Monday, June 4, 2012

Zombettiquette


Dear Helen Hartman,
I came home from work dead tired  and just wanted to rest in peace but I had a dinner party planned. Even though my feet were killing me, I worked my fingers to the bone to make everything nice but the whole thing ground to a grave ending. Many of the guests were late. Others were just lifeless. While others departed early.  I’m not expecting heaven on earth but I’d love to know was there anything I could have done to resurrect the party without causing myself a lot of grief?

UnDear to the UnDead One,
It doesn’t take a lot of brai-ai-ai-ai-nnns to know what the problem is here.

Not enough Valium in your home canned fruits and jams? 

No. Zombies.
If you read the news - okay, if you scan the shout lines on the sites you go to for celeb gossip - you know they are everywhere. It’s only reasonable to assume some of them will be showing up at your home eventually.

Oh great here come Lois and Ned, I heard they've become mindless, droning Zombies - of course with them it's not that much of a change, really.
Being the host or hostess extraordinaire that you are, you will want to be prepared.  Never fear, Helen has the answers to all your Zombie etiquette - or Zombetiquette - needs.

Oh alright, Adele Whitely Fletcher has the answers, from the Amy Vanderbilt Success Program for Women (this one copyright 1963) but Helen has had the presence of mind to adapt those answers to the modern age – let’s take a look at what I am calling a Success for Life-lessness booklet:
Planning the Successful Dinner Party 
Zombie Addition.


Not like those stinkos that you're so famous for throwing!

The promise of the booklet is that having a dinner party requires no magic. And yet it includes THIS illustration:

Clever hors d'oeuvres servers  or  Dinner party Voo Doo done adorably well? 

The booklet and I cannot stress enough that the entire weight of the success of the party rests squarely on the slumped, well-rounded shoulders of the hostess (according to the booklet, the ‘host’ part of the equation is pretty much useless and must actually be directed by the hostess).

"OH, Larry, you're paneling yourself into the wall Again! Where would you be without me?"
 "In here safe from the Zombie Apocalypse - aka dinner with your parents - that's where!" 

The mistakes you made, Loved One, could have been avoided had you read just the first page of this booklet.
It’s all Helen bothered to read. Yet she’ feels confident telling you where you went wrong. Where you went horribly, horribly wrong.

I'm telling you, I actually considered telling the first zombie I saw that this hairdo was actually a big ol Jiffy-Pop jackpot of brains and to dive in - anything to get out of her last party!






Apparently you are supposed to carefully consider things like 
these:
1)        Do not try to kill too many birds with one dinner party.

Sheesh, you blow up ONE Tur-duck-en and they never let you live it down.

2)        Have you added a few good talkers to your list? 

It's pronounced Bee-yatch, bi-atches. You'd know that if you were a good talker  like myself. 

3)        Do the women heavily outnumber the men? 

Hiya, Gordie. Yeah, usually we try to have a strict "more gals than guys for our manage--a-zombies' but  when we instituted the "no fat chicks' policy, it got harder to enforce.

 Then there are pages about proper ways to write an invitation (zombies, don’t need invitations, they just show up), how to greet your guests (if they are zombies, Helen suggests with a shotgun in your hands) and table settings, blah blah blah.

Flipping through pages, flipping through pages, Okay, menu.  If you are entertaining zombies this should be a no brainer. Literally, no brains, people. Helen suggests you serve this (not from the booklet)

Yes, you are reading right. Raw hamburger with anchovies garnished with slices of buttered rye bread, If that doesn't kil the appetite of even the most zombified among you,  nothing will.

Conversation – the Life Line of a Dinner Party.  This section begins with something about acting interested in what people have to say. Yawn.
OOoo here’s something up Helen’s alley – conversational taboos!

Discussions of illness and operations, the author reports, are “most unfortunate. They must be stopped somehow.”

I don't know if it fell off at the hairdresser of I lost it in a feeding frenzy but long story short, that's why I   get twice the wear out of a pair of earrings now.
Sigh. So in other words, the living may have to spend the whole evening not just dodging the gnawing teeth of the undead but also side-stepping their tongue wagging on and on about moldering flesh, skin conditions and what body parts have rotted or been ripped away. BORING.

Then comes the time to say good night. True to the advice that's it's rude to slam the door as soon as your guest leaves, the booklet goes on for 25 more pages.

Pile another pork cop on, Martha, we're going to be here a while.
 No, no, save yourselves. Go on and have that party without me. I'll stay here and keep reading.

All right, I won't be reading. I'll be napping and having my fav recurring dream -  the one where they've invented zero calorie  booze. Mmmmm another Irish Coffee, I believe I will!

In short, you want Helen’s best advice for insuring a successful Zombie dinner party? It's just like any other endeavor - make it your own, be yourself, chose wisely the company you keep and all will be fine. In other words:

Adhering to a bunch of somebody else's rules for what makes the ‘perfect’ party bites – 
so just make sure your guests don’t!


Being a good guest a Wow Us Wednesday at Savvy Southern Style
and It's a Very Cherry World - Redsday

20 comments:

  1. Please pass the Mad Cow and a few crackers, would you?

    Tammy

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  2. Appreciate these tips, must keep them in mind for my next garden luncheon. Skipping the mad cow offering, thank you very much. Indeed, what were they thinking? :)

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    1. Are you expecting zombies at your next luncheon?

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  3. That's where my dinner parties are going wrong, no voodoo hippos or chickens, must do better! x

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    1. Where does one get a voo doo canape serving hippo? Will be on the look out from now on!

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  4. Earl was glad to see that was a hippo and not a pig! Had a phone call from a customer today and when I asked how she was... she said "nothing a Crown and Coke won't cure". Had to laugh and ask her quitting time, I'd join her. Although your calorie free version does sound better:@)

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  5. I like her answer - though I would mean and actual crown and a coke - given those I could rule the world!

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  6. ahhhh ha!! Zombies ARE all the rage...you are so right dear! And. just think, if you are tired and crankie....you could just as easlily be a zombie as well :) Fun fun post!!

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    1. Thanks - you are not the first to connect Helen and Zombies, only then she was DRINKING THEM! Oooh, what is that recipe? I have to look it up now. Thanks even more.

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  7. OMG, Hamburg Tartare! That's an extremely popular dish in Belgium, with an egg cracked open in the top! Obviously, Belgium has a lot of zombies!

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    1. REALLY? Belgium? I Like their waffles so much ;) but this is shocking!

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  8. My God, how you make me laugh!

    I love steak tartare, but hamburger? I guess this is where knowing your butcher saves your life, eh?

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    1. I'd say this is knowing where your frying pan is could save your life - to cook that meat OR to smack a zombie coming after the beef tartare!

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  9. This is absolutely fantastic. I love the sense of humor. You know I love me some vintage ads and artwork (I did a post on them for Rednesday, too!) but yours is way funnier than mine! Thanks for the laugh an the gorgeous vintage artwork. Ill pin this for the next time Im having zombies over. :)

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    1. Thanks - aren't vintage images so fun? Happy Rednesday and I'm off to visit you back, non zombie style, like any good hostess would!

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  10. Love your posts, you crack me up! Thanks so much for the giggles!

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  11. What a fun blog!! Thanks for making me laugh this afternoon! Love the vintage ads. I'm your newest follower!
    Cindy

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  12. You are such a kick! Always a delight to visit you.
    TTFN ~
    Happy Pink weekend ~
    Marydon

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