Thursday, March 15, 2012

Room To Grow?


Dear Helen Hartman,
My husband watches lots of those food shows on TV and now wants me to prepare fancy foods like some celebrity chef.  Butter. Bread. Wine. Sauces. Bread. Desserts.  I am all for broadening one’s skill set but I can’t help noticing a lot of the people doing all that baking and sautéing and tasting, tasting, tasting are just plain broadening. I love my husband but I do not want to end up chef-shaped.

Dear Doesn’t Want to Be Loaf-like One,
Hmmm. Helen has to ask herself  ‘What is the real question here?’ or in Helen speak, ‘What do I want to talk about?’.

Myself? Yes, that’s my usual fav topic but sometimes there are other things that interest me…like how fab You think I am.

Is this a question about self-discipline?


SELF discipline? You know you can PAY people to do that for you, right?
 
Or is it about a fear of getting so lost in work or a hobby that it overtakes you and is unhealthy?


Naomi was so tired of all the demands of housewifery that she didn't know which end was up. Happily this saved her when she was ready to just stick her head in the oven and end it all.
 
Is it about avoiding temptation? 

"Noooo" cried the little angel of puff pastries as Helen approached.. "Last time she used my halo as a spoon!"
 Avoiding temptation is not exactly Helen's strong suit.
 
You certainly can’t be asking Helen how to keep a trim figure? Because that would be too easy.

The magic Compresso Belt - now with "double extra front flattening". It's science, people, don't try to understand it, just buy it and "be so pleased with how your thighs have been compressed." Jaws of life for extricating yourself not included.

Cheat.

You’re not… no, it can’t be that you’d come to Helen to ask how… you don’t want to know how to find BALANCE in your life, do you?


I hope not because, let’s be honest, balanced is not a word one usually ascribes to Helen.

I work hard to keep my hair bouncy - doesn't my check book deserve the same treatment?

Or to her checking account.

That’s it, isn’t it? You worry that if people who have every advantage and reason to control their impulses and maintain a healthy lifestyle can’t then what chance do you have to make your hubby happy with all that food and… wait a minute here. How could I have MISSED it?

Forget everything I’ve been talking about and book yourself into a day spa.

Because that's where all the ugly is?
 
 When hubby comes home feed him THIS celebrity dish:


I swear I did not mess with the color of this recipe. They actually presented this as appetizing enough to sell soup in 1962.

And if he asks (assuming he can talk for all the yummmmmmy sounds he will be making) what celeb cooks like this, look him right in his canned soup glazed eyes and say – “COOK?" 

These are not just for show, some people actually use them to prepare meals for their families. Not me,of course, but I've heard of this going on in some households.

"I thought you said you wanted me to LOOK like a celebrity.”

 If he still thinks you should be a better chef inform him that multi-tasking is a myth. No one can do all things and do them all well and as the old adage goes – A woman can only excel in one room in her home…

That man is not drawn to the carpet. Not even he, in his candy red and pink pjs can maintain respect for his masculinity sleeping in THAT bed.

And you’ve chosen the computer room so he needs to deal with it.


38 comments:

  1. Hello Helen:
    Well, it hardly needs saying, but of course you are right. No self respecting woman should be seen in a kitchen. It is a room of horrors, designed to ruin hairdos, spoil clothes and cause untold injuries to the human body.

    Far better, as you say, to be reconstructed in a Spa and eat out at the Ritz.

    Just one question....when the compresso-belt squeezes all the fat from the abdomen.....just exactly where does it go?!!!

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    Replies
    1. Where does the fat go? Hmmm- perhaps next month's magazine will offer a new complimentary product - Compresso shoes for all the flab that gets sent to your tootsies!

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  2. ah ha ha haha!! I don't know which to say first!! Ok...THAT, THAT Frankfurter cheese boat mess...on beans ~ good golly miss molly!! This belongs on "Worst Chefs of America" what would Bobby & Ann say to this one! Oh how...I'd love to throw this on the table for the kiddos & hubby and capture their reactions on video!!!! Great one!!

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    Replies
    1. Not just beans - Green Beans!, in cream of mushroom soup! Cheese, bacon, frankfurter 'boats' - that should shut up any man wanting a wife to break new culinary ground!

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  3. I'm sorry but after seeing that psychedelic catsuit I'm rendered senseless and cannot take anything in. I love it so much! x

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  4. A Compresso Belt and Frankfurter Cheese Boats...nothing will top this for the day, I'm certain! You ROCK!

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    Replies
    1. Actually, I ROLL that's why I am familiar with the Compresso-Belt!

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  5. Bwahahahaha! Choking on my apple (speaking of weight loss...)! Your blog's my new fave! Tried to add it to Pinterest and couldn't get it to work, dern it! PLEASE add the Pin It button to your blog so we can help tell the world about you!

    ~Cindy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Been meaning to do that. Will get on it.

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  6. Stopping by to visit is always a treat for my senses. Suddenly I am hungry for hotdogs and just have a hankering to buy a new snazzy pantsuit!

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    1. If you get one with that pattern, no one will notice if you drip mustard too!

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  7. Oh my goodness glory girl, just when I thought I'd done gone and seen it all ya throw out the Frankfurter Cheese Boats!!!

    Dear Doesn’t Want to Be Loaf-like One, I just have one word for ya....moderation. Baby, it's all in the moderation.

    I freeze the temptations only pullin' 'em out on 'Cheat Sunday'. :o)

    God bless ya sweetie and have a magnificent day sweetie....I'm still laughin' here........

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Moderation? That's a new one for me. Does it hurt? It sounds like it might.

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  8. I am in need of that compression suit. My willpower is taking a vacation.

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    Replies
    1. There was an even crueler looking one called the Shape-o-lette but the ad was too small to make work. My will power went on vacation a decade ago.

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  9. I might need the compression suit and two body builders to help put it on me!:@)

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    Replies
    1. Silly, if you can get 2 bodybuilders just have them wrestle the food away from you! Or carry you everywhere draped in chiffon ala Liz Taylor so no one knows what you look like.

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  10. Frankfurter cheese boats... So that is what I have been missing out on these 30 years of my life!! I will make that for Mr. Coco.
    =D

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    Replies
    1. He will be crazy about your new cooking skills!

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  11. what a nice, bold blog, lots of humor.

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  12. Yikes...Compresso-Belt...Did we really torture ourselves like that???

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    Replies
    1. I honestly find Spanx as much torture as the old stuff. Some things, you know like internal organs, just weren't meant to be squeezed.

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  13. You are just too funny. You made my day. Hotdogs and cheese, what more could a man ask for. Actually My man would be happy as a pig because he eats them all the time, but I do not fix them for him. He does that all on his own! That compression suit looks wicked. Thank goodness Spanx was invented!

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    1. A man who cooks his own meals is like a self cleaning oven - unless he fails to clean the oven when he cooks. Thanks for stopping by!

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  14. Okay, the frankfurter recipe is a little scary!! I think I remember that first pic - also a little scary because, let's face it....I AM old! But, the 2nd pic is my favorite! I LOVE her attitude, but I also love yours!
    xo
    Holly

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    1. That second lady is a bit intimidating. I don't recall what she was advertising - but I wasn't compelled to buy it. If SHE made that recipe I bet her man would eat it and not say a word.

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  15. Spanx has a tendency to relocate the flab to round the back of your bra strap - where on earth would the compreso-belt send it? I'm guessing knees!

    Those sausage, er things, are truly the stuff of nightmares. No wonder people were thinner back in the day.

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    Replies
    1. Brilliant. That probably IS why all those gorgeous vintage clothes I find have Teeeny waists. People couldn't EAT and when they did - Compresso-Chang-o they squished the fat to their knees (thus the crinolines and big skirts!)

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  16. There is so much that is scary in this post, that I need to recuperate at the spa. Then again, there was that cute little pastry angel!

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    1. I adore that angel but cannot figure out WHY an angel being surprised by a pastry. Who was this made for (besides me)?

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  17. Once again, your post has made me laugh AND given me an idea for dinner while I make that appointment for the spa! :-)

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    1. Glad to be of service - hope you enjoyed your spa day!

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  18. Well if my hubby gets wild ideation about those food shows and ME cooking, I remind him of the first celebrity TV chef....Chef Boyardee, and crook my eyebrow toward the can of ravioli in the cupboard. He usually goes off to our swan & angel bed hungry and wanting, mouth watering and, and, oh, I digress (sometimes the mind wanders back to times when he DIDN'T wear striped pajamas ;- ) And if I'm honest, a time when I didn't need a compresso belt! Perhaps I'll print out the frankfurter entree & put it on the frige so he doesn't get any more wild ideation. Talk about a reason to run for the can opener!

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    1. Somehow I KNEW you'd sleep in a swan and angel bed! Loving your Chef Boyardee kitchen helper. When we were first married I used to sit the ingredients out for tuna casserole (you know can of tuna, can of peas, box of macaroni, can of cream of mushroom) on the counter before work so hubby would know what I was planning for dinner and 9 times out of 10 he decided we should eat out that night!

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  19. Oh, I love that little angel! So freakin' cute!

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