Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Here Bums The Bride

Dear Helen Hartman,
Love is in the air. I hate it. Can you tell its wedding season? I wish it was Bride season. There are a couple I’d like to hunt down, trap and set free into the wild, just to give those of us not getting married a little break from the nonstop wedding stuff. When did someone else’s wedding become everyone’s problem and how do I make it stop?

Dear Would Have Loved to say ‘I don’t’ One,

Make it stop? B-b-b-but love makes the world go ‘round! 

I love love love, Love, don't you?   

No wonder there are so many dizzy people!

Helen doesn’t understand wedding madness. Just heard the average wedding in the US runs $27,000. Yes, that’s the right amount of zeroes!

I didn't pay that for my CAR and I still HAVE MY CAR. My wedding stuff? Um, I have one invitation, my dress and Hubby Hartman - the total worth of which is maybe a couple hundred bucks

I’ve always been of the ‘it’s not the wedding that you need to focus on, it’s the marriage’ school of thought.

June 1957 vs. November 1957 - proof that good lovin' don't last, good eatin' does? In the first cover she's about to feed her groom a bite of cake, in cover two she's going to take one look at her hubby's expression and shove the whole cake in his face.

 In fact, Hubby and I planned to elope until the intercession of my future bridesmaids in the wee hours of the morning at a local greasy spoon called The Wagon Wheel.

The specialty at the Wagon Wheel was gravy fries. Lucky for you I couldn't find a  picture of that!

Look, can we be grown-ups here?

Helen never said she was going to be a LADY, just a grown up.  Also X appeal?  What? It's a bra that makes people want to do algebra? 

Wedding or weeding, there are some people who turn everything into some big drama.

I'm not saying Lois was a drama queen but she had told so many family members "you're dead to me" that she started wearing a black hat and veil to reunions.
Avoid those people.

But they draw you in, like a spider putting up a wedding veil shop to lure in love bugs.

If you can’t or chose not to avoid them, develop coping skills.  For example, take a page from that 1957 Journal and give the brides who are weighing down your days the PERFECT gift:

So she'll always be sure of her weight and figure - and not to trust you with important tasks ever again.  

Remember the honeymoon won't last forever and you don't want to spoil a friendship and thereby miss out on hearing the story of the day she shoved her hubby's face in the cake as soon as it happens!


  1. Oh wow! I wish I had collected magazines back in my "everybody is getting married" days. One scale as a gift, and I wouldn't have been invited to all the other weddings. Oh young people, take that advice!!!

    1. Have you priced scales lately? You might suddenly get lots of invites!

  2. Thank you! And yes, these mags are fabulous! Rick's son is getting married a year from now -- they've been engaged for a year already. Molly and her mom have had their dresses now for months. Good grief. I could be 40 pounds either way by then. And sure as anything I'd buy something I didn't realize was trendy only to have it be all out of style by then...

    Scales. Very interesting!

    1. Oh, no, that's way too long. My wedding plans took a month and I still lost so much weight I had to be sewn into my dress. It was weight loss from stress, btw, and I got over it.

  3. BWA-HA-HA. Helen, you are the best! You make me laugh so much - thank you thank you. Surely with the cost of inflation, your dress, the invite, and hubby would be worth more than $100. One of my favourite guilty pleasures is watching Say Yes to the Dress and there was a show called Bridezillas. Lovely! I was born without the bridal dress and ceremony gene. I think there's a name for that disorder, like Normal? Eew. Sounds serious!!

    1. You? Normal? There is no scale made nor any algebraic problem solved that will come up with that conclusion!

  4. Five years ago, my daughter was brainstorming ideas for her wedding. When a destination wedding to Costa Rica was mentioned, I told her it was up to her...but I wouldn't be contributing or going, because IMO it was pretentious, extravagant and an unnecessary burden on everyone. They opted for a trip to the courthouse followed by a truly memorable and much more affordable party a month or so later (catered buffet/open bar/DJ at one of the most beautiful venues in town) to celebrate their marriage with friends and family, and we all had the time of our lives. Many people have told us it was more fun than any wedding celebration they've ever attended. Best of all, she bought herself a great "little black dress" that was much more practical than a wedding dress. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to point out that "It's not all about you" and "Nobody likes a Bridezilla." :)

    1. So true! Love that you spoke your mind and your daughter was clever enough to listen! When I saw that price it blew my mind.

  5. Oh Helen, how right you are! I am listening as I type about weddings on TV....my, my, my. My daughter got married 2 years ago and what a gift we got...her husband's cousin was married to a wedding planner and their gift was to do the wedding for them and it was stunning! Wow! black and white damask with red accents. Oh wait a minute! I am getting carried away like it was MY wedding. Can I just say how glad I was after it was done! Whew! Back to reality. hugs to you!

  6. lol...lol!! That scale ad is the bees knees Annie :) we are dying over here....we've got some wedding drama over this way ~ one big ol' wedding to create florals for...quite the circus! A wedding scale 'eh? WE LOVE THAT AD!!! so very funny ~ this coming week we'll think of it as we are ready to pull our hair out :)

  7. So many of us have a love-hate relationship with weddings, but every (nice) bride is entitled to her day, I'm thinking. Actually attended a nice one last weekend at the park. And there's my quota for the summer. :)


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