Dear Helen Hartman,
My husband watches lots of those food shows on TV and now wants me to prepare fancy foods like some celebrity chef. Butter. Bread. Wine. Sauces. Bread. Desserts. I am all for broadening one’s skill set but I can’t help noticing a lot of the people doing all that baking and sautéing and tasting, tasting, tasting are just plain broadening. I love my husband but I do not want to end up chef-shaped.
Dear Doesn’t Want to Be Loaf-like One,
Hmmm. Helen has to ask herself ‘What is the real question here?’ or in Helen speak, ‘What do I want to talk about?’.
|Myself? Yes, that’s my usual fav topic but sometimes there are other things that interest me…like how fab You think I am.|
Is this a question about self-discipline?
|SELF discipline? You know you can PAY people to do that for you, right?|
Or is it about a fear of getting so lost in work or a hobby that it overtakes you and is unhealthy?
|Naomi was so tired of all the demands of housewifery that she didn't know which end was up. Happily this saved her when she was ready to just stick her head in the oven and end it all.|
Is it about avoiding temptation?
|"Noooo" cried the little angel of puff pastries as Helen approached.. "Last time she used my halo as a spoon!"|
Avoiding temptation is not exactly Helen's strong suit.
You certainly can’t be asking Helen how to keep a trim figure? Because that would be too easy.
|The magic Compresso Belt - now with "double extra front flattening". It's science, people, don't try to understand it, just buy it and "be so pleased with how your thighs have been compressed." Jaws of life for extricating yourself not included.|
You’re not… no, it can’t be that you’d come to Helen to ask how… you don’t want to know how to find BALANCE in your life, do you?
I hope not because, let’s be honest, balanced is not a word one usually ascribes to Helen.
|I work hard to keep my hair bouncy - doesn't my check book deserve the same treatment?|
Or to her checking account.
That’s it, isn’t it? You worry that if people who have every advantage and reason to control their impulses and maintain a healthy lifestyle can’t then what chance do you have to make your hubby happy with all that food and… wait a minute here. How could I have MISSED it?
Forget everything I’ve been talking about and book yourself into a day spa.
|Because that's where all the ugly is?|
When hubby comes home feed him THIS celebrity dish:
|I swear I did not mess with the color of this recipe. They actually presented this as appetizing enough to sell soup in 1962.|
And if he asks (assuming he can talk for all the yummmmmmy sounds he will be making) what celeb cooks like this, look him right in his canned soup glazed eyes and say – “COOK?"
|These are not just for show, some people actually use them to prepare meals for their families. Not me,of course, but I've heard of this going on in some households.|
"I thought you said you wanted me to LOOK like a celebrity.”
If he still thinks you should be a better chef inform him that multi-tasking is a myth. No one can do all things and do them all well and as the old adage goes – A woman can only excel in one room in her home…
|That man is not drawn to the carpet. Not even he, in his candy red and pink pjs can maintain respect for his masculinity sleeping in THAT bed.|
And you’ve chosen the computer room so he needs to deal with it.