Monday, August 6, 2012

Prepare to Be Scared Silly! Or Just to Be Silly.


Dear Helen Hartman,
We have the tent packed and the sleeping bags at the ready. I’ve written down the recipe for S’Mores (apparently it’s more complicated than “Open the box of graham crackers, realize they are all broken, eat all the chocolate bars yourself and tell the kids we’re just roasting marshmallows!”) I think we still have one good camping trip in us!
Now we just need some scary stories to tell around the campfire. Immediately I thought of you! I know the family would LOVE to hear a Helen story that will make us shiver and shake.

Dear Loved One,
Once again Helen doesn’t know where to begin – with the idea that there is such a thing as a good camping trip

Helen's idea of camping - installing grass green carpet, kicking hubby out to sleep on it and letting baby cherubs pull the curtains shut around her.

or that when you wanted to scare people, you thought of me.

Helen likes to think of herself as the Deviled Ham  of Advice givers. A self-glorifying, tasteless ham who uses her noddle to get invited to your next party!

So where do we begin? Banshees, beasts and blood suckers? Those are for children (in fact, I may have called my children all of those things at some point)

You want to really scare the pants off of someone?

Meet… The Millenniums

I’ve heard about them before, murmurs and mumblings, rumors and rumblings but dismissed it as hearsay, wild imaginings, sour grapes but on our latest camping trip when the grown up scary tales had covered recent surgeries, babies that wouldn’t sleep through the night and the staggering cost of men’s underwear…

Wondercrotch - worst superhero name, EVER!  

A stranger stepped forward to tell the tale that we would not soon forget.

Actually she was no stranger than the rest of us, and some of us probably forgot it as soon as we heard the dinner bell, that’s not my point. Hmm, what was my point? Oh yeah…

We sat transfixed as she told us her terrifyingly true tale of a generation taught (by who knows who, it may be in those energy drinks or messages blinked out by the light of the laptop, because it can’t possibly be their parents) that everything they do is super neato cool.

News Flash, sweet things, the world does not revolve around you -- you're just dizzy. 

Yes, it’s true. They are out there. Shuffling toward the future in flip-flops, belly shirts and pajama pants (or as they like to call it – work clothes!) 

Remember when showing up at school without your clothing was considered a nightmare? Well, it still IS, only it's a nightmare for people who have to see you. Put some clothes on.

They are the students who think there are only two grades in the system … A and A-

In my day: Look long and hard, Skippy. It's the last time you're gonna see one of these on a school paper.  

Young educators who have to be told to cover up their raunchier tattoos and sometimes their tushies.

Oh, 1956 magazines, you are making it pretty hard for me to uphold my righteous indignation about what is wrong to wear in front of kids when this is your idea of wholesome advertising!

Young professionals who don’t understand the consequences of their choices because exposing them to the harsh reality by actually telling them might be too upsetting.

That's right - you give your mom Boutique Rhinestones for her birthday you are probably getting this crap for every gift giving occasion from now on. My word, people, look at what she's done to the telephone! Is it worth the risk? Well, is it?

If the thought of all that doesn’t make your blood run cold then maybe… just maybe… you are one of them!

Isn't THAT just Peachy?

Bwahahahahaha. Okay, it’s scary but not that scary. Kind of like that show Helen is obsessed with – Celebrity Ghost Stories –

At night I hear my fridge door opening by itself then creep down to take a look and find the ghost of Marlon Brando looking for a snack. Just take something and shut the door, already, you're running up my electric bill, pal.
which sadly is NOT about being haunted by the specters of dead movie stars, which would have been sooooo much better

Anyway, every generation thinks the people coming up behind them are going to be the end of life as we know it. Sometimes they are right – but then again, sometimes that’s a good thing.

Did that help you at all? No? All right. I aim to please. Tell me where you’ll be camping and Helen will dress up like a dead movie star and jump out of the bushes just when you start talking about that men’s underwear price deal. 

Lucy, sure we all love her but when she shows up at your campfire as a ghost with a trophy on her head and tries to feed you Vitameatavegimin? 

That will be the last time you go camping… or ask Helen for advice. Win - Win.



Today’s post was inspired by and is dedicated to Elizabeth H. who last I spoke with her was headed for Tijuana (don’t judge… that’s Helen’s job)

joining Favorite Things Thursday!

30 comments:

  1. Well, I snicker-snorted my way through this post as I usually do- Remind me NOT to tell when or WHERE I am camping- xo Diana

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    1. What? I could do a full on Elvis for you...A whole lotta spookin' going on!

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  2. Sometimes when I know ACTUALLY goin somewhere camping would take too much packing and thought, I like to set the tent up in the backyard! *lol* Then I am free to watch my fave t.v. show and use a flushing toilet.... when I get tired I walk outside unzip my tent crawl in my sleeping bag.... and wait till I stop hearing weird sounds so I can fall asleep.

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    1. LOL - I live in the country so the weird sounds never end. What are those animals doing in my yard?

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  3. Too darn funny!! My smore story is after you've eaten them, go out and buy more because they will say that "you promised" and the adults around you will "know" what really happened. But, then again, who goes camping?! It is so true about how they dress these days...moms show up at our school in pajama pants and a flannel shirt. I have to admit that I have "snuck" to Wal Mart late at night (because no one that I know will be there then) in my leopard flannel pajama pants (of course I have on a black top, earrings and lipstick just in case) to get a much needed item for a project I am working on instead of sleeping and it seems as though others have the same idea only they are NOT in their pajamas. What's really embarrassing is if it's one of the students and their mom...sigh!
    Great post...again!

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    1. LOL Holly - I Never would have suspected you of being a People of Walmart person. But I think there is a bumper zone around Walmart plus the time of day... or night... right?

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  4. Hello Helen:
    A superb post which is, as always, fantastically illustrated and with suggestions for so many different and varied topics to discuss around the camp fire!

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    1. I cannot imagine you have these issues. I imagine everyone in your world is impeccably dressed and well mannered!

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  5. Your posts are always so refreshing in a mad world love it ;-)) dee x

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    1. Well, Hello dee! You've been absent a while - thanks for coming by, now I will fly over to see what you've been up to!

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  6. Whahahhehhahahhaha. I was scared. Vintage scared. Thanks for coming to my post. Love..the lol.

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  7. You are such a riot!! Now the green carpet seems like a great way to camp, I am in for that trip! Wondercrotch!? Hmmm.. that is a topic it think I better not ponder too much! You think he would with the football torpedo bra hat woman? What is there special power? See, I said I shouldn't ponder it too much!!!!
    Blessings,
    Susie

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    1. Oh yes - bra hat is a perfect superhero get up! Vintage Woman? Will have to ponder that, which is a better use of my time than, say laundry!

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  8. I'm still laughing about Wondercrotch! And I would never consider you the advice-giving equivalent of deviled ham. People eventually figure out that deviled ham sucks...but you, my dear, just keep getting better and better.

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    1. Thanks - but both my advice and deviled ham are best served with cheap wine, though.

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  9. Great post as usual, and you had me laughing out loud! Love the girdle ad with the little girl. . .I think they were trying to tell us (back then) that constrictive corsets were COOL! All I remember is how uncomfortable my Mother said they were. Ah, yes. The tastes and fashions of one generation do not hold over for long.

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    1. True - I also think they were trying to convey that every little girl should look forward to wearing a constrictive foundation garment!

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  10. Oh this is wonderful, snarketry at it's finest! I love your blog!

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    1. Thank you! So glad you stopped by for a serving of snarky goodness!

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  11. I am cracking up right now! After this one visit...I AM HOOKED!!!! What a delightful way to brighten my day! I love your sense of humor and dry wit! I grew up in a home where my Mother was the "Queen" of sarcasm. Some may think that was bad...but, it always kept up in stitches! Mom was a school teacher and she was given such great material by all of her students.

    Oh...Those deviled ham delicasies! We are having a potluck this friday night and any one of them would be a hit! (Oh, did I mention that we are to bring kosher foods only?)

    Just a little fine dining inspiration....My husband's elderly great aunt Clementine is quite the chef. The entire family knows to "eat first" before going to her house for dinner. Her latest venue included spagetti garnished with hot dogs....(The big red ones that you buy on sale for 89 cents a package)!!!!

    Thanks for stopping in and visiting my blog. I am sad to say that I accidentally deleted my "when Pigs Fly" post yesterday. I think you would have enjoyed it. I don't think I can recreate it, unfortunately.

    Have a great day and thanks for both of your refreshingly funny blogs!
    Blessings,
    Carolynn

    ps...Have you seen my "Patti Playpal" post? I uploaded her "creepy commercial" from youtube. It's right up your alley.

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    1. If it makes you feel better, I don't think there's any real ham in deviled ham. I will have to look up Patti Playpal... just the name sends a shiver down my spine!

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  12. Hilarious from start to finish!!! Boy, I miss paper dolls!

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    1. I KNOW! Have recently been on the hunt for them but not sure what I will DO with them when I find them.

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  13. Last time I went camping, I woke in the middle of the night to racoons tearing things apart. From then on, camping was Holiday Inn.
    I can remember playing paper dolls for hours and hours. Barbie came along way after my dolly days.
    You are rib snapping funny as usual. Hugs, Ginger

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    1. Thanks. I was paperdolls over Barbie all the way. I'm with you on the Holiday Inn... camping always sounds so fun until the middle of the night when your sleeping bag is on a rock or it rains or... racoons!

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  15. Where can we get our hands on that carpet....a whole bed...with cherubs floating about...!!!! Dying laughing when we got to the wondercrotch....toooo funny Annie! The first thing we thought of when you had to tell horror stories, woudl just be looking at all of the food they made then....was it the food, or the terrible photography? It's a toss up....maybe it WAS a toss up, they didn't have photoshop back then :) Have a great weekend!!

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    1. Oh, there could be a whole series of scary stories on those recipes!

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  16. Wow, you really opened up a can of worms there!

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