Thursday, January 12, 2012

There She Is... YOU!

Dear Helen Hartman,
They say the Miss America Pageant is supposed to celebrate the accomplishments of women, in swimsuits, no less! Getting into one of those is an accomplishment it its own right for me, but I don’t see anyone rushing toward me with a cape and tiara for it – more like a beach blanket and a warning about frightening small children. Miss America is, according to the old song, the IDEAL, the fairest of the fair, walking on air. Sigh, just once, I’d love to feel like that - can you help?

Dear Loved One,
Just ONCE? Oh, my dear, you deserve to feel that way whenever you chose. I mean it. Allow Helen to step away from the snarkiness today...
Must resist urge to point out that organizers say pageants are about education then show winners in swimsuits... in the snow... wearing anklets and saddle shoes. Helen always says:Going to college doesn't make you smart any more than going to beauty school makes you pretty. remind you of Helen’s philosophy: A woman wears a lot of hats in life, why shouldn’t one of them be a tiara?

Yes, its a replica of the Miss America crown. I won it fair and square. On Ebay.
 Because every woman... and a few fellas...

Les lived a life fit for King when things were going well but one bump and Goodbye fit for a King Hello Queen of all Hissy fits.
Deserves to be reminded that they are smart, beautiful and not to be trifled with (unless trifling is what she has in mind!). Long before Helen did much serious collecting of vintage goodies she had her own special collection – of tiaras. I’ve given many of those away by now because I can only wear one, or maybe two, at a time and because I have never given one to someone that they didn’t light up like a Christmas tree.
 And you know how Helen likes to get lit up!
The "Easy Way" to do laundry? Fill an oversized bottle with perfectly mixed martinis. Helen's not plastered. She's starched! 
Beauty Pageants? I suppose they have their place, but you know I’d never submit myself to a panel of judges.

Judging others is my job.   Which reminds me, we need to talk about that train wreck you call a 'social' life.

So why waste another minute wishing you could be ‘crowned’ Miss Something or Other? Life is full of crowning moments, Loved One. You just have to embrace them. Take a cue from another of Helen’s  adages: 
Carpe Diem? Seize the Day? It’s all fine and good but when you’re really ready to show them what you’ve got Carpe Diadem -- Seize the Tiara!

Ten Tiara Worthy Moments (TWM) in Every Day Life
1)  Taking On the Untenable Task TWM
Whether it’s taking out the kitty litter or taking someone down a notch it’s so much more pleasant (for you, and that’s what matters, right?) if you do it with a crown on your head.

2) Let’s Be Clear Who is Boss TWM
My first every tiara was a gift from my hubby but the next one was bought at a flea market – where the vendor asked me why I wanted it and I said, when I come out of my office wearing a scowl nobody take me seriously but come out wearing a tiara and everybody knows I mean business.

3) I Will Not be Invisible TWM
We’ve all had those days when people seem to look right past us. Nothing soothes the pangs of not being seen or heard like…  Firing an incompetent underling?

Your PB&J making skills have slipped considerably of late, mother, so I've had my lawyer draw up termination papers. Best of luck with any subsequent children you might have.
No...A tiara!
4) Keeping Queenly Company TWM
Divas, Drag Queens, Dance Moms, or a day with Didn’t-Make-the-cut Debutants, it doesn’t matter. Every gathering is more fun when you all take the time to Shine!   

5) Queen of the Road TWM
I   I actually own what I call my Travelling Tiara – bit enough to be noticed from passing cars but not so big it gives me a headache from pressing against the top of the car. I recommend everyone get one of these. It makes it so much more civilized when you have to run someone off the road and curse them out for cutting you off.

6) It’s Tuesday TWM
Who says you have to have a reason?

The first rule of tiara wearing - she who wears the tiara makes the rules!

7) Why Dance Naked When You Can Wear Rhinestones? TWM
I know you do it. Maybe not nekkid, but in your robe, or your yoga pants or even dressed up in your old prom dress. In your kitchen when nobody else is there, in the grocery aisle when no one is watching, in your dreams. You, Loved One, are a Dancing Queen, young and sweet only no so much seventeen. So do it in style.

8) Keep Calm and Carry a Tiara TWM
             When you are scared, uncertain, lonely or know someone who is, a little bling for the beehive (that’s a kind of hair do for those too young to remember) can give life a little lift.

9) You Know WHY TWM
Insert you own place and time and reason for wearing a tiara here. 
I know you’ve come up with one because you are clever, creative and ever-so capricious. How do I know this? You are reading Dear Helen Hartman! You are obviously a person of charm, culture and too much spare time.

10)              Remember Helen Loves you Loved One TWM
If you still need a reason to get yourself a tiara, stick it on your head and let everyone (yourself included) know you are as Tiara Worthy as any beauty queen, do it because Helen told you to. And we always do as Helen says. Right?

If you need more Tiara wearing inspiration check out these ladies (I am sharing these because I actually follow and support them, they did not pay me or ask me though if I heard from any of them I would Squeee in pure delight). 

The Sweet Potato Queens  - Southern royalty you can't help lovin'

Beauty and the Book - The only hair salon/bookstore in the world!

Jeanne Robertson - former Miss North Carolina and forever funny lady


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  2. I may have to invest in a travel tiara, as I love to mess with people at red lights. My daughter and I used to play tapes of Shakespeare plays in the car at deafening volume. We'd pull up to people who had their music thumpin' and blast them right out of their seats with a soliloquy.

    And hooray for Jefferson, Texas...home to Beauty and the Book and part of my old stompin' grounds of East Texas and Shreveport, Louisiana.

  3. Hello Helen:
    You are, of course and as always, absolutely right about tiaras. We are certain that the euro crisis, world recession, the 2012 Olympics and the presidential election proceedings in the USA would all be so much more bearable if only your tiara rules were compulsory. Of course, it has to be said that perhaps, with you dearest Helen as the only exception, HM The Queen knows better than most how to stay on top with a tiara. That is why, without a doubt, the Diamond Jubilee will far outshine any small sports event that may be taking place in the UK this year!!

    Happy New Tiara Year!!

  4. just wanted to remind you that you are a guest on monday 1/16, thanks! just send me your html anytime before monday.

  5. You've done it!

    I've always been disappointed that I could not pull off cute little hats, especially vintage ones. Seriously, always.

    Seen my profile pic? Curly, romantic, sometimes uncontrollable masses of hair. How does a girl like me get a bit chick style...a TIARA! I could so rock a tiara!

    Especially at the library fundraiser meetings where I am president. Heh, heh, heh.

  6. LOL Dana - Shakespeare is a surefire shake up!

  7. Huzzah Jane and Lance, so happy to see you 'round again. Yes, all things are better with tiaras. Perhaps if the Olympics would ditch the laurel wreathes and medals and go with tiaras and crowns... no it still wouldn't be as jubliticious as the Jubilee!

  8. Tammy, I have already made notes of absolutely awful ways to influence your readers. I mean, with tips on how to be a good guest. Can't wait. Look for my info on Sunday.

  9. Your hair is MADE for a tiara! You MUST have one. Go to and get yourelf a genuine pageant crown. You will not be disappointed.

  10. Helen, dear! I have a tiara, but have never thought of wearing it when I am driving! Oh, My, It is SO riding down the 5 next time I return to So. California! Perhaps it will get me the respect I deserve!
    Funny. I should imagine you and Jill Connor Brown would already be BFFs!

  11. I need a tiara STAT. Except I'm not going to ease into it. I want one of those freakin' HUGE ones like Miss Universe wears!

  12. p.s. What's the etiquette on a sash? Too much?

  13. Lynn - yes a driving tiara is in order! Jill Connor Brown actually gave me a PR quote for a book I wrote a gazillion years ago - but we've never met.

    Eartha - yes, get one NOW. Sash? I think it depends on where you're making an appearance. Brisket shopping at the Piggly Wiggly - fine. Doing the reading of the Love chapter at your sister's wedding - tacky.

  14. Dang~Now I know what's been missing in my life! I'm going Tiara shopping!

  15. That's what has been missing in my life...and all this time...

  16. A tiara is a decision you NEVER regret! Do check out - you will be amazed.

  17. I want to go and buy a Tiara now ;-)) dee x

  18. I have one from when I got married. I figured it needed some more use so wore it for Kate n' Wills wedding (my invite got lost in the post, so I was actually at a tea party at a friends instead of the nuptials themselves, but I like to think I brought some class to the gathering).

  19. Yes, a tiara as a wedding headpiece sets just the right tone. Silly me, I went with a wreath of flowers and ribbons. If I'd only known then how much better it is to be the QUEEN. LOL on wearing it for Kate and Wills, I am sure the party attendees appreciated it.

  20. Your blog is fantastic! I am so glad I stumbled across it (and am now following it)
    Very empowering and a entertaining read! xx

  21. Thanks - now I'm off to visit your blog, which I'm sure it fantastic.

  22. I am going out tomorrow to buy a traveling tiara. I definitely need one. Loved the post! :)

  23. This post is the perfect way to start my Saturday!! So now before I conquer the world (or feed the dogs and balance my checkbook) I'm going shopping for a tiara...I wonder if they have them on eBay?! :-) Enjoy your weekend!!

  24. Karen - I can imagine you sailing down Main Street in One! I once wore a great big one into McKinnleys to meet the CCW folks on a dare.

  25. Kim - I got some of mine on ebay - also hobby stores, and placs like Claires have them. Yes, I know every place you can find 'em!

  26. Very funny....when we went out searching for treasures monday i got a red patent leather retro purse....the tag on the inside: Miss America ~ by golly, i bought it right there and then, i think THAT is tiara worthy!


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