Dear Helen Hartman,
The heat is on – and my clothes are about to come off! More and more I see people wearing less and less, short shorts, teeny tanks and people shopping in their swimsuits… Yes, SWIMSUITS! They were wearing cover-ups, I’ll grant you but they were cover-ups in name only. They covered almost nothing, which coincidently was what these people were wearing! Blame them? I am ready to join them! Love some tips on how to dress cool before I blow my top… and bottom!
Dear Loving to Bare it All One,
Asking Helen how to dress cool is a bit like asking a fashion model how to field dress a deer.
|I could do it! And my hair would stay lustrous and soft the whole time. Mists hair with lanolin from sheep I shot myself in between takes on Slaughter on Tenth Avenue, which just screams soft Hollywood hair for all, doesn't it?|
But faced with prospect of people stripping down to their birthday suits? Let’s face it some of our suits could use a little tidying up… not to mention a good shrinking and maybe something to iron out the wrinkles...
|Saves time, saves work, gives results beyond compare... is that guy talking about Niagara or Viagra? If the starch in your collar lasts more than 6 hours seek help from your laundryman immediately!|
Oh, dear, all this is giving me visions of things better left unseen. While Helen irons the wrinkles out of her cock-eyed and crumpled mind the way she knows best
|More time for FUN, when you fill your iron with RUM! I don't even pretend to be ironing anything, just sit here all day drinking straight from the steam spout!|
Let’s look for a useful and fashionable answer at iconic local Louisville Vintage Clothier, The Nitty Gritty,
|Tell me the truth, you are, at this instant, trying to mapquest how to get here, aren't you? Well, you SHOULD be!|
Here the lovely and retro-fantastic manager Amy can offer a little guidance
Amy tells me much of their inventory comes from people looking to liquidate estates. I'd sure melt to find these goodies!
|I want this dress but I'd have to be dead a month to fit into it... so, Amy, come the Zombie Apocalypse, hold this one back for me, 'kay?|
As for feeling cool, well, Helen contends that when you look good you feel good but I know some of you will still insist that you’d rather be comfortable.
|COMFORT? Zis eez NOT how we do theengs in Paris! One must suffer for one's beauty. The way I feel in this outfit, I must be BREATHTAKING.|
The only pain Helen is putting up with is stomping on the feet of men who try to dictate women's fashions.
So why not do comfort retro style instead? Go all Liz Taylor in a slip ala Maggie the Cat or Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha in her nightie in Bewitched.
|Pink, Pinker, Pinkest!|
Can Can, anyone?
|NO, not the kind that holds a Beer, Beer! You have been around Helen too long, you're starting to think like her... and that can't be good for anyone.|
Try layers of netting to make your summer cotton dress stand out, and away from your body, letting the cool air circulate in those places where your mama would tell you that’s ALL that should be circulating.
|"And then he says to me, "Baby, what Mama don't know won't hurt her!" so the next thing I know I got can-can ruffles around my..."|
Go naked? How would you accessorize? Very Carefully, of course.
|You laugh but for 1957 this was wearing practically nothing. Nudity wasn't even invented until the 60's you know!|
But accessorize we MUST! We are not animals, Loved Ones!
|Speak for yourself, says store 'house'cat Itty Bitty Kitty.|
Though if you must go around in your swimsuit and cover-up, accessories might do the trick to take it from tacky to…
Okay, it would still be tacky but at least people might think you were making an effort… or in the parlance of the American South that you were
bat$#!t crazy just a tad eccentric.
See, you can dress cool even when it’s hot outside! You think Helen is looking at the world through rose colored glasses? Well, she COULD be, because they sell them at The Nitty Gritty!
I can’t think of a COOLER way to be.