Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Green Eyed Girl...


Dear Helen Hartman,
I confess, I am the jealous type. And no, it’s not my boyfriend that brings it out in me – it’s other women… that is other women’s lives. It seems like every one of my girlfriends has a better lot in life than me. Their kids are smarter, their husbands more attentive, jobs more fulfilling, finances more… financy!
So, in honor of St Patrick’s Day I’d love for you to share some advice on how to deal with the green eyed monster!

Dear Loved One,
Green eyed monster, huh? So I see you’ve met my trashy neighbor Teresa.

Neighbors like mine make you want to take up a hobby. Backyard archery comes to mind. 

Oh, you mean envy. Helen doesn’t suffer from that particular ill… though she often causes it in others.

Mom, why can't our lives be more like Helen Hartman's? This one chair for the three of us and fake palm tree just isn't cutting it anymore.

Of course, I’m lying. Or as I like to call it, fictionalizing my not so fabulous life for fun and profit. Well, fun at least.

Available on Kindle! No, this is not a cheap ploy for attention. It's a freebie ploy for attention. 

In the great game of life (not to be confused with the GAME of LIFE, which frankly is not all that great)

It sounded so promising - a game where you can be surprised by twins. Well, here's the surprise, there are no actual twins. What's the point of that?

We all have to play with the cards we are dealt.

If you come to Helen's house you can use these to do that. Plastic card holders - or as they promise on the handle KARDHOLDERS! Will the fun ever stop?

Comparing ourselves to others and finding we come up short rarely leads to a happy end. So do as Helen does.

Carry a six pack of beer where ever you go?

Befriend a few schlubs along the way. That way no matter how bad you feel you will always have someone to think about and say – EH, at least my life is not as bad as hers!

Nothing like feeling superior to others to even out life's uphill climbs! At least I think she's feeling superior. Though looking at that maniacal smile, she might actually have run over who ever it was that made her feel bad about herself.  
The best news of all is you won’t have to look far to find the perfect collection of sad sacks and dumb Dora’s. They’re the same people you are looking at and thinking they have it so much better than you.

Sure they look like they're having fun but in two minutes when Norm realizes Chet isn't just flirting with Darlene, he's also burning a hole in his forehead, all heck is gonna break loose.


They say if you and all your friends took all your problems and threw them into a pile in the middle of the room and then each were allowed to pick one problem to go home with, we’d all take our own problems back.

 Orville really misunderstood the whole concept of a 'key party'. 

Don’t be jealous, be grateful. Things could be worse. You could be my neighbor Teresa.

30 comments:

  1. Loved loved the cool pictures, so strange I actually lived all those pictures, now when we look closely, so many things seem so strange that we never questioned why one chair...lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha - I know, it seemed normal but now you think of it... it was an ad for a heating unit, where do you get that from that image?

      Delete
  2. LOL- I think it would be fun to be your neighbor- I think we could get in a lot of trouble together-xo Diana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, esp where I live because there are cows to tip and lots of places to hide!

      Delete
  3. My daughter tells me our neighbours are boring and unfriendly and she's absolutely right!! They are clearly the jealous type as they only have their noisy whipper-snippers, vacuum blowers and lawn mowers to break the monotony. They're not lucky enough to have an Irish-Italian who can throw his voice living in their homes, kids who do amazing chalk drawings on the pavement and a mama who is clearly nuts. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are right to be eaten up with envy - they have so much to aspire to in your neighbor-age.

      Delete
  4. Apartment living is much more entertaining. Last week as I walked my baskets and baskets down the block to the laundromat I passed one unit where a woman was giving birth, and another that was having an upright piano delivered. Two deliveries! I am not envious of either one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT? Someone was having a homebirth between you and the laundry mat? I am NOT envious of that neighbor!

      Delete
  5. HAHAHAHAHAHA - I needed this laugh before hitting the hay tonight (the scorpions are back, and I have been freaked out killing four in my backyard tonight alone!) That aside, my neighbor across the street is the President of the snooty Homeowners Association...none of us will associate with her, so she turns is all in. She's a peach, SHE is! Happy Wednesday, Helen - thanks for the everlasting chuckles from this blog! You ROCK!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scorpions? Those are neighbors I could do without! I think your snoot has some deep dark secret. Maybe she unleashed the scorps?

      Delete
    2. Truth be told, I think she carries them on her back like the female scorpions do...so, THAT's where they eminate from?!...her back and her glowing green eyes! Thanks, Helen - you definitely know some sh%*t about some stuff!

      Delete
  6. Too much fun and I needed the laugh and advice!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was told a long time ago not to judge my insides by other people's outsides...because few people have it as great as they'd like for you to believe. I don't want to go so far as to call them phonies...but, hey, sometimes that's the only term that fits.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There ya go! Great advice. Things like Facebook make it worse, because people can really polish up those outsides before showing them off.

      Delete
  8. Frankly, I would love being your neighbour, it would be a blast! I'm not generally envious of other's lives...after all, I DO have a Great Scot whispering sweet nothings in my ear. "What was that?" I say, and the Great Scot whispers, in that Great Scot accent..."oh nothing".
    Sweet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - I am picturing the great Scot as the King in Brave now, 'whispering' - yes, it would be fun to be neighbors, but then everyone else would be jealous!

      Delete
  9. I wish you were my neighbor! I never see mine, but when I do they wouldn't know humor if it smacked them in the face. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I see mine all the time, I just never get to chat with them anymore. They may be avoiding me.

      Delete
  10. Loved your story and illustrations of neighbors. I would not dare share what some of mine do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - people will get up to the darndest things, huh?

      Delete
  11. So true! I am sure that my problems are the best problems for me to have... And I know that I am, indeed, truly blessed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There you go - you are blessed and a blessing to others!

      Delete
  12. Thank goodness I have brown eyes ~ I don't struggle with jealousy, only bull;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL - don't struggle with bull, embrace it!

      Delete
  13. I think I'm the friend everyone chooses so they will feel better about themselves!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. because you are proof of their fabulous taste in friends!

      Delete
  14. I am JEALOUS of your plastic card holders!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Your pictures!!!! Do we ever luv 'em! I think that woman has already hit someone and is driving to get away...at least that's the expression she's wearing :) Wishing you a fantastic weekend!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know for a fact that things could be worse....I remember when they were! heehee! I don't know how I missed some of your posts but I've been sitting here laughing and then reading them out loud to hubby. We're just having a fun time tonight...thanks to you! Enjoy your weekend!

    ReplyDelete

Loved To Have Their Own Say In Things Ones say:

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...