Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Back Up and Backing it Up!


Dear Helen Hartman,
Here is my question: The other day I was minding my own business as I left the store only to have an older 'gentleman' stand behind my vehicle and lecture me about having handicapped plates since I was obviously 'fat and sassy' and doctors handed out paperwork for said plates like candy. I did inquire if he thought morticians were better suited to make such a decision, whereupon he commented loudly about my supposed parentage and stalked off....thereby making it possible for me to leave the parking lot. Should I have engaged this obviously scripto person in conversation or should I have simply backed over him and kept on going, thereby making my day and subsequent demeanour a bit more pleasant?

Today's question comes from Jacqueline at a wonderful fun and funny blog Cheapskate Bletherings
Dear Loved-to-Talk-to-Strangers (and now knows why her mother told her not to do so)-One,

First let’s get the most important issue here.  Where are these doctors who hand out candy and are they taking new patients?

But if you can't smoke for your health, for goodness sake, Please, Please, consider candy cigarettes. 


Oh, I see I read that wrong. Or did YOU write that wrong?

Don’t feel badly, Helen is always coping with people who say what they want to say instead of what Helen wants to hear.


Now on to the guts of the question. And I do mean guts, like those that you might be cleaning off you bumper had you backed over that poor fellow.

Think about that, young lady. Do you really want that much work?


Helen would never advocate physical harm to another human being

Not when mental anguish is so much harder to prove in a court of law. Just ask Phyllis who hands hubby the wrench when he needs a screwdriver then tells him it's okay, lots of men don't know what to do with their tools.


But it is difficult not to engage with someone so adamant about making their feelings known. Especially when they invoke the phrase 'Fat and Sassy'.

Thems fighting words.
Though I can see why he didn't think you needed handicapped plates when you go out dressed like this!

The key is to find a way to do it that doesn’t risk you ending up on the evening news. 


Local woman claims she is parking lot princess gives jester a royal pain.
Again.

You have to out clever these types of people. Luckily this isn’t difficult. If this ever happens again consider these alternatives:

Lean in extra close to your detractor and whisper:


The plate isn’t for me, it’s for the body in the trunk… wanna see?

Of course you could simply remind the busybody that things are not always what they seem to the naked eye.

What are YOU staring at, Buddy? Ain't you never seen a girl making pancakes in a clown-themed nightclub before?

Also shame Judgey McJudgeypants for going around with his eyes naked in public.

For example this is a 1960’s store giveaway album



NOT Ann Romney’s next endeavor.

But if you must give into your desire to wreak havoc on someone rude enough to challenge you thusly, why not kill them with kindness?



Loop your arm around your guest lecturer’s shoulders, thank him for having the courage to confront you and help you to see the error of your ways, plant a big kiss on him, then as you walk away, suggest he see a non-candy giving doctor asap. Because what you have is very contagious and if not treated immediately it will make your naughty bits drop off.

Joining Open House Thursday at No Minimalist Here

29 comments:

  1. LOL! Yup, we must be related and if we aren't I think I love you anyway! And I would like to link this wondrous answer on my blog if I may. Thank you for the smile, it is most welcome.

    (How did you get that photo of me in my everyday clothes? I swear I paid every bit the note asked for!)

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    1. LOL - link away! Helen has her ways of finding out what people are really up to - you know how Santa knows who is naughty or nice? Helen doesn't bother with the nice people.

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  2. HAHAHAHAHA - thanks for making my morning, Helen and Jacqueline! Kill 'em with kindness - Happy Hump Day...Tanya

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    1. Helen is finding that for some people it takes to long to kill them with kindness. May resort to forcing them to eat my cooking soon.

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  3. The body in the trunk! Hahahahahahahahahahhahha

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  4. People that judgmental and rude deserve, at the very least, a good bump. :)

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    1. Remind me not to stand behind your car! But I like the way you think.

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  5. Kill with kindness if hitting with the car doesn't work. ;)

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    1. I see a future writing T shirts for you! Perfect motto.

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  6. Oh, this is just TOO freakin' funny for words!!!!!!!!! Actually, the last bit of advice is VERY useful, and I think I will employ that liberally as needed! That'll stop 'em in their tracks!

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    1. We'll know you've been in a parking lot when we see busybody's everywhere checking their naughty bits to see if they are still hanging in there!

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    2. Busybodies - I am having a time with 's today. Who can I blame for that?

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  7. Thanks for the laugh once again. I would have said, I'm sorry, would you like me to drop my pants so you can see my wooden leg? :)

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    1. Bwahahahaha - but what if he said 'yes' - Helen can't have another arrest on her record.

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  8. Yes, yes, yes, you need T-Shirts! Besides when you put this much effort into a blog, it should make some dough. (No, don't go there.)

    Killing them with Kindness is one of my best strategies, and have drummed it into the kiddos. I have to read this to Hubby!

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    1. I have thought of Helen T shirts but then not sure what they would say - there are SO many things people need to be told!

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  9. Hello Helen:
    Now exactly what kind of a kiss are you advocating here?

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    1. LOL -I guess that depends on how irritating they have made you! But being of a certain age, Bugs Bunny planting a big on on Elmer Fudd comes to mind!

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  10. Thanks for the laugh...very funny. I appreciate you linking to the Open House Party and I am a new follower.

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    1. Thanks for coming by and for being such a lovely hostess!

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  11. hahahaha! You are a HOOT! And pretty good advice too *winks* Vanna

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  12. Now I know what to do if I ever find myself in this predicament. What would we do without you? :) Hopping over to Minimalist now.

    Happy weekend!

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  13. I kept wondering what I would say as I read this but I don't think I can improve with your very last suggestion. If only I could think of something perfect to say at the very moment it is needed. Why do I lie awake at night and realize what perfect thing I COULD have said...but didn't? Maybe you could answer that some time, Dear Helen!

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  14. You have brought me joy today. Love it, sandie

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  15. I love your last option! I liked the parking lot confrontation scene in Fried Green Tomatoes - maybe you know it...? I know a guy who licked another guy's face in the middle of a serious confrontation. Um, the other guy walked away yelling something about white coats. I hope they were vintage!

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