a little scratchy AM radio to get you up off the pot!

  10. I guess it's only fair to tell about my spectacular goof 15 years ago when I tried my hand at laying stick-down tiles and didn't pay any attention to the arrows on the paper backing. I didn't know that the printed pattern on a tile is directional. Ooops.

    I refuse to take all the blame though. My daughter and her then-boyfriend (the infamous Toby of Toby Day haircuts) were "helping." There's got to be a "How Many Incompetent Adults Does It Take to...?" joke in there somewhere.

  11. Happy Pink Saturday back at ya! Can't wait to see your pinkie day post.

    Vickie - there is nothing boring about you, girl. All together now - INHALE.

  12. Susie Q - I thought it was so funny but I'd never buy it. Not a huge germaphobe but I'd keep thinking about where that thing had BEEN.

  13. LOL Dana - we are nefarious DIYers. We once tiles a shower stall - trying to stick the tile on with GROUT. Our teenaged son walked in, glanced at the bucket and told us it would be helpful if we'd just once read the label!

  14. Happy New Year Helen! If my house move ever goes through 2012 promises a lot of usually drives us to drink.

    My resolution as ever is to sit on the sidelines sniggering childishly at others ;-)

  15. Thank you for your comment on my Rockabilly Tuesday! :)

  16. So pretty!

    My Pink. Please join my Color Connection meme too if you have time. Thanks!

  17. Thanks for stopping by Miss K and Ms Burrito!

  18. Hope it is going well! Happy Pink Saturday!

  19. I had to give it up, there's a leak around the potty and Hubby has to do a hardware run before we can proceed. No I did NOT go in there with a wrench and loosen something!

  20. you always make me laugh! love your posts. just wanted to remind you that you are a guest at my place on the 16th! thanks. xx

  21. giggle. good luck.Happy Pink Saturday. I hope you will stop by Katherines Corner and enter the Pink Poodle Giveaway. xo

  22. Yike Tammy - I didn't remember that. But I like being a guest anywhere that'll have me.

  23. Katherine - its Sunday now but I am on my way.

  24. Did I not teach you how to fix your "no-reply comment blogger" status? Puh-LEEze, Helen, get yur head outta the toilet and go put yur email in your profile and check that little box that says "show' email or I'ma have to come over there and take that thermos away!!!!

    THere will be NO charts of cow butchering on my wall...vintage or not...yuck.

  25. MY GOD!
    I would have bought that radio and installed it ASA-PEE! I swear if I had one of those I would have one of the best bathrooms in all my town!

  26. i wish i had Helen's super housekeeping knack :) Hope to see you in my Color Connection entry 1 and 2!

  27. Gwen - I thought I DID. I'm emailing you for help.

  28. Coconut - if you hear humming in the potty, don't bother trying the door!

    Mel - thanks for the visit. Will visit back.


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