Friday, July 20, 2012

When In Doubt? Ask Helen. Might Help. Won't Hurt... Much.


Today’s Letter comes via New York Times Bestselling Author 
Who’s newest book 



is on shelves now!

Dear Helen Hartman,
Help!  I think I've fallen in love with an invisible man!  I cook for him, clean up, exchange quips, but at the end of the day, it's like I'm just the hired help!  I might as well be the chicken pot pie I leave in the fridge for him!

Love to know how I can move our relationship out of the kitchen and into the bedroom.

Dear Loved to Heat Up More than the Kitchen One,

Let Helen get this straight… you have an invisible man equal to your quip wit who eats what you make for him without complaining and you want to CHANGE that?

"Sure, canned Ravioli with broccoli stuck on top is elegant, but it's no 'Lima beans in SpaghettiOs' like my Mama used to make." 
You’ve met actual, non-invisible men, right?

Look at me, then look at him. Look at me. Look at him. Then look at me again and tell me with a straight face that you don't get why I drink and wear silly hats."

Okay, Helen adores men in theory and loves Hubby Hartman but she doesn’t have a lot of illusions about the problems of living with one day in and day out. 

Often times you have to allow them to do things that you might well do better yourself and say things to them that you do not really mean... you know what I'm talking about...

"I'm so lucky to have a big strong man like you around to tackle that big ol' loaf of bread for me, darling," Alice said as she thought - I'd have the whole thing sliced and a half a dozen sandwiches made in the time it's taken you to get this far.
But if you are set on taking this relationship to the next level and Helen can't help, let's find someone who can.  Gay Head.  Yes, I said Gay Head. Stop snickering. I didn't make it up - 

  Boy Dates Girl, a book that tells girls why boys aren't dating them and how much those girls should change themselves in order to get boys to date them.    By Gay Head.

 It's a real book, with real advice.



Real BAD advice. Maybe boys don’t go for a girl who poses indifference... 


It's not a pose. I honestly could not care less about this flock of morons.

...or women who chase after them but who wants a boy

Don't even think about answering that. 'Gay Head'.  I mean it. I will smack you with these flowers so viciously you'll be wearing your Red Lilac lipstick on your ear lobe.

Helen thinks any MAN worth going after is a man who appreciates a woman who knows what she wants.
  
Ann wants her service COMPLETE - and anyone who stood between her and getting that was looking for a sharpened spoon to the gut for their trouble.

A man wants a woman who will to do whatever it takes to get what she wants... even... baking.


I don't bake often but when I do I make it count. Everybody - Happy #@$^& Birthday, now eat up and no whining about green teeth.


Best of luck with your invisible man, if it doesn't work out, I can recommend a great book to curl up in bed with - When in Doubt Add Butter, by Beth Harbison!

Of course, Helen is never in doubt. Oddly enough, that hasn't kept her from adding butter to, well, everything. It makes the sheets a bit slippery, but is that always a bad thing? Helen is waiting for Gay Head to write a book about THAT.



52 comments:

  1. I must get that butter book! It sounds like a winner. For the record, canned ravioli does not qualify as a respectable side dish around here. Now something with Spam in it might...

    Happy Pink Weekend! :)

    (Hey, Spam is sorta pink, isn't it? Just sayin'.)

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    1. OMG _ SPAM AND CANNED RAVIOLI - Karen you need your own Food Network show!

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  2. I remember how the song we associated with Bob Hope was "Thanks for the memories". To you, I would say, "Thanks for the laughter."
    xo
    Holly

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    1. Thanks for coming by Holly! I used to love Bob Hope, that is a good memory.

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  3. Oh, thank you for making me laugh today! Poor "Gay Head" - I hope she is as old as that book and doesn't have to deal with the ridicule! Chef Boy-Ar-Dee - what a gourmet!

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    1. Yes, that's date food for sure! Actually according to the book bio she wrote many manuals for teens. I don't dare google the name to see what turns up, of course!

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  4. OMG- I am laughing now! Gotta love a author named Gay Head. Do you suppose the REAL name was something too weird to use? Like Drag Queen? Did you notice on that cake with the green icing that it looks like she was running out of icing on the bottom right hand side of the cake? Great post- xo Diana

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    1. It always floors me to see how shoddy some of the images are in old ads! This was in a McCalls in 1965, not some small time ladies magazine or booklet. I do wonder if that was a pen name? Hmmmmmm.

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  5. awesome! i just got done reading my last "summer read" and summer's not even over yet....i'll be sure to check this out ~ sounds right up my alley ~ lol!! Great vintage images as alwasy dear annie :) enjoy your weekend!!

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    1. Thanks for coming by - I've known Beth for harumph-a-rumph years. Let's just say our kids were little and now they are not. Love letting people know when she had a new book out.

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  6. Complete set? I'll give you "complete set." My parents were both only children, so every time my mother picked out anything...the Community pattern at the top right and Desert Rose china come to mind right off the bat...my grandmothers would buy it too, so they could hand it down to my mom. Thus, we ended up with lots of services for 24. That meant three teapots, three meat forks...weird.

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    1. LOL - consider it a starter kit for the store, right? Great story.

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  7. i love it!

    Come and join my party Color Connection, it is also my PINK entry. I hope you join the fun.

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  8. Is "Gay Head" Paula Deen's pen name???:@)

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  9. Dearest: I love those old Chef Boyardee ads - she's looking at him like he might know what the hell is in that dish. My mother says that at NO TIME was that canned ravioli considered anything but kid lunch food or a side dish slapped into dinner when she was stressed.

    As for the lipstick ad, well it appears that the only one interested in the lipstick and flowers is the guy in the ad. FABULOUS!!

    Thank you, as always, for making me laugh. They elude me these days...

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  10. Crap - two more thoughts - they come slowly now too! That cake - everyone has nicknames except MOTHER, leading me to believe that is Joan Crawford making that cake.

    And secondly, I just scored 60 1967-1970 Woman's Day magazines on ebay. I see a bright blog future ahead.

    xxx

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  11. Excellent point about the cake! Congrats on those Woman's Days - they have some of the best (and by best I mean weird and funny) ads and crafts and recipes around!

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  12. Hi Helen, As always, such a funny and clever post. Visiting your blog always makes me smile. And even a smile is better with butter on it! Happy Pink Saturday. ~Marti

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    1. A smile is better with butter on it - Paula Deen's theme song! HPS!

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  13. Great post and interesting PINK!

    Visiting for PS- hope you can stop by..

    http://www.sweetposh.info/2012/07/pink-plastic-leaves.html

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    1. Will be right over to say hello - I love meeting new bloggers on Pink Saturday.

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  14. I found your wonderful blog on Beverly's Pink Saturday! Such fun, photos & quotes and stories... great job! ~Alicia♥

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  15. Very funny! Thing is I'm old enough to remember ads something like this and they seemed ok then, but they are hysterical now. Excellent!

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    1. Isn't that funny? I wonder if ads now will seem as silly many years from now?

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  16. Thanks for the humor!! Happy Pink Saturday and have a nice weekend.

    My PINK

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  17. Thanks again for the fun read and laugh with great vintage images - it made a long day come to an enjoyable close. Hope you have a Fun Pink Saturday!

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    1. You too Robin - looking forward to visiting all the Pink Saturday posters!

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  18. i'd like to be clear about something. while i don't care for the blouse, i would TOTALLY wear that checked suit with the hat. adorable. i also agree with butter on everything. i'm not for invisible men though, i don't like them sneaking up on me. oh my goodness you kill me every time. i love visiting here. BTW i found a postcard today that made me think of you. soon as i scan it i'll be getting it right to you. xo

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    1. What fun - is the post card a bathing beauty wearing a crown and ruling the world? Because that would TOTALLY remind anyone of me. LOLing about invisible men sneaking up on you - I never thought of that.

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  19. Oh, yes....my mind immediately went there when you mentioned the author's name! How apropos!!! I giggled throughout this post (as usual), and it got me in trouble since I'm at my husband's clinic and am supposed to be very, very quiet. I just couldn't help myself!!! So funny!!!!!!! This really cheered my day. I'll have to make my husband get off his high horse and get in here to read this for himself! Have a great weekend!

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    1. LOL - husbands and high horses is exactly why women read books like Beth's! I have no idea why anyone read Gay Head's book.

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  20. Just beautiful! Visiting from Pink Saturday.

    Pink Slushy Magic, come and see.

    I am your newest follower.

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    1. Coming over to visit and follow you back! Happy Pink Sat!

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  21. Hi, Just as funny as ever. I am so glad some of us didn't take her advise. Mine is well trainied and after 54 years I perish the thought of whipping another into line, butter or not!
    Always enjoy your humor and looking at the old adds. I just finished watching a video of Chubby Checker on American Bandstand. Wanted to join him but my body no longer moves at those points.
    Keep it coming, we are loving it.
    Hugs, Ginger:)

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    1. C'mon, Ginger, let's do the twist! Round and round and round we go...

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  22. PS: Old age makes one spell poorly. Just don't take my advice on which ads to use. Hugs, Ginger

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  23. I want a book by Gay Head, too. I'd read it at the airport and watch people trying to figure out what on earth it was all about! x

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    1. LOL - I can just imagine the looks you'd attract. But who knows what or who else you'd attract!

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  24. OMG! You are Hilarious...I just love coming here...lol...such sage advice you always give...have to get that book!

    Visiting from Pink S...

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    1. Happy Pink Saturday on Sunday! Thanks for coming by.

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  25. See, now that is the problem with cordless phones and cell phones, not cords to wrap our fingers in while looking coy...

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    1. So true. It is hard to look all flirty with an iphone!

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  26. It's so good to be back on blogosphere and to read your posts! I've laughed my way into an excellent day here....thank you!

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    1. I hope your whole week is excellent JOY!

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  27. I'm still laughing over the bread!! Too funny and exactly right!

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    1. Don't you love the way she looks so adoringly at him?

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  28. I must say you are a HOOT! I love it. And butter does make things better! Paula Dean lost a lot of weight recently but she loves her butter. Now men - I have enough help here - invisible or visible! LOL sandie

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    1. LOL - visible and invisible men do cause a lot of trouble, don't they?

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  29. I loved your post. Funny, great photos and a story within a story. Someone commented up above about how it's hard to look flirty on an iPhone, so funny and true.

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