Dear Helen Hartman,
We have the tent packed and the sleeping bags at the ready. I’ve written down the recipe for S’Mores (apparently it’s more complicated than “Open the box of graham crackers, realize they are all broken, eat all the chocolate bars yourself and tell the kids we’re just roasting marshmallows!”) I think we still have one good camping trip in us!
Now we just need some scary stories to tell around the campfire. Immediately I thought of you! I know the family would LOVE to hear a Helen story that will make us shiver and shake.
Dear Loved One,
Once again Helen doesn’t know where to begin – with the idea that there is such a thing as a good camping trip
|Helen's idea of camping - installing grass green carpet, kicking hubby out to sleep on it and letting baby cherubs pull the curtains shut around her.|
or that when you wanted to scare people, you thought of me.
|Helen likes to think of herself as the Deviled Ham of Advice givers. A self-glorifying, tasteless ham who uses her noddle to get invited to your next party!|
So where do we begin? Banshees, beasts and blood suckers? Those are for children (in fact, I may have called my children all of those things at some point)
You want to really scare the pants off of someone?
Meet… The Millenniums
I’ve heard about them before, murmurs and mumblings, rumors and rumblings but dismissed it as hearsay, wild imaginings, sour grapes but on our latest camping trip when the grown up scary tales had covered recent surgeries, babies that wouldn’t sleep through the night and the staggering cost of men’s underwear…
|Wondercrotch - worst superhero name, EVER!|
A stranger stepped forward to tell the tale that we would not soon forget.
|Actually she was no stranger than the rest of us, and some of us probably forgot it as soon as we heard the dinner bell, that’s not my point. Hmm, what was my point? Oh yeah…|
We sat transfixed as she told us her terrifyingly true tale of a generation taught (by who knows who, it may be in those energy drinks or messages blinked out by the light of the laptop, because it can’t possibly be their parents) that everything they do is super neato cool.
|News Flash, sweet things, the world does not revolve around you -- you're just dizzy.|
Yes, it’s true. They are out there. Shuffling toward the future in flip-flops, belly shirts and pajama pants (or as they like to call it – work clothes!)
|Remember when showing up at school without your clothing was considered a nightmare? Well, it still IS, only it's a nightmare for people who have to see you. Put some clothes on.|
They are the students who think there are only two grades in the system … A and A-
|In my day: Look long and hard, Skippy. It's the last time you're gonna see one of these on a school paper.|
Young educators who have to be told to cover up their raunchier tattoos and sometimes their tushies.
|Oh, 1956 magazines, you are making it pretty hard for me to uphold my righteous indignation about what is wrong to wear in front of kids when this is your idea of wholesome advertising!|
Young professionals who don’t understand the consequences of their choices because exposing them to the harsh reality by actually telling them might be too upsetting.
|That's right - you give your mom Boutique Rhinestones for her birthday you are probably getting this crap for every gift giving occasion from now on. My word, people, look at what she's done to the telephone! Is it worth the risk? Well, is it?|
If the thought of all that doesn’t make your blood run cold then maybe… just maybe… you are one of them!
|Isn't THAT just Peachy?|
Bwahahahahaha. Okay, it’s scary but not that scary. Kind of like that show Helen is obsessed with – Celebrity Ghost Stories –
|At night I hear my fridge door opening by itself then creep down to take a look and find the ghost of Marlon Brando looking for a snack. Just take something and shut the door, already, you're running up my electric bill, pal.|
which sadly is NOT about being haunted by the specters of dead movie stars, which would have been sooooo much better
Anyway, every generation thinks the people coming up behind them are going to be the end of life as we know it. Sometimes they are right – but then again, sometimes that’s a good thing.
Did that help you at all? No? All right. I aim to please. Tell me where you’ll be camping and Helen will dress up like a dead movie star and jump out of the bushes just when you start talking about that men’s underwear price deal.
|Lucy, sure we all love her but when she shows up at your campfire as a ghost with a trophy on her head and tries to feed you Vitameatavegimin?|
That will be the last time you go camping… or ask Helen for advice. Win - Win.
Today’s post was inspired by and is dedicated to Elizabeth H. who last I spoke with her was headed for Tijuana (don’t judge… that’s Helen’s job)
joining Favorite Things Thursday!
joining Favorite Things Thursday!