Tuesday, February 28, 2012

No Kilt, No Glory.


Vickie from the fun and fabulous Sponge Curlers & Cupcakes poses this question:
Dear Helen Hartman,

As I write this my SCOTSMAN (not the cute kind in a kilt!) is installing a new GAS water heater in our 1950's home because he is too SCOTSMAN to have a REAL, qualified, installer do it.  We CAN afford it and at the risk of losing my beloved home, let alone my life and all my cool retro/vintage stuff, Love to know what can one do with a stubborn JACKASS Scotsman?  Oh, now he's saying the pilot light won't light.  I'm going to the mall.

Dear Loved and Left for the Mall One,
It took a moment to realize that you see your situation hinging on dealing with a SCOTSman

Ah, the 1950s when they listened to mono style records and used stereo types to sell anything!

But Helen sees things differently

Yes, Helen is always right and ahead of the curve in all things. Who do you think gave Angelia Jolie the idea to strike that pose at the Oscars?
 I was going to say ‘the right way, as always. But why rub it in?

This whole issue arises because you are dealing with a scotsMAN.   
No, Helen is not into male bashing, Loved Ones,  but she does want to submit as evidence for her conclusion this new addition my husband bought last week to hang with his collection of metal signs:

Yes, Helen believes aliens crashed at Roswell and that their Captain was a man.... who, like Columbus, wouldn't ask for directions!

You want to know how this helps with your hot water heater fixin Scotsman (non-kilt wearing kind)? Let Helen get to the bottom of this.

Yes, it's a baby bottom, you didn't REALLY think I'd show what's under a Scotsman's kilt, did you?
The year is 1956. The magazine: Saga. The issues of the day… I’ll never know. The covers were missing, as was a photo of a pin up girl in an advertisement (ah, men, it’s true, you never DO change). The partial magazine was in a stack of old women’s magazines and how to knitting booklets sold as a unit found this last Saturday. Just in time to help us puzzle through this men thinking they can tackle anything . 

You think the thing that 'hooks' men into this scheme is the gypsy magic angle but it's really the final words - ON APPROVAL. Finally, these guys are saying, someone giving us approval for what we were going to do anyway.
 
It isn’t such a mystery when you get a glimpse at some of the things promised they could do in the back of the men’s magazine

You get a professional multitester in your learn to repair electronics at home kit! If only you could use it on yourself before you send away for another hare-brained kit!Sorry guys over 50, old dogs, new tricks. This is NOT for you - have you seen the ad about gypsy fishing oil? That's more your speed.


Bring crooks to justice in your own home. Never have another "who stole the cookies from the cookie jar' moment again.
TV, Bringing Crooks to justice and butchering your own meat at home... it's like the tri-fecta of manliness.

After those a little hot water heater repair is easy as pie. Which we all know is NOT that easy, but if a man ever made one…

Mom bought the food, cooked meal, helps the kids with school work and more. Grandma handed down the dishes and silver, pitches in with housework and child rearing, daddy serves the pot roast and HE’s the head of the household?




Oh, men, I am just  having fun with you. 

Man rinses out own coffee cup. Parade breaks out to mark the unprecedented event. In other news, wife cleans up ticker tape for a month afterward. No thank yous needed.

I really do like men... some more than others.

Yes, it is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Not the shirtless muscle display - hanging out the wash. What a guy! Swoon.

It’s not like women are perfect. Heaven’s no! If they were, Helen would have to keep her advice to herself. And keeping her opinion to herself would have dire consequences.



PLEASE spare my children from this fate. Helen at HOME. LIKING it. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Am assuming there were no dire consequences to your husband’s DIY attempts. Having had a repair man out recently who jiggled some wires and said he thought it was a fuse but if not, call again, then slapped down a hefty bill, your Mr. MacFixit might just have the best approach.  
I think my hubby’s sign is right, Men don’t change. Or at least the haven’t in the last 50+ years.

Except for that brief obsession with Panda Hair, men have pretty much been on a steady course. PANDA HAIR?

 Heaters? That’s nothing. If your Scotsman addresses an envelope to the  National School of Meat Cutting- begin to worry.

visiting Twice Owned Tuesday
Rednesday and Wow us Wednesday.

33 comments:

  1. Omygod! ME, at the top of the news at Dear Helen?! Um, I thought this would be anonymous when I sent my SOS! Haha! But a little plug for the blog spot is nice thank you :- ) The house is still intact and we've found no small animals laying dead near the gas line but I tell ya, when I went into the TV room & found him watching a You Tube video of some yo-yo giving instructions on how to install a GAS water heater, well, I panicked! I should have been reassured since he usually doesn't look for guidance because he already knows it ALL. I won't worry about him enrolling in butcher school or any such thing because he's close to retiring - THEN what will I do?!?!?! But I might just copy the "panda hair" ad & leave it on the table next to his TV remote.

    Thank you Dear Helen! (But it could be a health risk to one in my *certain* age group to laugh so hard this early in the a.m.

    ~Vickie~
    Who is, as we speak...practicing the Jolie pose in her chenile bathrobe & sponge curlers. He may look a bit odd in the kilt with tennis shoes but he IS after all my Mr. fix-it ;- ) who saved us tons of $$'s so I can go buy more VINTAGE!

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    1. LOL - I just wanted everyone to bounce over to your wonderful blog for a quick day brightener. So glad to hear your house did not go Ka-Boom! I bet you look fab in the Jolie pose.

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  2. Hello Helen:
    Oh how we have missed your wonderfully amusing and, always, timely advice.

    We have no real experience of Scotsmen and gas heaters or indeed any other form of plumbing. These days, all matters plumbing seem to be dealt with by men from Poland who, we have to say, are always fantastically efficient and have not in our experience ever turned up in skirts. However, we would say that there are very few Scotsmen who look good in kilts. They rarely have the legs for them in our view!

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    1. Now I am imagining Polish plumbers in mini skirts (why minis? Because anything longer would get caught in their socket wrenches, duh!). Thank you for that image!

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  3. Did you see the guy that made fun of Angelina? That, my friend, was hysterical...

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    1. And so quick and clever. It made the whole escapade so much more fun.

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  4. Hahaha, well ive learnt felt making im now signing up for meat cutting! Scarlett x

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  5. OH MY! I'm sending this post to my hubby at his computer! He may need a 'hobby'! heehee! I loved these old ads! And I'm old enough to remember them, too! haha! ♥♥♥

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    1. I wonder which he will send away for! Mine likes the idea of being a fish charmer with a secret gypsy potion!

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  6. What drunk admen thought up the Panda Hair thing? I have no idea what it even means. At first I thought it was a thin attempt to capitalize on the Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing thing, but then I realized that happened in the Reagan era, so I'm still as clueless as ever...but it sure is funny!

    I'm going to reserve laughing about the rest till I see how my "learning upholstery at home" idea works out.

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  7. Good luck with that course! I have NO CLUE what Panda hair means. I could imagine if it was suggesting people were dying their white hair black and not getting it covered but it's clearly about keeping your hair neat.

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  8. Learn meat cutting at home... I'd love to watch them maneuver the side of beef through the kitchen door! :@)

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    1. And drop it on the kitchen table as a work surface!

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  9. Well, Helen, I can always count on you to have all the answers! I am ever grateful. And I do appreciate the humor you bring to my days. :)

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    1. Thanks Karen! I always love learning from your blog.

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  10. I want to be a meat cutting fingerprint expert -- where do I apply again?!!
    That guy hanging out the laundry is certainly easy on the eyes!

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    1. You can do it - just send away for your kit. For the courses, not for the guy. I don't know where you get one of those hunky housework doers.

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  11. Like those photos. Thanks for sharing.

    Mary, MI

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  12. Well, I don't know what it's like to deal with a Scotsman, but I DO know what it's like living with a stubborn Germanman! After many times of him having to call in a professional after he tried fixing something, it's the first thing my husband does now. Guys CAN change, as long as there's an angry woman standing there to remind them of the last time they tried fixing something!
    Happy REDnesday,
    Carol

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  13. LOL - behind every successfully evolved man is a stubborn woman. Thanks for stopping by this Rednesday.

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  14. I can't tell you how many times I've just told my husband to call in the experts. Many of our home improvement projects could be done in half the time that they take my husband, but then that takes away any opportunity to buy "new" tools to complete the project. Another fabulous post. Love the reference to Angelina too.

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    1. Thanks Kim - as someone who loved gadgets, it's hard to tell my hubby no to new tools so he can fix all the stuff in our house. If only it actually GOT fixed. Mostly he takes his tools to work and loses track of them!

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  15. Having just survived our own gas water heater break down I am feeling your pain Scarlett. Actually, what I felt was the lack of hot water. Love, love, love these little luxuries!

    Hey, those Youtube videos have saved us a BUNDLE of money. In fact, I don't have fear anymore when Hubby starts fixing something. Just smile and waver Girls, smile and wave.

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    1. Aren't How to videos on You Tube great? So much easier than reading instructions. Can't imagine lasting very long sans hot water. You are my hero.

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  16. aahhh i was so pleased to see sweet Vickie and her wonderful blog mentioned ;-) All i can say is Bloody Scotsman there a law to themselves i am still married to one well trying to get divorced but my god i could write a book about them and there nutty ways ;-) dee x

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    1. Wow - wonder why so many Scotsman are chosen as heroes in romantic Novels? I guess they ARE fantasy!

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  17. Simply loved this! Don't know any scotsman...but I know many like em...LOL

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    1. Yes, I recognized those traits in my own all American guy. Thanks for stopping by.

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  18. too funny, glad no one went ka-boom! xx

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    1. Thanks. That is our standard of acceptable around here - at least it's not on fire. Short of that, everything is okay.

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  19. Men! Can't live with 'em and sometimes you just CAN live without 'em! Hey, what are those kids drinking in that family dinner photo - radioactive Hawaiian Punch?

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