Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Lost Cause?


Well, it’s finally happened, Loved Ones. We all knew it would. It was just a matter of time before Helen solved all the problems in the world.

As I said to when I saw this –I ain’t buying THAT!

Oh, all right. While technically I HAVE all the answers, you are right that many probing questions remain unanswered.

Gloves? Check. Face mask? Check. Sterile Environment? Check. It's either the average day in a housewife's life circa 1956 or the world's classiest prostate exam.
Are you sure probing is something you ought to associate with Helen?

Perhaps I'm not answering those questions that’s because no one is asking those questions. Did you ever think of that?

 Unlike Pearl S Buck, who was gracious and brilliant, Helen's first rule of butting into other people’s business and bossing them around is to blame the advisee, not the advice giver 

and if that doesn't work....

Look, my cat is so fat she made a dent in a full sized air mattress!

distract 'em!

Or maybe… just maybe… some questions were asked and maybe they were filed away in one of several email folders and Helen can’t remember which ones.

No, that can't be it. That would mean Helen was fibbing a little when she claimed she had solved all your problems!

Lydia didn't have any idea what she was going to do with all those rocks she made Hans haul over for 'landscaping' but at least she wasn't lying when she told him she planned to just enjoy the view.

Yes, I’ve lost the last few questions sent to me these past few weeks. Of course I am sure that these were the best, most profound, potentially life changing questions ever asked of me, some potentially involving whether there is life on other planets

The answer is yes, not only is there life, there is a life of the party and just like here on earth, it's gonna take some vodka.

Or maybe someone was asking what to do in case of a SPAM shortage

Mor and Bif? I can't even imagine the OTHER varieties. Luckily the 'label protects your table' - because it may be the only thing standing between your furniture and whatever is in those cans! 

Or for ways to deal with Global Warming

Italian alabasterite? That's what I called my ex-boyfriend, Luigi, in our last fight! I didn't care what color he said his poodle was, no way was I going out without my mink - yes, people who own minks ARE the primary demographic for purchasing Pepi the weather predicting poodle!

But now we may never know what those questions were, or their answers. Global warming can wait, right?

Sure. We have our Pepi the Poodle, our Smirnoff's and Mor than enough Bif, we'll just sit here quietly and wait for the apocalypse. Or course, wearing these Space Age Trim Jeans, it can't come soon enough for us! 

In the meantime remember that you can always ask Helen anything you please.

And to be fair, that means Helen can answer you anything she pleases! 

Ask in the comment section – on my Facebook page or email me. I'll be happy to link to your blog, website and/or social media. And if you asked something in the last 2 weeks and didn't get a response, please let me know. I probably won't lose track of it... again.

Joining Wow Us Wednesday because well, wow!

39 comments:

  1. Hello Helen:
    We always feel that we have absolutely no need to ask you any questions at all since you are a wonderful mind reader and anticipate all our concerns without our even having to put finger to keyboard. We have no idea how you do this, but we are deeply impressed......well, with that and your Spam recipes, we have no need for anything else in life.....well, except, perhaps for the Trim Jeans!!

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    Replies
    1. Back away from the Trim Jeans. I cannot stand the idea of you two in them left to merely gaze out of the window and let the world go by as you slenderize your lives away!

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  2. Weather forecasting poodles, insane-faced dolls and fat cats, I'm in heaven! x

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    Replies
    1. LOL - it's a mad, mad, mad world, ain't it?

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  3. Ma had those pants, I remember her blowing them up with the pump!!! Hers were green. Gotta say the Spam advertisements never cease to um... let's just say, not be appealing. The only thing worse is I know I ate it as a kid:@)

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    1. You ATE it? I thought it was like Play Doh, for making things with! Can't believe someone had those pants.

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  4. Well, let's see, I can't really think of any questions for you. So this must mean that in my book, you've answered all of the to date. If anything comes to mind, I will let you know. :)

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    Replies
    1. Let me know - I'm ready with an answer for everything, Karen!

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  5. My question would be "who in the Sam Hill would buy three of those poodles for $2.79?" Another question..."If you could go back in time and go shopping...where would you shop and what would you buy?" I'm thinking Woolworths for vintage Christmas decorations. =D

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    Replies
    1. That is an excellent question!I agree that Woolworth's could be AMAZING! I remember buying a ceramic cat at one for ten cents when I was pretty little. Wish I still had that cat,so maybe I'd go back and get that again!

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  6. Are you sitting down? REady for a BIG LAUGH? I had a pair of those blow up thigh thinners. They actually caused you to sweat like crazy and temporarily removed the water from your legs and belly and decreased their size temporarily-lol Worked pretty good!!!! Wish I had a picture....No.I.Don't! xo Diana

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    Replies
    1. Oh no! I do wish YOU had a picture... because if I had a picture, I'd probably share it. That wouldn't be nice.

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  7. Now I've confessed before that I was born in Spamtown but as much as that gets razzed, it certainly sounds like caviar lined up next to...BIF!

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    Replies
    1. Truer words were never spoken. I mean BIF? Wasn't he the villain in the Back to the Future series? Eeeuuuwww.

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  8. I want to go to that Trim Jeans party. Unless- Well What DO they have in those cups?

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    Replies
    1. It's got to be booze. How else could they stand to sit there and smile?

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  9. I'll be laughing about the world's classiest prostate exam for days!!!

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    Replies
    1. You know you reach a certain age and that's the kind of thing people want to tell ya about more and more.

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  10. Replies
    1. Too bad they didn't make a lobster version. Larry to Lobster, the color changing crustacean.

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  11. I had alabasterite in my youth. Our family doctor couldn't do anything about it so the psychiatrist recommended that I sew a mink collar onto my raincoat and, ta-da, I was cured! (No, seriously I did have that colour-changing poodle, a gift from my grandmother. It was around the time I also got a mood ring.)

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    Replies
    1. A Poodle and a mood ring, you were ready for anything!

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  12. Love the vintage ads!! so funny. Thanks for visiting me!

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  13. thankyou so much for the lovely comment you left me. I am so glad you did, as now I have found you and I am following because I absolutely love the blog-I was in stitches reading this post. Also some nostalgia crept in because my mum had a Pepi the Poodle!
    Keep up the good work!
    XO Amie
    www.creditcrunchchic.com

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    Replies
    1. LOL - another Pepi! Who knew there were so many lurking out there- well there must have been they were sold 3 for 2.95! Who could resist?

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  14. ha ha ha!! you are always such a hoot!! I think this is so funny....my husband has an uncle Pepi, who is Italian, but doesn't have a poodle and he doesn't turn pink OR blue....what do you make of that oh wise one.....

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  15. I think you don't know what Uncle Pepi does when he's alone contemplating the changing weather patterns. It might surprise you!

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  16. Seriously....Lydia needs to eat something! Bif or Mor or even one of those poodles, 'cause that chick is dangerously s-k-i-n-n-y!!!!

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    Replies
    1. LOL - the year was 1965. Twiggy was the newest rage, right?

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  17. We're all enjoying those Space Age Trim Jeans. Seriously awesome.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I wear mine while watching the Food Network every day!

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  18. Dear Helen...thankyou for finding my blog, I'm now following yours. You are hysterical! Oh man, that racy red lingerie... that was really printed?? Hee hee! I'm a teacher and I HAVE to comment on your part about saying young teachers are trying to cover up their racy tattoos. I WISH!! THEY SHOW THEM! It's so inappropriate, I can't stand it. Where's the professionalism anymore? They should be covered and not seen at all times. When I tell my students I don't have a tattoo (they ask) they don't believe me. I'M the anomaly.

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    1. Oh my - kids who don't believe teachers don't have tattoos? Guess it's the norm now.Thanks for coming by _ I really like your blog too.

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  19. I can't think of anyone else BUT Helen to go to for advice!!
    xo
    Holly

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    Replies
    1. Oh no! You really need to find some new advice givers, Holly. The pressure is too much for me.

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  20. I'm safe for another day...my poodle is blue.

    Bliss

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    Replies
    1. Whew! Wait, what does blue mean? Pregnant or not pregnant? ;)

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  21. Just so you know, I was a bride in 1958, I actually bought some of the trimming jeans thingies. Of course I am off the hook cuz mine were not exactly like those. I always enjoy your vintage images because I lived many of them. That brings us to today, I am feeling a little out of sorts, you know, kinda like someone force fed me Spam.
    Keep it coming sweetie, Hugs,

    ReplyDelete

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