Thursday, February 16, 2012

Helen Cures Your Ills.

Dear Helen Hartman,
Gwen from The Bold Abode (visit for the charm, stay for the chimp imitation) tagged you in a post with an intriguing question:  If you could cure ONE disease, what would it be?
Love to hear how Helen, ever the humanitarian would answer that.

Dear Loved One,
Actually, there were 13 intriguing questions because, well, I guess Gwen is just so durn nosy but then - aren't we all?.  

Edith: "Did you hear? Helen is being a 'humanitarian'. I think that means she is going to be contrary and do whatever she pleases instead of what she's supposed to do."  Dave: "That's not being a 'huMANitarian, silly. That's being a HuWOMANatarian!" The conversation you have just read it true. Edith went on to run a successful gossip blog. Dave died alone and bitter, never having known the love of a woman again.
 
What disease would I cure? It’s not a disease, so much as a dis-ease – something that makes folks more than a little uncomfortable. 

Say what you will about her ill fitting outfits. You can't deny that Lillian throws one heck of a party!



It’s how we don’t take care of ourselves (or often one another but tackling that might be biting off on more than I can chew)

In 1950s America they had different ideas of a biting off more than we could chew. "And when you finish that margarine injected turkey, young lady, I've made a lard-crust double chocolate pie for each of us!

I’d cure people of eating badly and not getting enough exercise. Because I think people who do those things feel better and people who feel better behave better. And people who behave better… well, they free up Helen’s time from having to call them on the carpet and bully them into acting right. 

Yes, is DOES all come back to Helen. Did you have any doubt it didn’t?

The problem is that if you ask 10 people how to eat right and exercise properly you will get ten different answers. 
Which is why you should not ask those 10 people. 
Ask me.
And I'll tell you to just do as I say and to stop asking so many questions.
But do you listen to Helen? No. So, you ask: What should I eat to be healthy? Let me put it this way:


Whatever most of us have on our plates right now? NOT THAT!

Helen actually doesn’t have all the answers. Well, she DOES but if she gives them to you now then what will she blog about tomorrow and the next day? Instead let’s take a look at the issue of what to eat and how to exercise as described in my newest thrift store find.



Eat and Stay Slim. A practically untouched volume formerly owned by one Dorcas Something or Other (I can’t read her writing probably because she was eating an iced bearclaw as she wrote and smeared the ink). Circa 1974. 
I have to say – good on you, Dorcas, for NOT touching this stuff! It seems to me the best way to lose weight with this book is to use the suggested diet an appetite suppressor.  I submit as evidence:

Iceberg lettuce in a JellO ring - with the suggestion to fill the center with your favorite
 meat salad!
Until I read this book I never even thought to put those words together. Meat Salad?



Or how about:

No, those are not bowls of lovely winter and summer punch. That's BEEF-O-MATO with lemon garnish and CUKE-BUTTERMILK SOUP 'sporting cuke sticks'! Yes, I said it. Now I feel downright naughty.

 Decided to give up eating all together yet? Maybe you'd prefer to drink yourself slim!

You did not read that wrong - tomato layered on top of pineapple juice. Your mouth is watering, isn't it? That's because you feel ill, isn't it?

If you insist on continuing to eat poorly you will need more than ever to begin an exercise regime (yes, regime, not regimen. To get Helen moving it will take an overthrow of her monarchy by a heavily armed force - or a muscle-y legged one!)


If they think exercising together is as much fun as a party, just wait until these young mothers discover drinking wine together!

 Of course if you don't want to move yourself, you can always find machines to do the work for you.

No, it's not an instrument of torture - it's a wonder of science. Bumpy, teeth jarring, promises to break down the fat so it melts away but actually only buys you time to sit around and chat with the gals at the spa science.

Dorcas knew her butt was doughy but did the masseuse actually have to use a rolling pin?


 So there you have it. Eating right and moving is the key to curing what ails so many of us. If you, like Dorcas, don’t feel so inclined to do it the Eat and Stay Slim Way, Helen can’t make you. Not yet. So she will resign herself to practicing what she preaches. Gotta run...



 I’m going to go throw a piece of fresh fruit in my daiquiri and start a conga line!


Cha cha cha cha cha-ing my way over to Pink Saturday!

31 comments:

  1. That Jello dish looks mighty tempting! Never tried making one with lettuce. Carrots and pineapple perhaps, but never lettuce. (And for real, my Mom used to make the carrots, pineapple, and orange Jello mold thing. It actually wasn't half bad.)

    Happy weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yummm. I remember shredded carrots in JellO.

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  2. My grandmother had one of those Stauffer passive exercise tables. You'd lie on it, and it jiggled you. She also ate tons of Ayds weight loss candy. LOL OK,now I'm off to make a Double Deck Cocktail.

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    Replies
    1. My mom bought me Ayds when I was a teen - she was terrified I'd be fat. I also belonged to a fitness club where the helpers dressed in black leotards with a black short skirt and had those roller things and vibrating belts!

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  3. Oh my, i think i need that cook book, i dont know how ive lived without making lettuce jello ;o) Tomato and pineapple juice - hmmm. Scarlett x

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    1. Wouldn't it be fun to throw a party with 'healthy' dishes from this book? Your friends... would never expect you to cook again.

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  4. That last line is my idea of eating right and exercise! Have a great weekend and what time are cocktails?:@)

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    Replies
    1. It's 7ish a.m. here so not until, oh, after breakfast!

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  5. OMG lettuce in gelatine with meat salad! Pineapple and tomato juice! Now there's the menu for my next garden party. You're invited, of course, dear Helen.

    Sarah xxx

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    Replies
    1. I'll be there - with a thermos of pina coladas because I ain't drinking that pineapple tomato mess.

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  6. Methinks Ms. Hartman has been spiking her morning Screwdriver with Tab.
    Deb

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  7. That Jello dish is a hoot! Another fab post. I think the diet has gone out the window this week and I'm blaming St. Valentines.

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  8. Great post and I agree with you. However, someone's attitude goes along way with me.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. The more I care about a person the more I wish they would take care of themselves. I'm no skinny mini, myself!

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh my goodness now I am wondering what you let fly that you had to remove! Just to let everyone know, I am sitting here making up outrageous comments in my mind to fill in this blank.

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  10. You're priceless, dear Helen...I finally woke up out of my Strep Throat Fog to thank you for your kindness in answering...ahem...one of my questions. The fact, Helen, that you found time to do so just made my day! You are much too kind. Please keep the recipe for iceberg jello to yourself...that is an abomination to all jello. Well, jello itself is a bit of a culinary abomination, no? Happy Valentines Day, dear. Yes, I still think it's Tuesday...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, I was going to make you iceberg lettuce Jello to help you get over that ick! I hope you feel better and better. In my world everyday is Valentines Day, of course... and Doom's Day.

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  11. Food photography has evolved. Thankfully, those recipes went away. Happy Pink Saturday!

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  12. Happy Pink Saturday Helen Sweetie...
    Oh my goodness I am so LOL. What a share today. Surprise me?
    NOPE! It is so you to find a treasured book such as this. I
    am surprised the family did not keep it. It was tossed and I
    wonder why?

    I hate to say it Helen but I think Better Homes and Gardens
    needs to stay in the Garden with the roses and the rooms in
    our homes,other than the kitchen. Recipes? Ouch....

    Thanks for the smile and laughter this morning. I always love
    seeing what you find along the way of your day. Many hugs
    sweetie and much love, Sherry

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  13. Thanks Sherry - I often wonder how our treasures end up in flea markets and thrift shops! Happy Pink Saturday to you too!

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  14. Wonderful pink post for this week!

    My PINK, have a blessed Sunday!

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    Replies
    1. I always enjoy your visits and your post on Pink Saturday.

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  15. Fun Fun Fun!So nice to "meet" you-enjoyed your post.Denise

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  16. The green jello with the meat salad is very scary! I love all of your tips! Some of them work! heehee! ♥♥♥

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    1. I am honestly going to make that lettuce jello ring this summer just to freak my family out.

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  17. Hey - that pineapple/tomato juice thing? Did you leave out the vodka on purpose because you are trying to make us think you're so good or because it came that way? Either way that's an evil trick to pull on your frinds. And relatives. Please look up the proper amount of vodka.

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    Replies
    1. YOu have saved that recipe! Yes, add vodka. Or wine. That is, leave out the pineapple and tomato juice and just have wine.

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